WHEN HARRY MET MARY
ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XVIII)

Platonic relationships.

Remember the scene in the movie when Harry tells Sally there is no such thing, that the guy is always hoping, and just playing along. How many of us have been there? It is always a shock when the gauntlet is thrown down. Or sneaked in through the side door. I think Harry was right that it is genetically impossible for a man to accept the realities of a platonic friendship. It is an oxymoron in their view. Yet on the other hand, it is quite possible for a woman to be very happy and content in just this scenario.

I know I was. I have had many such relationships in my spinsterhood...I mean madienhood. I received my training as a Little Sister. My longest relationship has been with JBS. I met him while living with Cathy, he was a friend of her fiance. JBS lived in Florida and would come up for Derby. I don't think I have ever met anyone I laugh with more than him. When Bridget was four years old we decided to go on a road trip to Somerset Kentucky. We got lost. We were sitting on the side of the road, in the middle of the night, he looks at me and says, "Another fine mess you have gotten us into." I just cracked up!

Then there is Gregg. He was a childhood friend that I ran into upon returning home in the 1990's. We had numerous adventures over the years including the 1996 UK NCAA Championship happening in downtown Lexington, the 1997 UK NCAA runner-up incident in downtown Lexington, the Frankfort stories, the Kessler stories, the star gazing on the side of US 60 late one night, the Ty stories...it goes on forever. He has helped me move several times, he has held my hand several times, and he has let me cry on his shoulder many times.

The list is rather long and I think I might be embarrassed to actually list the ones that have been a part of my life throughout the years.

The truth of things is this, I have met some very wonderful guys in my life. Why I chose to fall for the moody, angry, dangerous types is the cross I had to carry for a long time.

One night I was entertaining two of my childhood pals, Gregg and Reginald. By entertaining I really mean they just dropped in and hung around watching tv because they had no where else better to be!

Reginald looks at me and says, "If Gregg won't marry you, I will!"

"These are my choices?" I asked in horror!

Gregg was offended and stomped off. "The offer stands" Reginald assured me.

Ain't love grand!

I got the blues for you

I shelled out the $39 dollars yesterday to receive a gold membership for classmates.com. Why? So I could email Cathy and tell her how much I missed and loved her. That rat! She read my email and has not written back. Maybe I need to give her more time to think about it.

20 years is a long time to be mad at someone. Ican't do it. But I do remember that she had not spoken to her sister in years and years for marrying a Catholic! lol! So why should I expect better treatment.

Alas, dear Cathy, I do miss you...the good times I remember. The bad I have honestly forgotten.

I immersed myself into attending night classes at the University of Louisville. I was accounting clerk by day, student by night, and mother by the seat of my pants. Every business degree required that you complete a calculus class! My first attempt at the subject resulted with me dropping the class and enrolling for a rudimentary algebra class during the summer break.

I was very prepared to tackle the calculus class that fall. As a matter of fact I had surprised myself by having a knack for algebra. Who would have ever believed it? Certainly not my high school algebra teacher nor my tutor! I was a miserable student then, but somehow I had blossomed into a deductive reasoning fool.

When I entered the classroom for my second try at calculus, I was amazed to find the most attractive very young man was teaching the class. In other words, he was a babe!

He passed out a test to gage our algebraic abilities. I handed mine in first, 100% It was on....every test he gave, it seemed he composed it for me, to see if he could find a problem that I could not solve. It was a great class for me. A terrific challenge.

The evening of the final exam finally arrived. I took my time completing the test, going over every question, competing both the extra credits. I was bidding my time until everyone else had handed in their papers then I made my move.

We walked outside together as I told him how much I enjoyed his class, and what a great teacher he was, so inspirational. He asked me if I would like to go to The Cardinal Inn for a beer. Would I?!!!!

I am not sure how long we sat and talked. I do remember we talked about my amazing mathematical gift! And what a joy I was to have as a student. Afterwards, he walked me to my car and as I turned to say goodnight he grabbed me and laid on me the most wonderful and memorable kiss that there ever was! He said, "I've wanted to do that for a long time." and then, "I'll call you."

I waited and waited and waited. I finally gave up hope. He never did. Call me. I thought my magical mathematical powers were irresistible! I was crushed.

The next semester I saw him driving on campus. Along side him in the front seat was a woman. Our eyes met. His eyes said it all. I nodded and he smiled.

And that is all I have to say about calculus.

CALCULUS AND THE LAW OF REALITY ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XVII)

I felt very lucky to land a job working in a corporate office. The CFO happened to be my brothers SIL...but you take what you are given and make the best out of it. The office consisted of five women in the beginning. As the company grew, so did the office. We moved several times and finally landed in the large house on Shelbyville Rd which we immediately began to renovate. I remember those days like it was yesterday, when in reality it was 20 years ago.

The ten years I spent working as an accounting clerk made me realize one very important thing, I did not want to push a pencil for another moment. The best thing I received form working at the office was the intense encouragement to remain in school and get that degree. They made it very easy to leave early etc. etc. etc.

I went into the business school after cleaning up my transcript! (imagine that!) I loved school, which was a revelation for me. I suppose as one matures those things that were once a minor irritant suddenly become a great source of pleasure and self accomplishments take on whole new meanings.

I loved to learn. And I was good at it. I found that sacrificing weekends to study for exams was easy. What else did I have to do? Bridget and I settled into a small apartment in Hikes Point, closer to work and I enrolled her into a Catholic elementary school that was in the neighborhood.

CATHY AND BRIDGET circa 1982

LOOKING FOR LOVE IN ALL THE WRONG PLACES
ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XVI)


I was so homesick living in Texas. I met some very nice people, had an interesting job in the hotel business, had been to Gilley's several times (!)(Had the obligatory bumper sticker for years), met a handsome Latino named Stephan, yet I longed for home. Why is it that Kentuckians and Texans always call their place of birth "home"?

And so I went home. I landed in Louisville because of a job opportunity. I was able to stay with my brother and his wife for several months till I was able to get my feet underneath myself. My dear friend I had met at Murray, Cathy, also lived in Louisville and graciously offered to share an apartment with me and my one year old daughter. We found a place in the Highland Area of town, right off Bardstown Rd. in one of the classic old 1920 homes that are subdivided into apartments. We had the whole second story. A balcony on the front of the house and a wooden porch on the back. Five caveronerous rooms with a tiny kitchen and a small room for a nursery off of my bedroom. All hardwood floors and build in bookcase. One is hard pressed to find anything other than hardwood floors in the Highlands. All in all, we lived in three different yet similar apartments around bardstown Road in the years we roomed together.

Not to self....Never share an apartment with a best friend, it can strain the friendship.

Bridget was growing and was a handful at times. I was working full time, taking evening classes at the University of Louisville and trying to be a good mother to Bridget.

The trouble began innocently enough. Cathy is a very attractive woman, and very smart. She is witty, articulate, sarcastic, caustic and so much fun to be around. Men are drawn to her. Yet, Cathy has a dark side too. I can see her now, bored, chewing her finger nails and holding court with her many men. They came in droves.

When she was finished with them for some ungodly reason, they would turn their sights on me. Not everyone, but enough of them where Cathy became annoyed. We had a big blow up about it and I pleaded innocent! How in the world can I be held responsible for them! It was kind of funny, they would call Cathy and ask if they were allowed to ask me out. She would say, "Do what you want" and then not talk to me.

Actually I was not an innocent. I had very few opportunities to meet people outside of the classroom. My work was in an office with all women! Very difficult to meet anyone. I liked Mark, and we went out for several months. Then I liked Tom, we went out for several months. Then Dennis. He called right after Cathy yelled at me, and all I could do was laugh, because this one I really liked!

Cathy threw her arms up in the air and gave up! Dennis was not a potential boyfriend for Cathy, but an old pal who had been on the road playing drums for a band for years. He had just quit the bad and returned home (home as in Kentucky) for good. Does it get any better than this, a musician with beautiful long curly brown hair. A German Catholic from a big family!

But, he found Jesus and cut all his hair off! Is this the effect I have on men now? I was stunned and the romance fell apart. Then Cathy and I fell apart. She was able to purchase a home and was moving. I was about to be put out on the street. To tell the truth, I had some very hard feelings about it and left angry. In a way, so was she.

Again, someone left my life who had been a huge part of it for OVER 14 YEARS! She was there all freshman year in Murray, dancing up a storm Down South. She was there for all the John years, and there to help me put my life back together. She was there for everything for so many years and then she vanishes.

I have tried to find her. I want to find her especially now that I am immersed in this history, because it is also her history in so many ways.

In December Bridget and I went to the building she use to work in. That office was no longer housed there, but we were given directions to the new location. Once there, Bridget took over and told the security lady all about Cathy and how we were looking for her.....but to no avail. No one we asked had any knowledge or memory of this woman.

Her parents no longer line in the South End of Louisville. Her ex-fiance has had no contact with her either over the past decade.

I am so ashamed looking back that I wanted a boyfriend that could possible turn into a husband that I disregarded the best and closest friend I ever had. You can not replace people. As I have grown older I hope I have learned to be gentler with those I love.

Not Drinking can be Hazardous to your Health

I have given up alcohol for Lent. This is really going to be a big sacrifice. I love coconut rum, and since several of the brands are offering rebates, I have discovered the wide wide world of flavored runs. Stopping the madness is not going to be fun. Yet, as a sacrifice for Lent, I can do it.

Last night Poo-Poo and I go out on the town in Newport. Well, we go out in a tiny spot of the town in Newport. Big Joe Duskin, a mainstay on the Cincinnati Blues circuit, was playing at the Big Blue Fish in the Levee. It was a celebration for his 84th Birthday.

Sounded like a good time, so I drove up yesterday evening for the event. The bar was packed yet we managed to find a spare chair in the back behind the room divider of tropical plants. I was able to see the stage by kneeling on the chair. To say he was terrific would be an understatement. We stayed for one set and then decided to go across the street to Southgate House to see it Straw Boss was playing.

To get across the street, one must cross about six lanes of traffic. One of the oncoming lanes leads to the ramp to cross one of the many bridges over the Ohio...the Mac Bridget I think. We look up to the traffic light, which is about 20 yards away. The light is red and the cars are all revering their engines waiting for the green.

"We can make it to the middle." Poo-Poo says to me as he begins to dart across the street.

I look at the traffic to gage whether I should risk it when I absentmindedly walk off the curb not realizing it. Down I go right on my knees! My reflexes are swift and I was able to get my hand out in front of my as I slammed face first into the concrete.

I was only aware that I was on the ground in front of a qucikly approaching wall of impatient lights! Poo-Poo helps me up..."Walk it off! Walk it off!" he instructs me as if I am a football player.

I am really stunned and in semi-shock. I could only think I WAS ABSOLUTELY SOBER! It is too dangerous for me, being Irish! I need alcohol in my system or the earth is rotating off its axis!

I'm certain everyone in traffic who witnessed the spectacle thought I was drunk. A drunk falling in the street. How crazy is that!

Poo-Poo and I have laughed and laughed about it since. My right wrist is slightly sprained ....jeez.

ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XV)

My car was on the blink so I took a bus downtown to the Planned Parenthood building. I knew I was pregnant, actually I feared I was pregnant. I was uninsured and marrying Mike was quite out of the question....I probably would have under the circumstances, but he was not the marrying kind.

It was positive. I was stunned. I had feared the worst and now it was confirmed. I climbed on the bus in a fog and stumbled into a seat. I did not know what to do. Then the cloud lifted and I was suddenly so thrilled, so happy, so exhilarated and full of joy! I turned to the elderly lady sitting beside me, "I just found out I am going to have a baby!"...."Well, imagine that! That's wonderful!"

Mike did not have the same reaction. He was adamant that I have an abortion. He listed his reasons. Some valid, some selfish, some mean.

I scheduled one. And then waited for the day to arrive in a funk.

The night before it was to take place, I was watching mindless TV. Little House on the prairie. The older sister had married and somehow lost her eyesight. Somehow her cabin caught on fire. Because of her blindness she could not find her baby. She was dragged out of the burning structure and was screaming, "MY BABY MY BABY MY BABY"........I was so torn up that even today I am crying writing this.

God talks to us in whispers and sometimes he bangs us on the back of the head. I cancelled the appointment and found the courage to tell my parents naturally thinking it would kill them.

I told Dad first because Mom was at one of her many meeting that evening. He took it in stride. When Mom came home he told her, "Mary's going to have a baby." and mom looked at me and said, "I knew it was a matter of time." and that was that!

No death, no crying, no accusations, no guilt. Just loving acceptance.

It was the toughest decision I thought I was going to have to make. But I was wrong. I went to Houston to live with an Aunt and Uncle for the duration of the presence and God sent Fr. Steffes to guide me along this chosen path. Fr. Steffes was a priest from my grammar school in KY. What he was going 1200 miles in Houston for me? Just a miracle. He helped me decide whether to give Bridget up for Adoption or the Alternative, which was to straighten out my life and accept responsibility of which I had no idea.

That was the hardest decision. And I know I made the selfish choice. I have never loved anyone as fiercely and unconditionally and with such careless abandon as I love my daughter Bridget.

Even though I thought I was going to die giving birth to her.

I am so busy writing the ADDICTED TO LOVE series that I am totally ignoring The Wonderful World Of Mary. Lost in the past. Not really a good place to be, but enlighening. I am realizing things that perhaps I was just too involved to see clearly before. Like John had a depression problem. I guess that is easy for me to say, throw out there 30 years later. It could have a lot of validity to it.

Another thing is this. I love Joe. John is gone.

And so, a very long chapter of my life is over, finally.

I have been having a hard time writing about it. I have stripped it down to its bear bones and then let my heart tell the story. This is why I began to blog. It took over a year to get to the point where I was prepared enough, had enough practice to begin.

Gary of GVP's Way sent me an email yesterday telling me how much he loves my Addicted to Love series. That if I polish it up and submit it to some publishers he is certain that I will find a taker. Can you believe it? Someone to pay me to write! It is too good to be true. I know what I would do, I'd freeze. I'd get writers block.

But it is so sweet.

Thursday night I will go to Newport and Joe and I will go see Big Joe Durbin at the Fish Bone at the Levee. Should be great fun. I have to work the next day, so ....it really should not matter anyway, I am giving up liquor of Lent!

HA! We shall see. I'm drinking all the liquor in the house so I will not be tempted. I have abandoned the diet and have convinced myself I will begin running. HA.

I returned home.

I was inconsolable, withdrawn, and cried all the time.....in the shower, brushing my teeth , driving the car, peeling an apple. I could not sleep, the pain was so over powering it denied me escape into dream land. No one ever suffered as severely as I. It transcended the heart, and made my whole being ache.

It could not continue forever. It would have killed me. I could very easily have died of a broken heart. Eventually I came out of it....a little. Enough to continue with life, even though I felt the excitement, the pleasure and sweetness of living was gone forever.

One of my childhood friends had moved home also. She and her husband were divorcing (it was a shot gun wedding) and returning with a one year old child. We rented an apartment in Lexington and tried to figure out how to support ourselves.

And we decided to become cocktail waitresses! (That is another entire "series" in itself) and life began to gain some of the luster and shine that it had lost for many months.

Then we began to go the Disco Bars. Greenstreets, the Library ,and Stingle's were our main spots to shake our groove things. But the most fun, the biggest disco palace with its pink marble and brass bar, the mirrored wall, the minimal seating (all dancing) and the rolling fog....was Johnny Angels! Then the after hour club, The Circus! Desperate dancing, rolling smoke from the cigarettes, and BYOB, We danced and danced and danced. Maybe I danced my heart back to health..


Though my heart was on the mend, I had not yet reached the understanding that I needed to forgive myself. No, the good Catholic girl had not been granted the redemption she sought, so the punishment must continue.

Bring me a man who was nice, clean cut, responsible, gainfully employed, fairly level headed and I scoffed! Not "bad" enough for me. I needed danger! I needed risky, hot, formidable, deadly.

And I found him! Oh boy did I find him!

Out of all the wonderful, delightful men that I could have formed some shot at .of a normal future with...I choose the most menacing of them all. As life seems to always have a twisted sense of humor he is the only one I still see and talk to often.

Bridget's Dad

ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XIV)

How to describe a broken heart? I was certain no one ever had one broken as badly as mine. I was inconsolable, withdrawn, and cried all the time...In the shower, brushing my teeth , driving the car, peeling an apple. I could not sleep, the pain was so over powering it denied me the escape into dream land. No one ever suffered as I did. It transcended the heart, and made my whole being ache.

It could not continue forever. It would have killed me. I could have very easily died of a broken heart. Eventually I came out of it....A little.

Little enough to continue with life, even though I knew the excitement and sweetness of life was gone forever.

One of my childhood friends had moved back home also. She was divorcing her husband (it was a shot gun wedding) and returning home with a one year old. We rented an apartment in Lexington and tried to figure out how to support ourselves.

And we decided to become cocktail waitresses! (That is another entire "series" in itself)and life began to gain some of the luster and shine that it had lost for many months.

Then we began to hit the Disco Bars on our days off.

My heart was on the mend and I was dancing...dancing...dancing!

There were many very nice men that I met. Really, I know that sounds odd, hanging out and working in bars,but it is the truth. I dated a very nice muscian, Jim, who had played electric bass in a jazz band at night, did art framing by day. He was too nice for me.

Because even though my heart was on the mend, I had not yet the understanding that I had to forgive myself for my screwing up. No, the good Catholic girl had not been granted the redemption she sought, so the punishment must continue.

Bring me a man who was responsible, had gainful employment, fairly level headed and I scoffed! Not "bad" enough for me. I needed danger!

And I found him! Oh boy did I find him!

Out of all the wonderful, delightful men I could have had some chance of a future with...I choose the most surly of them all. And ironic as life always tends to be, he is the only one I still have lots and lots of communication with.

Bridget's Dad.

The First Love Stays With You Forever

I have had a ghost visiting me all week. He has been with me everyday, every minute holding out a key for me to accept. It opens a huge wooden door that will allow me to enter into this beautiful garden. A perfumed garden of memories. Along side the fragrant flowers lies the truth.

I hesitated all week. I was comfortable living with my reality of the events, of my reality of how things were. I'm not sure if I was ready to let go of the sugar coated, butterfly and popsicle fantasies that I held close to my heart for thirty years.

I had a pile of letters he had written to me for over the years we were together and circumstances dictated we be apart. I could not touch them until yesterday, and they were as revealing as I feared, as I knew they would be. I could only read two of the many.

I was an immature young girl ill prepared and unaware of what I was into, what I had. I had everything I ever wanted, everything I ever dreamed about, wished for. And I blew it.

I was self-centered, arrorgant, and inconsiderate. Not all the time...but my insecurities over rode everything. Today, a damn bulb goes off over my head I thought...."Oh....Hell". Oh boy. God forgive me. John forgive me. Though I am certain he did a long time ago. When I met him, he had just emerged from a self inflicted "dropping out". How could I not realize....(I was really just a dummy)...about depression?

We were together for over two years. We were very, very close. And I did something very stupid. Then, being the good Catholic School Girl, I had to confess to him.

And that was that.

I was in a Service Merchandise in Louisville one afternoon seven years after the break-up. And there he was. I had not seen him in that period of time. I remember exactly what I was wearing, a beautiful white wool dress from Neimon Marcus in Houston. I had long hair (again) but my room mate had just given me a perm (this was the big hair ear of the '80's now) and it looked pretty good, except for the right side, it was kind of frizzy. I saw him. He was on the other side of the store, but I knew instantly it was him. I was in line and I turned to the woman behind me, "How does my hair look?" I asked, she looked kind of startled but then told me to tuck the right side behind my ear. I left the line, my heart pounding so loud that I heard it in my ears.

I just stood next to him. He turned. It was suspended in time, just looking at each other. The we hugged.

We went out into the parking lot and talked. I told him all about Bridget......that is all I remember, she was four years old.

"I love you" I said as we parted.

"I love you" he said.

When the phone book came out the next year, his number was gone.

ADDICTED TO LOVE part XIV

It was a wonderful time, it was a tumultuous time. It was a season of change for me. We shared a farm house with John's best friend, Tuck way way way out in the country side. Eventually we found a samll apartment in town and left. Days later Tuck was busted for growing ....well, let's say an unconventional garden!

We talked about getting married...eloping, but I was an ardent feminist at the time and thought marriage was unnecessary and actully a form of indenturment! I consented to getting married when we were ready to have children!

Memories from so long ago have a surreal quality that surrounds them. They are distorted and adjusted to conform with our fragile psyches. And our fantasies become reality as the years glide along.

I burned all my journals from that time. From before that time, and after. Only my sophomore year "Bible" survived. So, my recollections are the highlights, and the highlows. I never throw anything away (I just burn stuff) and I managed to find all his letters to me, including the letter he sent that made my friend cry. I am unable to read them. I just have them in a pile on the bed, they are emitting a very heavy aoura, but I just can not, not right now. Beginning this series, I just jumped in and now I find myself in a very deep retrospection mode.

Anyway..............I found an account that I had written many years later, actually a tally of events and I share some of the (*ahem*) safer ones with you.

John walking through the door at 1201 Main St, unexpected and looking for a
place to spend the night. He had hitched hiked from Arizonia and had slept
under a bridge in TN until he was finally picked up.

Driving to his friends wedding in Oleans, NY. After the wedding, him asking
me to marry him.

The first time he asked me to marry him we were sitting in front of Tuck's
farm house in the middle of the night, just sitting in the VW and he asked me
to elope...right them, right now! (I should have!)

Going to a fire tower at the Land Between the Lakes and laying on the ground
in the black night and gazing at the stars.

ADDICTED TO LOVE (PART XIII)

It was a wonderful time, it was a tumultuous time. We lived on a farm with John's friend Tucker for a short time before finding out own small place. We left just in time, as Tucker got in trouble with the law for growing a ...well let us say, an unconventional type of garden. I worked again at the Ken Lake Lodge for the summer months. Nothing had changed, every thing had changed.

We talked about getting married, but I was going through a feminist stage and though marriage was equal to a slow death. I sugested that we should marry when we were ready to have children.

Oh it was wonderful. The best part about it all was the security I felt knowing he loved me and I loved him. In time I pushed that feeling into something known as "taking for granted". I was so young, and actually so immature emotionaly.

John was a part owner in a bar in Paducah called the Great Western Music Company. We moved to Paducah, once again to a farm way out in the country. There are many stories I can tell about city girl on the farm, but I won't. Suffice it to say, it strained our relationship at times. Everything from the lost beloved dog to being snowed in for a week. The furnace going out and heating with a pot bellied stove. My goodness, that monster was called a "Warm Morning". An ironic name, I do not recall ever having a warm morning with that hunk of cast iron.

I became so close to him. He would say it was if we had been together in a previous life. He was my best friend, my confidant, my sharer of dreams, my mentor, my equal, my teacher. We were together for close to

ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XII)

24 hours later I was on I-40 heading west with John, and two other guys. The adventure of my life in more ways than one.

Destination: Tucson! I had never been further west than Memphis! When I use my minds eye and remember that journey, it is the huge, endless blue sky I see. The long trip made in a Volkswagen Beetle, the color that was not really red and not really orange. I did not know how to drive a standard shift, so I was exempt from any driving duties. I was able to just watch the country side change and become so different from anything I was familiar with, I may as well been on the moon.

As most things in life, it happened when I least expected it. I feel in love with John on that trip. I remember the moment. We were doing the tourist thing, riding horses on a desert path. While I was watching him handle his horse with such ease and authority something inside of me shifted. He looked so beautiful, so handsome. I just fell. I fell in love with someone I had known for a year!

It was incredible. The emotion was not a crush, not an infatuation. The sensation had nothing to do with longing, nor looking for someone to complete me. It was a sweeping tenderness and a free fall. As if I had taken a step off the cliffs of safety and into the glorious unknown. It was as wonderful as I dreamed it would be. When I looked at him, my heart beat faster. I was stunned, caught completely off guard, and deliriously happy.

After several weeks in Tucson, we came home to Murray and moved in together.

The Time I ran away from home

I returned to school in the fall. I did not return to dorm life, but rented a room on 206 Main street, affectionately known as "the ghetto". There were five rooms, and I occupied the front Florida room. The house was very old, very large, it may have been the garden room at one time. My buddy, K.K., another little sister from the frat, was to board there also......she bailed out on me. I never told my mother that I was the only girl living with four guys! And I very definitely did not tell her one of them was the Bootlegger! (He did not carry out his business from this location....Thank God).

It was a good school year for me. I did relatively well in all my subjects and had a very active social life living with the Bolio's. (the name I affectionately called all my roommates and the hundreds of people who went in and out of the house on a weekly basis).

The school year wound down and suddenly it was May. Naturally, there had to be a huge party to celebrate the conclusion of another year. It was held on a farm secluded deep in the country side of Marshall County where we poised no threat to civilization.

Ironically enough, I went to the party with the Redneck. (I am semi startled when rounding up all these pictures how often he appeared! Then again, he was a frat brother.)As soon as we got there, he ditched me on the spot for this bosomy siren! I was humiliated and hurt and did the best I could not to have the entire party ruined because of his actions.

I found a spot on the porch, close to the keg of beer when HE found me. In spite my apprehensions and misgivings,I was very happy to see him. He had been gone a very long time. That afternoon he was my knight in shining helping me save face.

He was back from Arizona for a short stay. So short that they were leaving to head west the next day.

Hesitently, he asked if I wanted to go along..............

And then HE entered my life.

All summer long it was party after party. If not on the Houseboats, then a field party, or a kegger, or a neighborhood party. That is where we met, at the Winchester. A series of maybe eight small cottages, layed out in a semi circle with a common area in the center. The houses themselves were two small rooms and very coveted. The coolest people lived there. Molly and the Redhead had one along with several of my friends. A big party complex.

He had been in a self imposed exile, trying to figure out why a good friend of his had committed suicide. He was re-entering, perhaps emerging from a depression, back into the college town hum and ended up at that party, sitting on a stoop with me.

For some inexplicable reason, he fell head over heels for me that night. I spent the rest of the summer trying to avoid him. I did not know how to let him down easily, so I just ran when I saw him.

He left school, left Murray behind and moved to Arizona. One day I received a letter from him. I mentioned it one of my friends, Jill. She immediately asked to see the letter. As she read it she began to cry. I had no idea she had feelings for him! It made me ......wonder about him.

Shouldn't life be more like the movies? A crashing crescendo of powerful music announcing the arrival of the most important, most influential person you will ever have in your life?

$85.56

My new years resolution, well not exactly a resolution, but a wish list of things I want to happen. One of them, at the top of the list, was to be better to myself. To take better care of myself. I have happily discovered the writer SARK who is a breath of fresh air. We should just accept ourselves! And then eat the banana split. I really like her.

But, I also am reading a book called The Perrionce Prescription which takes a different approach. Take care of your skin with diet and supplements and you will feel so good it will be disgusting to anyone who knows you and is witness to the transformation. This regiment is meant to turn back the hands of time. Who could resist?

I am doing the 3 day diet...Right now it is killing me and I am rolling it around in my head to run out and buy a bottle of Coconut rum....Which is suppose to make a noticeable difference! We'll see.

The I went nutsand purchased all sorts of face creams, face lotions, and cleanser. I added to my cart approximately 10 bottle of vitamins and minerals. This is recommended. This is also in addition to the 10 pills I already pop!

I should be drop dead gorgeous in three months! Or broke.

DOGS DIAMONDS WHAT'S YOUR DEAL?

I think every person had a defining moment in their lives where they realize that things will never be quite the same every again. It is as if you are shedding a skin of the person you use to be and emerge into a new life.

That is how it was that summer of 1974. I was able to secure a job working at Ken Lake as a waitress enabling me to stay in Murray for the summer. I moved out of the dorms and began to share my first apartment with a friend. My friend was recently divorced, and a very sad story. Marred to one of the locals after the summer of our freshman year, it did not last six months.

I left the campus, and ultimately most of the college students I was so use to hanging around with and entered the realm of the real world of Murray. I was able to mix the two together, somehow and that summer of 1974 was to be the most fun, the most memorable of all my time in west Kentucky.

I spent the entire summer working and enjoying cash tips, going to concerts, such as the one above, meeting the owners of an up and coming sun tan lotion business who loved to party, spent endless hours at the lake on the beach, riding around on boats, trying to learn to water ski, enjoying house boat parties, meeting the town bootlegger and company and being totally immersed into that crazy crowd of people. The locals.

My most endearing memory occurred late one night, sitting on the banks of the lake, drinking beer and listening to the lull of the water and the sounds of the talk around me. I was fixed up with one of my roommates friends, a local man named Ricky. Ricky also was bruised by love, had built a very successful masonry business and accumulating more money than he knew what to do with. So, he spent it freely on his friends. He decided he really liked me, I was the woman of his dreams and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with.

This is how he proposed............."Dogs, diamond's...........What's your deal?"

And then waited for an answer. I was dumbfounded. Then I started to laugh. Then he began laughing. Everything he saw me after that (i.e., sober) he would sing out, "Mary, Mary, marry me. Dog's, diamonds, what's your deal?"

About a year ago I found a journal written by a woman from Murray. I emailed her and we found out we were about the same age and knew many of the same people! It was with great sadness I learned that in the 1980's, Ricky was killed by a police officer at the scene of a crime taking place. Ricky was unarmed. It was a mistake. I cried for him, seeing him as that young man, arms wrapped around himself, rocking back and forth as was his habit singing that verse to me.

"Mary, Mary will you marry me?"

Very near to the end of the second semester of my illustrious tenure at Murray, several of us thought it would be great fun to have our cards read. The woman who did the reading was a legendary talent with the Tarot.

When it was my turn, I was told I would marry a man with dark hair. What a relief to my 19 year old neurotic self. I, who was secretly concerned that I was totally undesirable and would never find someone to love me, was reassured that someone somewhere sometime would find me. Unfortunately, the man I was crazy about at the time, was a red head!

Did I go to college to find a husband? Perhaps it lurked in the back corners of my mind. It is perfectly obvious I did not go to receive an education! Before the Redhead, I never really had what one would call a true boyfriend. There never was a certain someone that I could count on for a standing Saturday night date. Going steady during high school, wearing a boys Senior ring on my finger, wound tight with angora yarn to fit snugly on my finger was not meant to be.

The Redhead was my first bona-fide boyfriend! I met him through his room mate, the Redneck, who was pledging the fraternity of which I was one of the swinging little sisters. Both the Redhead and the Redneck were from Louisville. The south end of Louisville to be exact, renown as the breeding ground of stance rednecks.

No trucks for these rednecks. The Redhead drove the sweetest 'Cuda. The hottest car on campus. It was solid black with white leather interior. I think I loved that car as much as I liked the Redhead. He also introduced me to the Lake area of western Kentucky.

Way back in the 1940s, the TVA dammed up and flooded a massive area of Kentucky and Tennessee in that corner of the world, creating three of the most beautiful lakes, Lake Barkley, Ken Lake, and the Kentucky Lake. The Redhead's family had a summer cottage on Ken Lake.

Could it get any better? I was riding around in a hot muscle car heading for fun times at a gorgeous lake house!

Our romance lasted through the end of the semester. It could not survive the long summer separation. Upon returning to school in the fall, the Redhead met and fell in love with Molly. Amazingly enough, they were both from Louisville and both had red hair! It is impossible to fight destiny, let alone the Tarot cards.

Alone again, naturally.

THE COTTON CLUB DOWN SOUTH


CLAP HANDS HERE COMES CHARLIE

I can not remember the first time I went South. I can not begin to count the times I went South. Sometimes, I could not even remember I had been South.

It would begin innocently enough. You would be studying quietly in your dorm room. You had probably just returned from a wonderful wholesome (just like Mom cooked!) meal at the Cafeteria. Someone would come down the hall way, stick their head in your room and ask, "Wanna go South?" I never once said no.

Nine miles directly south of Murray you went through a small town called Hazel that dropped you into Tennessee. Home of the 18 year old legal drinking age. (We're talking the 1970's.)

Of the many bars directly over the border, The Cotton Club was the dive of choice. All the college kids went there. The regular house band was called, Clap hands Here Comes Charlie and was made up of music majors from MSU. They had a horn section and could rock that concrete joint like there was no tomorrow. They played a lot of Chicago, we danced like crazy, on the dance floor, on the table tops, we drank the cheap beer....mainly Busch beer...., we played the pin ball machines, we flirted, we danced some more, and then around 11pm the large bell would be rung announcing last call. We would load up in our cars, and head back up Route 641, praying that tonight would not be the night they would have a road block.

It was THE PLACE to be during the week! Murray was a "suitcase campus". The week end would roll around and the majority of the students would head home. Since I lived so far from Central KY, I rarely went home. The week ends were reserved for Fraternity functions.....the week days were for GOING SOUTH!

LATE BLOOMER

Addicted to Love (part seven)

Did I go to college to find a husband? Perhaps that was in the back of my mind, to find a mate settle down, be a family. Yet, I had the rest of my life to find him. In reality, I never really had a true boyfriend before. There was never that certain someone that I could count on for a standing Saturday night date. All through high school I never went steady, unlike most my friends who wore their boyfriends high school rings wound up with angora string to make it fit firmly and snuggly on their fingers.

In all honesty, Gary was my first really and truly bona fide boyfriend. His roommate, Doug, was pledging the fraternity of which I was one of the swinging little sisters. Both Gary and Doug were from Louisville. The south end of Louisville, that is. Renown as the red neck part of Derby city, and both of them would tell you stories about Saturday night fighting for fun that would make you shake your head in disbelief.

Gary drove the sweetest 'Cuda. Solid black with white leather interior. I loved that car, I loved driving around in it. Gary introduced me to the Lake area of western Kentucky. The TVA had dammed up and flooded a massive area in west Ky and Tenn. Creating three huge lakes, Kentucky, Barkley and Ken Lake. Gary's family had a summer cottage on Ken Lake.

Could it get any better? Riding around in a hot muscle car heading to the Lake area!

Our romance lasted through the end of the semester but could not survive the long summer separation. Returning to school in the fall he met and fell in love with a girl named Molly. Amazingly enough they were both from Louisville and both had red hair! It is impossible to fight destiny.

I was alone again, naturally.

WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE


ADDICTED TO LOVE (part six)

I applied to several colleges and Murray State University (a colossal 350 miles to the west)accepted me. That is the only reason that comes to my mind when I try to remember why I choose Murray! I began this journey into adulthood without any buddies with me. I barely knew three people who attended school there. Yet, this worked to my advantage. Rather than trying to cling to what and who I knew as familiar, entire new worlds were open to me.

I majored in having fun, drinking, going wild, shunning sororities, joining a fraternity as a little sister, going "South" every night that I could, and going to as many Hairy Buffalo parties that I could squeeze in (one being pictured above), smoking cigarettes, sleeping late, skipping classes, dating dating and then dating some more, and meeting people from such exotic places as New Jersey!

I blossomed into some wild party animal of the female variety and was having the time of my life. I flunked out in three semesters and was banished home.

I would never be content living under my parents roof again. I longed for The Cotton Club, that smoky dark square concrete bar across the Tennessee border where the legal drinking age was 18. I missed my fraternity brothers and the marathon card games we played. Every time I approached a soda machine, I looked for the Budweiser button. And not finding it was a stark reminder of the predicament I had placed myself into.

I had to go back. I worked my butt off as an operator at GTE 60 hours a week to raise enough money to pay my own tuition. And to return.

My heart was in Murray.

PROM NIGHT 1971


ADDICTED TO LOVE (part five)

The distance between town I lived in and the city I attended High School could be measured in more than just miles. They were two different worlds. My home town being a farm community, and the city....well, Lexington is the cultural center for the central and eastern parts of the state. The kids I went to High School with were mutually exclusive from the kids in my home town. That is just the way it was back then. Before Ma Bell broke up a call to Lexington, 10 miles away, was long distance. I had a foot firmly planted in both worlds.

When school began again, I became absorbed in High School again. The Dog was graduated, we were beginning to have wheels under us, we were upper classmen! This year in school things drastically changed for me. I can't tell you why, maybe it had something to do with me picking up the bad habit of smoking cigarettes. The art of smoking cigarettes without getting caught was great sport.

I found myself absorbed into a totally different crowd! The cool kids!

I was not cool. I hung around with the cool kids, but I was not cool. I had pretty low esteem regarding my looks. I was very self conscious by the fact that my left front tooth was broken and a dubious cap was in place waiting for my teeth to be "mature" enough to have a permanent replacement. I had suffered this ego destroying condition since I was 12. I felt I was unattractive for many reasons, the main one being I had no boy friend and it seemed everyone else did! I felt undesirable, unlovable and that the situation would never ever change, as long as I lived.

So many girls, myself included, allowed others to define their self worth. In high school, those "others" usually were immature males and insecure young women. I wanted to look like the models we poured over in magazines, and since I did not in any way resemble them, I felt something was lacking in me.

Look at me! Aren't I hideous?

I needed a good smack to the head back then!

BAD MOON RISING

Addicted to Love (Part Four)

Bad Moon Arising

John Paul and I went out for about a month. Then his ex-girlfriend wanted him back. And back he went. My first dumping! Oh my broken heart! So I did what all red blooded 16 year old girls do, I began to date his bet friend, "Moon."

Moon was you quintessential bad boy! Incorrigible, kind of mean, totally out of control, irreverent, and wealthy. He had yet to turn 16. Which one would think was a problem, but not with Moon. Here was the deal............I would spend the night with one of my gal pals. We would wait until the appointed hour, sneak out of the house...........

This deserves a little attention. Sneaking out of the house is not as easy as tiptoeing to the back door and quietly leaving. Oh no! This involved ladders to second story windows. This included, but was not limited to, crawling belly down on roof tops, climbing down trees, camping out in the "guest quarters" with pillow dummies in the sleeping bags, lies, lies and more lies. Typical 16 year old stuff.

Moon would be waiting for us, hidden by the cloak of night, in a car that has been acquired by silently rolling it down his families driveway and then firing it up as it hit the street!

Oh the happiness of the middle of the night joy rides! Drinking PBR beer and Little King Cream Ale. Criss crossing all the back roads of our county. Tossing empty beer bottles at road signs all night long. Then as quietly as possible, creeping back into the house.

Moon was sent away to Reform school..........I mean Prep school several weeks later!

I kept J.P. in the picture, always in the corner of my eye. I saved my life guard money for weeks and bought a cherry red polyester two piece outfit. A mini skirt (as short as my Mom would let me) with a scooped neckline top adorned with tiny feminine buttons down the front. Add a pair of classic white Aigner sandals, that showed off my marvelous lifeguard tan, I headed out to our last swimming meet intent to turn heads.

With one particular person in mind.

ADDICTED TO LOVE (Part Three)

The summer I was sixteen, everything changed. The possession of drivers license was introduced. The summer was spent in a totally new envirornment, that of the moving vehicle! This was our newsport, one of us to fanagle our parents car,usually a station wagon or something equally as muddane, go around to everybody's house and pick them up, then head to the Main Drag.

You would begin anywhere on Main Street then head North or South. North took you to the Dairy Queen, where you would cruises into the parking lot, loop behind the building and head back out the entrance. You of course were checking out who was at Dairy Queen.

Then you would head South, through town and arrive at the Convenient Food Store at the other end, make the turn into the area in front of the old elementary, cruise through the bus drop off area, then head back towards the North of town.

The time spent cruising town was vitally important. Because everyone did it! It was crucial to be seen. Looking back, it was such innocent fun. The town's young teenage population moving at a leisurely, fluid pace. The sport was to honk at those you knew. What a acrimonious symphony we created those hot summer nights. Young hot blooded men, and sweet southern belles poised on the threshold of womanhood.

That is howI met J. A transplant to our small community from somewhere very foreign, Brazil. His father was an American who met his mother while teaching in South America. J. Was one of four brother each one dark,with black hair and beautiful brown eyes.

I fell so hard for J. The pattern was qucikly being established for the rest of my life, I was a sucker for a pretty face.

After weeks of flirting with each other communicated with varies types of car honks (each type of honk having different meaninds....Short sharp honk, means "In hurry, headed 'fill-in-the-blank. Long,leaning on the steering wheel means, "look at me, I want you to pull over!" A couple of quick toots in succession means, "Hey cut!" and so on) He finally decided to ask me out.

He called my house, the phone line was busy. He called later, the phone line still busy. My Mother always took the phone off the hook when the babies were napping! He did not know this since he really did not know me...Yet. So he tries again. Line busy.

One of my best pals came running up to the back door of our house and fell through in a panting, gasping for breath collaspe. She was always slightly over weight, and running was mother thing. She came from her house, on the other side of Broadway, at least 3/4 of a mile to yell atme, "Put your phone on the hook! J is trying to call you to ask you out!!!!!!!!!"

He called her house to see if I happened to be over there.

The two of us, with our heads pressed together, listened to him finally stumble through the words of asking me out to the movies!

Thank goodness for the best friend a girl could ever have!

ADDICTED TO LOVE (PART TWO)

(I struggled today with whether I should be posting pictures of people without their permission. (As if it ever stopped me before.) This particular picture is over 30 years old. And, if I were him, I'd be flattered that someone had a crush on me in High School. After all, look at him! ....)

Fast forward to High School. A little background is needed. I went to a Catholic High School located in a city I did not live in. This High School had six elementary schools that fed into it. A total of only 400 students at that time. I knew only two people at the school the first day I set foot across the ugly faded blood red doors that led into the foyer adjacent to the front office. Neither of them were in my class. I was on my own....not for the last time in my life either.

I cannot remember the first time I saw him. If I could remember that moment, I'm sure that I was struck deaf, dumb and blind by his radiant beauty. His golden hair, his penetrating blue eyes, his slightly klutzy manner. He was a god. I referred to him as THE DOG to all my closest friends. They all knew I was severely crazy over him. I worshiped him from afar. I hung around the hallway closest to his homeroom just to catch a glimpse of him. I was so in love with him that I even joined the track team to be close to him.

He was two grades ahead of me and he was my world for two years. No one else mattered. The fact that he never knew I existed did not phase me. If he ever looked at me, which I am certain he did because who cannot notice someone worshipping you all the time for two years, I froze like a deer in headlights.

The strongest memory that has survived occurred at the water fountain outside the gym. My best friend, Karen, rushed over to me during study hall with a DOG alert. Sent to me in the form of a note...."Dog sighting in office." I got excused out of study hall and ran to the water fountain to get a drink waiting for him to walk by. I waited and waited, the water running and running. I was there for what seemed an eternity before giving up.

As I turned, abruptly...he was right behind me waiting to use the water fountain. I came close to knocking him down which thank God I did not. The stream of water I spewed all over him was quite enough.

I thought I was going to die.

Years later at our 20 year reunion, one of my teachers Mrs. W. made the remark to all with in earshot. "That J.S.............I had such a crush on him!"

Et Tu.

PHOTO FRIDAY


MADISON STREET, COVINGTON, KY

I am amused every time I see this sign. I laugh inside thinking, "Yea right, all the most beautiful Exotic Dancers are beating down the doors to perform there!". That is why I am submitting it for this weeks challenge.

It was snowing this morning. Early, when everything was still quiet and very peaceful, I ventured out to take this picture. The snow was an added bonus. The small snowfall muffled the morning. Only a handful of people were braving the elements walking about, and only slightly more were driving. I appreciate these moments because they are very rare.

I am totally enamored with the bridges in Northern Kentucky. I could photograph them everyday and always find something new and interesting about them. They seem to offer a gateway to my imagination, a portal, an adventure, new beginnings, lost dreams and starting over.

With the temperatures in the high 20's and the wind chill must have been in the teens because my legs were frozen, I could not drag myself away from the Riverwalk. I wandered around for over an hour in a mini-adventure in the swirling snow.

FLOOD AT THE NEWPORT LEVEE


HOW I SPENT MY WEEKEND

By taking some lousy pictures! Yikes. It is hard to show the scope of what the Ohio is doing to the banks of Kentucky and Ohio. The Licking River, the same thing. I just wish the pictures were better. I walked over the Bridge into Cinti in the sunshine. It has been hiding from us since Dec. 29th! It felt wonderful on my face. Short lived, we are back to over cast days and rain. Flooding is inevitable and is occurring now in some areas. Zorro is safe, tucked behind the Levee.

It was a family sort of week end. His son B. came up there and entertained his daughter B. Other than that an unremarkable week-end.

My blogging has been on the down slide. Nothing notable to write about. Lots of things going on, but only fragments of inspiration. My heart is heavy for my dearest friend. Her marriage is on the rocks after 30 years. Having been through it a time or two, though absolutely nothing like it must be like , feel like after all that time. The betrayal, the hopelessness, the rage.

When Zorro and I were having our problems in the past they would be very bad. Once time I thought I had really lost him to another woman. Waking up each morning, out of the comfort and cushion of dreams into the harsh reality was the worst part of the day. Realizing what was wrong, why the heart was so heavy, so broken. The heaviness of the soul.

I want to wave a magic wand and make it all better for her. All I can do is pray for her and be there for her.

CAFFEINE BOYCOTT

I have officially given up coffee. Now, coupled with the elimination of Diet Coke from my system three weeks ago...I guess I am close as I have ever been to being caffeine free.

Guess what? I feel better! I really do. I had a slight headache on Saturday, but it vanished and I'm okay. I noticed right off the bat that I am not on edge. I'm not strained when my cell phone goes off and someone wants me to do my job. I was calm and practically serene at the meeting this morning, asking questions in a gentle manner rather than my confrontational tone.

Could it be caffeine, my long time friend, was no good!

NEWPORT NEW YEAR DAY


You marry someone knowing things about them but not facing those things. You marry someone because you love them. You manage to convince yourself that you are marrying them because you love them. It has nothing to do with lonliness, or being afraid. And then, your are stuck with it.

My new year resolution was to make a wish list for 2005 and then go after it! At the top of the list was to BE GOOD TO MYSELF. I firmly believe that everything else I want (for everyone) will fall into place if I learn to love myself. I know it sounds so 1970, but I think there was something to it. If I forgive myself, forgive myself for taking the wrong turns, making the wrong decisions, loving the wrong people, wanting the wrong things for the wrong reasons, forgive myself for all the mistakes, all the stupidity..........then maybe I can get unstuck.

Joe has got to change or I have to change. He acts like a child at times and I am no better with my reaction. I guess if someone has to be the adult, it is me. He has problems that astound me. Unfortunately I react from my gut. I react with all the unforgiving I have about myself. I still kick myself for allowing myself to fall in love, be crazy about someone who is a NUT CASE. But then, I always have.

Fog over the Ohio on Saturday. It was beautiful in a ghoulish way. Like life.

NEW YEAR WISHES


I have written about my first "Bible" (journal) before. This picture literally fell out a few moments ago. It fits quite nicely considering where my thoughts have been this afternoon. I went up to the attic and recovered my old (old) address book. This is one I have have had in use since highschool. It has quite a few of my highschool chums addressed scribbled in pencil on the pages.

What I am most curious about are the people from Murray I knew so long long ago. I found the few, the ones I would love to contact. I accessed Classmates.com and began to look. I so far, have found one! I think to join will be a fun thing. I'll do it when I return Monday.

I want to reconnect with, find old friends. It is selfish of me, I want a Christmas card list that is at least (be realistic, girl) 60 people!

Oh, the picture. I'm going to save the explanation for a less rushed entry (have to leave in 45 minutes). But, notice Washington Square in the background!

GIRLS LOVE THEIR PONIES


I go to the box of photo's for inspiration. Life has been in the dullsville as of late. With the hustle and bustle of Christmas behind us it is hard to get excited about much. News Year Eve, Zorro and I shall walk to SOUTHGATE HOUSE in Newport and partake in the celebration going on there. A very easy walk home.

There I was some 40 odd years ago, sitting so pretty on a horse at a birthday party held on Blackburn Court at Shelley's house. No idea who's birthday it could have been! Precious picture of T. (my middle bro) sitting on the house crying! Big Baby! Several years ago I was dating a guy who among other things, framed pictures. He took the three pictures of me, N. & T. and made a beautiful picture frame for Christmas for my Mom...circa 1978. He was also a musician, playing jazz electric bass. I met him through Shirley, the bar manager. Her husband, (who died this past January, what a shame) and J. would come in and wait at the bar for Shirley to finish. J. had beautiful long blonde hair. He was pretty enough to be a girl. I inadvertently broke his heart. He was the nicest person, but it was not meant to be for him and me.

How I went from the Pony To Breaking Hearts...well, I guess that is rambling.

Fruits of My Labor


I really like this photo taken in the kitchen yesterday around 230pm. The light is coming through the window and just bathing the table. I took the picture so that Zorro could see the baskets I have been making for the women on his side of the family.

I slept late this morning, waking up a little before 9am! I am going to load up the sleigh and head towards Cincinnati where they experience a devastating winter storm earlier this week. The only that prohibited Zorro from coming home.

We have missed Christmas together before. I'll be damned if as a married couple you will spend our first separated!

This could be very interesting!

WINTER STORM DECEMBER 2004


WHAT I SEE

The entire day yesterday the alarm was out, winter storm coming! I waited all day and all night. When my alarm went off at 430 am, I was greeted with the sound of ice pellets hitting the back of the house. I quickly found out they were bombarding all sides, including the roof! A thick sheet of ice encapsulated everything. As the weak sun appeared and cast down muted light....it was a winter fairy land. So naturally, I called in took a personal day.

I grabbed my camera, bundled up and hit the sidewalks. I began my journey walking down Broadway. As I reached Main Street I realized that I was on the familiar path I took most mornings on my walk to school, because I always missed the bus. The sidewalk led me towards downtown, passing in front of the churches that line the street. First, the abandoned Catholic church (now a catering facility) followed by the large houses that sit back on a hill with large sweeping front yards with the spectacular rock walls. In my graceful youth, I balanced myself from precarious rock top to the next. The Episcopalian Church, the Baptist church, the Presbyterian church and then you were in the center of town.

I took pictures of everything that I fancied. Empty lots where Hobbs once stood, the site of my first attempt at being a criminal...shoplifting. The expansion of the library, the library that was at one time confined to the top floor of the building with the smell of moldy books all bound in that rich earthy maroon tone. My Mom took charge of the archaic excuse for a library and changed it for all time. The site of the old Court House that burnt to the ground in the early 1960's. The Corner Drug Store still there, though very much changed eerily remains much the same.

Through the scary park where I was not allowed to play because of bums living down there. Where did those so called "bums" go?

Ending up at the cemetery. For one brief moment the sun shone through a small break in the granite gray sky. The above picture is the result. Much more dramatic in person than I could ever convey with Photoshop.

LET IT SNOW


I have hundreds of these photo's. All memory melodies humming their lyrics in my head and I transport them to this medium!

The Gang! Well, about four of us from the gang, myself behind the camera. Our favorite playmate, H. on the bottom. Just one of the girls. Back in those days we never asked ourselves if he was a little different. We just accepted him as one of us. He was the most fun. I have lots of H. stories, but the nicest one of all is that we do keep in touch!

Anyone that can take three girls on top and ride them down a snowy hill is a real man in my book!

MEMORY BOX


L. AND C.F.

I started off calling this Pandora's Box. Then I realized it was not that, but a magic box full of pictures from my High School years and early college. Each picture transforms the box into a music box, the sweet melody of the memories gently nudging my day dreams.

I saw C.F. this past week. There is no other like her never will be a replacement for her, the space she holds in my heart. She is the closest thing I ever had to a sister after my two blood sisters. Circumstance, alcohol, bad marriage, guilt and trauma, maybe post trauma stress syndrome accompanied with death, mental illness, denial, and loosing everything has transformed my best friend into someone I do not know. I will never have C.F. back the way she was before life and alcohol beat her down and rearranged her.

The woman was wearing a camel color car coat length jacket. Around her neck was a long knitted scarf dramatically wrapped, the ends flying like wings on either side of her. Her legs appeared skinny under the long tailored pants, balanced on spiky high heeled shoes. On her head was a gauntly angled cap. Her hands were encased in leather gloves. Extended out for balance as she confidently jay walked across Short Street. A cigarette dangled between the fingers.

I never saw her face, but I know it was her. No one crosses a street with such a style as she always did. No matter the amount of alcohol and regret that ravages her, she can still stop traffic.

THE BIRTHDAY GANG ON KILMER DR. circa 1959


BABY BOOMER GENERATION

The date on the back of the photo says August 1959. The date means nothing. It is not a birthday...so I am perplexed. Regardless..... Next to me, I am the one on the left holding Sue Alice's hand, is Shelley. Next to Shelley is Ned, then Tombo showing his tummy for all to see for eternity. Behind us is my Mom holding little Pork Chop Paddy, Jimmy, Mike and finally Tommy.

I received a phone call from Shell about two weeks ago. I run into Sue Alice in the Kroger store, ditto with Tommy. Mike I believe I ran into at the Lex. Co. Club. My brothers are a constant in my life. Jimmy is the only one lost to time and circumstance.

This is the fun part of life and blogging. Finding little puzzle pieces of my life in these photographs and them placing them into the picture. The whole will be the memoir. Fragments with memories being the glue.

STEVE


I know this is not a very flattering picture of Zorro. I took it while in Dublin earlier this year. We were in a mall type area, with open stalls of shops in the middle, traditional stores on either side. Zorro put these glasses on and goofed around. Stealing the scene from Multiplicity.

Marriage is hard. Him being in Newport is hard. My feelings become hurt. I guess I want him to be nicer to me and sometimes he just isn't. I have a ton of faults. I am trying to squelch the ones I can in regards to the family situation...our blended family. I know I can be more attuned to what is happening, and sometimes I am thick on purpous. I think that some dynamics are in play behind the scenes that I have no control, no knowledge of, just a hint of suspicion. I think B. tells things that are not true in relation to me. I assume she likes to play drama card, gain attention from her Mom...perhaps even the notion of loyalty is factored in. Anyway, I find it awkward that I was not considered part of the solution with her........It is beginning to sound ridiculous even to me.

Zorro left here with me angry at him. Maybe he does not know how he comes across. I just don't know if I trust him up there in Newport alone. I wish he were not so damn mean. I am on his side afterall.

Not making very much sense am I?

NANA circa 1914


Sometime last year my Aunt showed a letter to me she had received from a cousin of ours named Hugh. I was rather shocked that I had cousins I knew nothing about. I realized there was a lot about my Dad's side of the family of which I knew very little. In particular, the multitudes of relatives I have in England, Ireland, and God knows where else.

Hugh and I have been sporadically emailing each other ever since then. Anyone who has ever pried the lid off a Pandora box will understand how overwhelming it can be. Yet thrilling.

My Grandmother was a beautiful woman. I found her on a manifest in 1913 coming to the United States through Ellis Island. She was to join her husband, who I will call R.P., who was already living in NYC.

It is a tale of woe. R.P. was an alcoholic who abandoned his family leaving Nana alone to raise three children. Gerald, who is pictured above, died at an early age. Nana cried and grieved for Gerald to her dying day. Nana's family helped, opening the family home in NYC for Nana to stay and have a home for her three surviving children. When her mother died, the family home was overtaken by the oldest (unmarried) brother and Nana was literally put on the street.

Bad Blood was born. That is why finding all these cousins is such a shock. They were never mentioned before I saw that letter from Hugh looking for us!

I'm writing about this because I am excited. Today I have been contacted by yet another cousin...as she puts it LONG LOST COUSIN 16,000 TIMES REMOVED. She is English and living in Alabama!

Ain't Life Grand?

WHAT I SEE


START AT THE END.......THEY MAKE THE BEST BEGINNINGS

I have just popped my second hydrocodone of the afternoon because my latest outbreak of shingles is hurting like a mother! I have it in the most uncomfortable area imaginable! Last night I felt the tingling of it beginning to break out, and unsuspecting I thought, "Gads, that smarts ........oh freaking nooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!" The only good thing is the supply of hydrocodone, which I do not need after the first 24 hours but save for those special times when I desperately need them. Such as giving to Zorro so he will fly! Bad pun, I mean to enable him to get on a plane.

So I may be a little loopy.

I'm home alone while my sweetie is up North working. I have my Irish music on the stereo, Lunasa, the Kinnitty Sessions. I have spent all afternoon reading the greatest book, POSTCARDS by E. Annie Proulx. I have been practically unable to put it down since I started reading it the other day. Fantastic literature. Best of all, I am on the computer to my hearts content without someone shouting at me from the living room, "What are you doing in there? Blogging AGAIN!!!!!!!" So I should be in heaven, right? All ME time.

I am so over the thrill of being able to do anything I want. I miss my sweetie and I am melancholy...especially being pumped full of hydrocodone. Some of the worst parts are looking for my "lost" stuff and having no one to immediately blame. Having no one to wrestle over the remote control...(why is it that men feel they should be in charge of the remote)? No one to come home to and cook dinner for.

Thinking I lived for the weekends before....?

I had no idea.

DREARY DAY ON MONMOUTH


The second weekend spent in Newport was not as exciting as the first. We got a later start and the weather was overcast with drizzle. We got out later in the evening when Zorro woke up, just shopping at the knock off Big Lots. It has a name, but it is strange like Mazuks perhaps.

Saturday evening Mom called not feeling well. I could not help. Added to the helplessness was the fact that the phone seemed to be busy for over an hour. I finally got through and spoke to my brother P. who was going to spend the night. I was feeling pretty low that I was not there to aide. It must have taken P. over an hour to get there. Me? I'm five minutes away.

Sunday was another dreary day, but I grabbed my camera and took an hour walk around town. I took numerous pictures along the main Newport Street, Monmouth. Actually, I was trying to capture the names of the various restaurtants and bars for future reference and visitation!

Pepper Pod Restaurant.

Peyton Place Restaurant.

Scotties Place.

Eberts Meats.

I took this shot along side Peyton Place. It was amazing that the geraniums were still in bloom on December 12th. I liked the rusty mailbox and the green awning background. I know it looks kind of busy, but I decided not to crop it too much.

Mom is okay. I still would like .............

LYNN'S PARADISE CAFE


CULINARY AND VISUAL DELIGHT IN LOUISVILLE

The colors are straight from the Caribbean. Pinks, yellows, soft sea blues. Two trees, possible paper mache, dominate the dining area. Reaching to the ceiling with white branches and trunk, as if winter is year round in Lynn's. Hanging from the trees are small miniature disco ball ornaments. The walls above the windows kicking out into the room are the bottom half of mannequins covered in psychedelic color 60's style pants and kooky socks. The tables in the center of the room are a hodge podge of mismatched Formica style art deco treasures found at yard sales, flea markets and Grandma's. The legs made of curved aluminum, are art in themselves. Against the wall, under the windows & dancing legs are bright booths upholstered in red vinyl. On the window sills are handfuls of mixed up Trivial Pursuit cards from the various versions for your challenge. Also a puzzle is available, one that is hand made and requires exquisite dexterity to maneuver the tiny silver ball across and over each bridge to the "win"spot. And the best of all, an army of small dinosaurs to play with and arrange.... ready to devour your meal once it arrives at the table.

Table lamps are everywhere. The type with ceramic bottoms painted with large cabbage roses, and fringed lamp shades. Everywhere you look is a magical and visual delight.

It is a treat to dine at Lynn's Paradise Cafe. I usually try to get in on those days where there is a 45 minute wait. Sometimes I'll just accept it, order a bloody Mary and wait. I was introduced to Lynn's after running my first 10K. It seemed to be the happening place afterwards as the room was filled runners wearing the T-shirts of the first leg of the Triple Crown.

I fell in love.

It was a treat to introduce Bridget and her sweetheart S. to Lynn's today.

They loved it too. (they love when I come to Louisville because we all eat well!)

COINCIDENCE........I DON'T THINK SO.

I am up at 4am again. Why? Because I am crazy and lazy. Zorro is coming home today and I have to tidy up the house, vacuum, hide stuff...the usual. I went over to Moms to sit with Dad while she attended Mass for the holy day of obligation ( which one I can not remember, but it has something to do with Mary). So, my plans of putting up a tree and baking cookies did not pan out (bad pun).

Naturally I had to get to bed. It is not easy getting up at 4am three days in a row. Geez.

Yesterday I was shopping for several things. First, my ANY SOLDIER package that I want to get in the mail today. I ran across an article in the Cincinnati paper that outlines how to do it, I got on line and found a Marine that would distribute the stuff I send. Off to Sams Club for a bag of candy, a big container of bubble gum and some brand new Skittle chewing gum. Today I will throw in eye drops, baby wipes, and lip balm. I wanted to include home made cookies, but I guess I can do that later.

They also asked for DVD's and VHS's, so I thought I would swing by the Salvation Army Thrift store and check out their selection. And while I was there, I figured I could replace my bathrobe.

This is the story, while in Knoxville I left my beloved Victoria Secret flannel blue and white checkered robe. I have had that robe for years, considering it one of my most fantastic bargains found at this particular Salvation Army for $6.99 several years ago. Could I lose this robe in Ireland...no. How about the two cruises we went on...no. All the numerous hotels we go to...no. How about Dublin Ohio? no. Louisville?....no.

So I wander over towards the sleepwear aisle.

Now I know some of you will be thinning, "Ick!" But I am one cheap lady. How do you think I afford all the great Plum Wine?

I saw a blue robe hanging from the rack. I thought to myself, wouldn't that be great if I could find the same robe.

I'll be damned! There it was, the blue and white checkered Victoria Secret flannel robe! Only this time it is a petite (I cam live with it), it is a little more worn than the one I had and it comes with a belt. And for $4.99

I couldn't be happier and warmer! God works in mysterious ways, and if you try to tell me any different, I'll just patronize you.

THE FIRST LOVE IS FOREVER


Once again I took an envelope of 120 negatives to be processed and got back a handful of fairy dust. Once again transported back to the mid-70's and JVK.

This picture is wonderful and makes me close my eyes and reach out and try to remember what that silky brown hair felt like inbetween my fingers. If only to trace those pouty lips . To have the thrill again of that lightening bolt jolt of lust. Watching him, that cigarette held in such a casual manner from his dramatic mouth, gunning the engine on that motorcycle. Climbing up behind him, sliding my arms around his 23 year old waist and holding on tightly.

Smelling the mixture of nicotine and exhaust.

Taking off into the past.

PHOTO FRIDAY ENTRY REFLECTIONS IN A PUDDLE

DAMN THAT CLARK HOWARD

It is time for my entry in Photo Friday. REFLECTION. I have waited the appropriate three to five days to ponder how to do it! Quite frankly, most all the people who participate are accomplished with a camera. So, I like to sort of sneak mine in after the rush.

It rained all day yesterday and half of today. Finally, the sun broke out and I jubliantly went to downtown Lexington to shoot one of the tall building with the coolest gold glass! The wind was horrific! I was almost blown down. My purse caught a tremendous updraft and nearly flew away with all my stuff.

I found a very quiet and uninhabited Friendship Garden. I walked around and took numerous pictures, wondering if what I was seeing would translate to the computer. It did.

Happily, I made my way home only to become very caught up in a Clark Howard topic discussion. It seems that it is being argued before the Supreme Court the right to purchase wine over state lines. You can only imagine my interest, as there is this lovely winery just over the Georgia border that has the most divine Plum Wine. (throw back to my BoonesFarm drinking days.) I was hanging on his every word and suddenly I noticed the police lights coming up fast behind me! Damn it all!!!!!!!! He ended up being very nice, since I learned my lesson the last time and did not tell him that I do it all the time .........and ended up with a warning.

When I arrived home I had waiting for me a letter (A REAL LETTER!!) from my cousin in LA!

Sometimes I think I live a charmed life.

PEACE BELL


EXPLORING NEWPORT

It is going to be a long process to find out all there is to know about Newport and the surrounding area. I look forward to it and gushed to Zorro this morning about how I love it! I heard the bitterness in his voice when he acknowledged my statement. He is up there alone, faced with another empty day to fill.

I read somewhere, its not that we see the world the way it is, but we see the world the way we are.

TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE ......


FIRST WEEKEND IN NEWPORT

Our first weekend in Newport! So much to do, so much to see, so many places to go! On the trip last weekend I noticed that a "Luminous Lighting & Holiday Walk" was to take place at the Newport Levee. I thought it would be a nice event to attend and take my step daughter B. while Zorro worked. We studied the local event tabloid which promised the following. "The annual City of Newport Santa parade......."

When the time approached, we bundled up and headed towards the Levee. Small white bags lined the street, weighed down with sand and anchored with white candles. We wandered all around, sneaking into the candy shop and buying a bag of carmels and chocolate covered jellies (yuck! I hate them from the box but oh I love them fresh!) and sharing a secret together from Zorro who refers to us as "Chunky Monkeys".

The candles were lit and we shared a good chuckle as one of the bags erupted into flames and burned brightly for several moments. We walked up and down the street.....confused. Where were the crowds that usually accompany a parade? Certainly we were in the right spot! The candles blazing were a dead give away.

We took a seat right on a wall in front of the Levee and waited. And waited. And waited. B. Stood up and squinted into the street that sloped upward before landing infront of us. "I see police cars!" she excitedly exclaimed! And in a few moments, so did I. They roared down the main drag and stopped the traffic in front of us. The parade must be coming!

Wait....What is that? A horse drawn carriage. Clip clop clip clop clip clop. It turned infront of us, the driver wearing a Santa hat and sitting in the seat behind him.....not even waving at the handful of people ..........when we all realized, its SANTA!

We followed him to the bottom of the steps where he twice said thank-you to the driver and then proceeded to give out a few candy canes to the children who were struck dumb by the climatic arrival.

B. and I hurriedly ran back to the street thinking there must be a parade following.........nothing. We hesitantly returned to Santa and waited for the lighting of the Christmas tree.

Everybody, all together now. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! Hurray!!!! Oops...Nothing. Then about ten seconds later..The tree lit up!

B. turns to me and in all her nine year old innocence says, "This is the lamest thing I have ever seen."

Ho ho ho.

DECK THE HALLS

I am drinking my first two (because I am on the second one) Eggnogs of the season. They are sooooooooo goooooood!

Went to The Book Cellar and for $8.50 I received the following:


1) Letters Home by Geo. Grant & Karen Grant. Sage advice from Wise
Men &Women of the Ages to Their Friends and Loved ones.

2) Songs in Ordinary Life by Mary McCarry Morris Oprah Book Club

3) The Annie Dillard Reader by Annie herself!

4) Aloha, Mr. Lucky by Carson Nierschfeld........Hawaii, journalist named Star,
and described as his literary ancestors are Leonard and Hiaasen. Sounded
very good!

5) Two Popular Photography magazines July & Sept. 2004

6) Cooking Light magazine Nov/Dec 1994....should have some good holiday
receipts.

7) THE RED FAIRY BOOK edited by Andrew Lang. A 1960 reprint from
an 1890 publication! In ragged condition, but the book actually called to me
from the rack it was sitting on waiting to be shelved.

$8.50!!! Is it any wonder my attic is bulging from all my treasures?

THE GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST



Photo Friday challenge is PROSPERITY. I had a bit of difficulty coming up with subject matter. Prosperity means something entirely different to me depending on the context. If you are talking about prosperity in general, I immediatley think of all the farm land that is being bulldozed so that larger and larger homes can be built. Ironically, they are then sold to people who love to say they live in horse country.

Today I went to buy a Christmas tree. I realized that I had found my little bit of prosperity on a tree lot. The trees were so beautifully tall androbustly full ...... with hefty price tags. Years ago when I was a single Mom with little money, Bridget and I would wait until a day or two before Christmas Eve to go buy a tree. They were so picked over by that time it was a miracle to find a nice tree. Yet we managed to do just that every year.

I know I can purchase a tree today without having to look at the price tag. I can buy it weeks before Christmas if I want. I walked among the richly scented trees and took pictures.

I decided to wait to buy the tree. I could not find the special one! I did not feel the magic just yet.

(ps...so totally playing around in Photoshop!)

DRAMA KING

Tonight is the first night of the rest of my life......some old saying like that. Actually, it is the beginning of life with Zorro in Newport and me here. And last night was intense. Somewhere it went wrong, don't know what I did. I am always doing something wrong, like eons ago, and I think I handled it okay. I did not call him and demand to know what was eating at him, why he ignored me two times, why he did not come in and say goodnight to me or goodbye. But I didn't. I called him as usual in the morning and things seemed okay. He sounded upset around the edges. B. had written him a letter about him leaving and he was choked up. He mentioned how bigger she seemed since he had last seen her (five days ago..lol) and I mentioned that she was growing very quickly and that he failed to even see she had boobies now! "I have you to always point that out to me." he snarled.

My word. Transference anyone. We talk about the anger his two older children have and how they direct it at me because where else can they find such an easy target. He does not understand that it is genetic and it is from him. I tell myself that he is a little nuts, but then so am I for staying with it.

I love this guy......and I realize I have to live with that. I had accepted the fact that he is far from perfect, has numerous flaws and many that I had to come t terms with to cope. Like B. He loves her, she is the apple of his eye. I can not stand her, but for him I keep that hidden away. I forgave him his indiscretion and beyond. Way beyond. Yet, sometimes I feel that he finds me so lacking in so many ways.

Well, he is no Christmas present. I refuse to go throughout the litany of his past crimes.

I hope that he realizes that he is putting us in a position that if he decides to make Newport his residence and shun our little house, then the only time we will have together will be in the presence of the Satan child?

Drama, people. He has whipped up this life for himself and I am sucked in. Why does this man have nothing? Why does a 51 year old man have approximately 8 more years of hefty child support payments?

I'm pissed off at the ass right now.