Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Seeking.....

Have not written here in some time so thought I would throw something together and maybe get back into the groove.

Since my Fathers passing I thought I would take it pretty well since everyday for the past five years I have thought he could leave us at any moment. Each birthday might be his last, east Christmas the final one we would spend together.

Just like when he was born in 1919 weighing in at 4 pounds, premature, predicted to die. My grandmother carried him around on a pillow so tiny he was.

He always was surprising everyone and when he passed it certainly surprised me. My daughter said to me, "I thought this was just going to be like all the rest, he would come home from the hospital and get better." Me too, I thought that he would resume, rebound, once again sit out his days in the "electric chair" (a mechanical chair that lifts a person and then gently pushes them forward so they can be standing on their feet in a matter of moments) watching John Wayne movies and holding court with all his many visitors. Though he could barely hear us, sometimes not know who we were, he enjoyed company.

Anyway, I though I was prepared for him passing. I have learned that no matter how certain you can handle it, it's heartbreaking and you miss them terribly.

Last Sunday I sat in the electric chair and just ....... just sat there and let my mind drain.

Is there an after life? Does the spirit of those we love hang around and embrace us, engulf us for a while? When I look at that chair I see him there, I feel him there.

Under the surface I have an emotional struggle raging.

I attended another funeral yesterday for one of my parents friends. I dread the next one I attend, knowing its going to be "A" of "B".....and I dread it.

I am becoming philosophical regarding the afterlife. Being Catholic I am suppose to have faith that those who live by God's rules find eternal life......

Eternal Life? What does this mean exactly?

9 comments:

Lisa :-] said...

So here's a comment from the old agnostic...

I can't believe in the "heaven" we were taught as children. It's way too much like earth...only better.

I do, however, believe that the spirit--or energy, or life force --goes on, to something beyond this life. Our bodies fail, and our spirits go on. And, I think, sometimes we do hang around awhile, attached to people or places we loved in life.

And no...it is not much easier when you think you are prepared to lose them...

Becky said...

I was raised a Catholic, but never put much stock in the stories of heaven. Then I read comments from a well known theoretical physicist about the laws of energy and how energy is converted from one form to another, but it is never created nor destroyed...and that living beings are full of energy and when the body stops, that energy doesn't just cease to be. It has to go somewhere or be converted into something. What? That is the big question that no one can answer. But...something. I found that more reassuring than any sermon about souls and heavenly rewards I ever heard as a kid.

gigi said...

We prepare ourselves intellectually, but can never be prepared emotionally for a sadness that seems to go on...forever. I have no belief in the existence of an eternal life. It seems, to me, to be all the more reason to fully engage in the one we are living.

Chris said...

Nicely written. I only wish I had the answer, but I go back and forth on this one.

Paul said...

Does anybody really know? At least you have the solace of making the most of your father's love in this lifetime. Anything else is a bonus.

Carla said...

Yep, you're right...no matter how prepared you think you are, even if you know it's time and for the best, it is always hard. Good luck. I hope you find peace somewhere in it all.

Family Affair Photography said...

Mary, I'm terribly sorry to hear about this and no matter how prepared we think we are - we aren't. My dad was the same way. He was supposed to die within months, then lasted years. When he went it was unexpected and sent me for a loop. Everyone at the time was telling me I should've been prepared. I THOUGHT I was!

Anyway, as for the afterlife stuff, I actually have thoughts along the same line as what Becky wrote. I just don't know where that energy goes when the body ceases. I tend to think it's close by to loved ones. And maybe that is just my own way of coping.

Monica
http://journals.aol.com/monicasmemoirs/midnight-conversations/
http://journals.aol.com/photographybymon/Mamarazzi/

nonizamboni said...

More and more coping...I know how tiresome it can be. Know I'll be thinking about you as you unravel all these mysteries, personal and universal. My early experience at Catholic school gave me a big fear of what comes after death. Along the way I have picked up my own views based on hope.
Take.good.care.

Maureen said...

You don't know me and I don't know you, but this post really hit me. That's how it was when my grandpa died. I was so sure he'd be okay, because he always was -- so it hit me very hard.

I'm very sorry for your loss. I know there is a Heaven, and that we will see God's face. But it's hard to lose someone, even if it is only for a while.

Anyway... I found your blog while looking for the date of Tempest's next concert at Canal Street Tavern. April 18, it is -- about a month after you posted this. I think someone is trying to cheer you up!