Thursday, May 20, 2004


I thought that nothing would change by getting married. After all we were together for six years nine months. Will a paper mean much more. Hell yes it does. The differences are vast and many and I discover more each day. How could I be so blind before? How dumb? Well, I just did not know. Everything your mom tells you....LISTEN!!

First, the panic...When I come home and he is in a snit cleaning the house. I am up at 5 am in the morning. I try to wash the dishes if there are any in the sink. I am tired when I come home. I know this is not an excuse for being messy, it is part of my make-up. Its just me. I was not flipped out when he got all over me taking about the adjustments he would have to make because we are so different. Cool!

Second, I understand that he really loves me. I may have known in the past that he loved me, but this is the ultimate expression of telling the world, his family, my family. It is my first, his last. He has been telling his family that.

Third, it just makes me feel like I have been enrolled into the club. Now I am a card carrying member of the secret society.

I am 51 years old. I have never married. I could have, but I balked once when I should have over come my fears. Not of marriage, but fear of walking down as aisle with people looking me. Ridiculous.

Then I was at a place where it was not important to me. At least for a time. When you don't love someone nor feel love...Why long for marriage. Why beat yourself up because you are not part of a couple.

I'm glad it happened. It is only good so far.

Divorce? Never, murder, yes!

Tuesday, May 18, 2004

vThe Dope on Elopement

I wish it were six months from now. I find that I am like a gold prospector. The silt, mud, and excess water drain away as I pan. I am left with gold nuggets. My story stripped of all the unnecessary.

I-75 South. It was lit up in the afternoon sunlight. Things took on an intensity that became slightly surreal to my senses. The farm land and horse country gave way to rolling hills. They gave way to the dense forests of Daniel Boone National Forest. Then, the majestic beginning of the Smoky Mountains. The sun was low in the West when we crossed the state line giving the world a magical glow It was magical that evening.

We drove up and down the two streets of Jellico looking for what I assumed would be the chapel of love! Jellico is renown for elopements. Famous actually. Did I expect a Las Vegas, Brittney Spears experience? I don't know what I expected, whatever it was I could not find it.

I spotted the police station and pulled in. I spoke to a handsome young officer and was informed that we needed to go to the County Clerks office in the morning and purchase a marriage license. They would call the chapel and set up the ceremony. The officer was so sweet. “When do you expect to get married?” “Tonight! I have him tied up in the back seat. Ready to go!“

It did not happen until the next morning. It was a miracle it happened then. In our haste to leave neither of us took any cash! We barely had enough with the help of the ATM machine. The chapel took a check, thank God. I was determined. There was no way I was leaving the state still a Miss. I was going to present the most heartfelt persuasion ever delivered in that mountain town. That was not necessary.

We were married at 1130am on May 13th. I wore my Nana’s watch. Jake, the director of tourism for Jellico was our best man and witness. Uncle Sam was the preacher. He did a fine job. If I were asked if I wanted anything in particular read, I would have requested 1Corinthians 13. I was not to be disappointed. He read it at the very end.

We were the 77th couple to be married in the chapel since its resurrection in January 2003. Our first task together as a married couple was to ring the church bell together seven times.

That, my friends, was music to my ears.

Yesterday I wrote a very cool entry about the wedding and/or elopement. But, I inadvertently deleted it trying to publish it! What's up with that? I hate it when I can't re-do and fix a mistake. Yuck.

Anyway, I wrote the story three times. Once in my long hand regular everyday Bible Journal. About four pages of long hand. Every detail, but I know I missed a few, but I tried. Then this blogger attempt which failed! Then when I went home I created on on AOL-Journal land and it worked pretty well.

Long and short of it is this....I'm married!!!!!!!!!

I'm an old fart whose chances of trying the knot faded daily, if not hourly. And the odds were not in my favor. I would have married a long time ago. I would have married the first and most intense love of my life, John. I was damn scared of a big wedding! Can you believe that b.s.? Afraid of walking down the aisle and having everyone look at me. What a pile of crap. Then when I wanted to elope with him after some friends had run off, he wouldn't do it. "I can't get married without my Mom!" That ticked me off.

This was 1977. I was an immature idiot and besides that I was smoking way too much dope (good dope) and drinking way too much alcohol (rot gut). And I lost him by being too stupid and immature to understand that an only child knows how to handle his parents.

That was so many years ago? 20 years to the date I met Joe. Nearly seven years later I have married him. This union was not easy to conclude...but I love him. Can not imagine life without him. I have my flaws, he has his. Together we will work it out, grow old together and then follow each other into death.

I'm freaked out about that death part, but after all this time, I know that is how it will end.

Wednesday, May 12, 2004

This new blogger thing is trippy! Maybe I can upload some pictures.

Last night I wrote a very heart wretching entry on my AOL-J jnl. I immediately wished I had not. So I jus deleted it. Anyway, it was pretty good, but too personal.

Joe and I are at it again. Calling it quits. For the third time. He wrote me a very hate filled email about everything he can not stand about me. He can not stand to be around me. I love everything (can you believe it?). I love my diet, I love this salmon, I love Bridget and Scott. Too much love.

I did not even feel the least bit hurt or outraged by the email last night. I actually wrote him a very calm and full of class reply.

Then he did some back peddling. I guess he did not receive the reaction he expected from me. Which would be? For me to go to pieces, have a fit, get drunk etc. etc. etc.

I went and looked at an apartment book this morning. There is one close to the county line in Fayette Co. which would keep me about 15 minutes from my parents. It does not have a pool but them how often would I use a pool? The other apts. I've had with pools I never used.

Anyway, I am okay with it. I look so forward to being by myself again. Not that he makes me sick or anything like that.(I make him sick, remember?) but I feel like a prisoner in the house. I just feel like I do not belong. Beau was there on Saturday, and I was so relieved that he left before I took a shower. Its just icky. And it is just everything. I was able to ignore or overlook most of Joe's nuttsyisms. I know that I added my own share to the most recent demise. But I just want some privacy! I do not have any...none at all. If I go lock myself in the bed room I feel like I am being anti social or sending some message that I do not want to be around the other people in the room. I can not go upstairs for almost the identical reasons, plus its hot up there, Baby.

I think that Joe is an idiot. And me too, lets not forget I had a handy part in all of this. He does not see the big picture at all. He puts his emotional blinders on and acts accordingly.

I feel that if he did not want to go to Ireland, then he should have talked to me about it. He should have faced the possibility that I would be upset. Does he have to arrange the circumstances that I feel I have to break up with him so he can get out of it...HELLO.

I'm tired of being manipulated. I have realized it for some time now and when I resumed out relationship last June, it was no big deal as I was aware...but when I got drunk several weeks ago and let all the anger and hurt out about finding him with a bimbo screwing her in the bed room the night my Mother had a heart attack. Well Hello Mary, you are an idiot!

Too much to bear at the time. It naturally came out later.

I don't hate him. I love him. He can't help it, as I can't help it. He is screwed up royally. In the head. Now with me leaving his finances are going to be rough.

Oh well. He should have treated me better.

Tuesday, May 11, 2004

I think I am going nuts. I am testing the waters about looking at job opportunities in Florida.

I am so tired I can barely keep my eyes open. I woke up at 2am! Actually I had taken a Pain pill earlier because I could nto sleep. So, then I tossed and turned.

Now I'm a mess. My eyes hurt. My heart hurts. I'm drinking way too much because I am miserable. yet, I say I love Joe, so I ignor it and it had manifested itself...once too much drinking.

Friday, May 07, 2004

The latest in the Scalai assignments for the weekd end is to name your most memorable birthday present.

I can not wear a watch. I have the uncanny ability to stop them with the greatest of ease. I once was caught in a torrential down pour running to my dormitory and destroyed the non-waterproof watch I was wearing. While traveling to San Diego, passing over three time zones, I changed the time on my watch and it never worked again. I lost the most beautiful emerald studded watch at the Horse Park several years ago. It just fell off my wrist . I did not realize it until much later. It goes on and on. I have no idea why I have such an adverse effect on watches? Over the years I have learned to live with it. I cope with not wearing a watch. I also have an uncanny ability to be able to tell time by guessing "Feels like its about 2:30" and astonishing enough, it is!

In 1972 when my Nana died, my mother gave me two of her possessions. One was a set of the prettiest wine cups, the top of the heavy glass stained red. And her 14K gold wrist watch. On the back of the watch is engraved her name "Mary". Nana was called Mollie, but her name was Mary Ann.

I am terrified to wear this watch. And I have never worn it. It is in a special place in my jewerly box. I know that if I ever put it on, well the result will be ugly. So, it is kept hidden away, and to tell the truth, I had forgotten about it.

Until that fateful day that Joe told me his daughter (who was around six at the time) had "borrowed" the watch out of my jewerly box and taken it home. I went nuts. Even though I had not thought of nor seen the watch for what must have been 25 years, I was crazed! The watch had been lost! It had been left at one of her little friends house. I was now crying and in a highly agitated state.

Two months later the watch was found. Joe gave it to me and as I looked at it a funny feeling came over me. I had not seen this watch for years and years. I was dismayed that the watch had one of those stretchy bands and the face looked dirty and.......kind of cheap. It broke my heart to actually think of my Nana having this watch as one of her most precious possessions. I put it into another special secret hiding place that maybe a six year old would not find this time.

When my birthday arrived Joe lavishly presented a small box to me. I ripped it open (jewerly! The best sort of present!) Inside was a 14K gold watch totally refurbished, polished and working.

After the incident, Joe felt so bad that he began looking all over the house for the watch before telling me that his daughter had lost it. He had run across "this" watch in "a secret hiding place" and thinking it couldn't be my Nana's watch.....his daughter had taken Nana's watch....He took it to a jewrley and had it put into working order.

I flipped it over..."Mary". I cried tears of relief, guilt, and something even deeper. I began to think that this act of caring from him was the sweetest and most appreciated show of love I have received from him.

That is my most memorable birthday gift.