Wednesday, May 12, 2004

This new blogger thing is trippy! Maybe I can upload some pictures.

Last night I wrote a very heart wretching entry on my AOL-J jnl. I immediately wished I had not. So I jus deleted it. Anyway, it was pretty good, but too personal.

Joe and I are at it again. Calling it quits. For the third time. He wrote me a very hate filled email about everything he can not stand about me. He can not stand to be around me. I love everything (can you believe it?). I love my diet, I love this salmon, I love Bridget and Scott. Too much love.

I did not even feel the least bit hurt or outraged by the email last night. I actually wrote him a very calm and full of class reply.

Then he did some back peddling. I guess he did not receive the reaction he expected from me. Which would be? For me to go to pieces, have a fit, get drunk etc. etc. etc.

I went and looked at an apartment book this morning. There is one close to the county line in Fayette Co. which would keep me about 15 minutes from my parents. It does not have a pool but them how often would I use a pool? The other apts. I've had with pools I never used.

Anyway, I am okay with it. I look so forward to being by myself again. Not that he makes me sick or anything like that.(I make him sick, remember?) but I feel like a prisoner in the house. I just feel like I do not belong. Beau was there on Saturday, and I was so relieved that he left before I took a shower. Its just icky. And it is just everything. I was able to ignore or overlook most of Joe's nuttsyisms. I know that I added my own share to the most recent demise. But I just want some privacy! I do not have any...none at all. If I go lock myself in the bed room I feel like I am being anti social or sending some message that I do not want to be around the other people in the room. I can not go upstairs for almost the identical reasons, plus its hot up there, Baby.

I think that Joe is an idiot. And me too, lets not forget I had a handy part in all of this. He does not see the big picture at all. He puts his emotional blinders on and acts accordingly.

I feel that if he did not want to go to Ireland, then he should have talked to me about it. He should have faced the possibility that I would be upset. Does he have to arrange the circumstances that I feel I have to break up with him so he can get out of it...HELLO.

I'm tired of being manipulated. I have realized it for some time now and when I resumed out relationship last June, it was no big deal as I was aware...but when I got drunk several weeks ago and let all the anger and hurt out about finding him with a bimbo screwing her in the bed room the night my Mother had a heart attack. Well Hello Mary, you are an idiot!

Too much to bear at the time. It naturally came out later.

I don't hate him. I love him. He can't help it, as I can't help it. He is screwed up royally. In the head. Now with me leaving his finances are going to be rough.

Oh well. He should have treated me better.

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