Thursday, May 20, 2004


I thought that nothing would change by getting married. After all we were together for six years nine months. Will a paper mean much more. Hell yes it does. The differences are vast and many and I discover more each day. How could I be so blind before? How dumb? Well, I just did not know. Everything your mom tells you....LISTEN!!

First, the panic...When I come home and he is in a snit cleaning the house. I am up at 5 am in the morning. I try to wash the dishes if there are any in the sink. I am tired when I come home. I know this is not an excuse for being messy, it is part of my make-up. Its just me. I was not flipped out when he got all over me taking about the adjustments he would have to make because we are so different. Cool!

Second, I understand that he really loves me. I may have known in the past that he loved me, but this is the ultimate expression of telling the world, his family, my family. It is my first, his last. He has been telling his family that.

Third, it just makes me feel like I have been enrolled into the club. Now I am a card carrying member of the secret society.

I am 51 years old. I have never married. I could have, but I balked once when I should have over come my fears. Not of marriage, but fear of walking down as aisle with people looking me. Ridiculous.

Then I was at a place where it was not important to me. At least for a time. When you don't love someone nor feel love...Why long for marriage. Why beat yourself up because you are not part of a couple.

I'm glad it happened. It is only good so far.

Divorce? Never, murder, yes!

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