Wednesday, January 07, 2009

Alphawoman's Do's and Don't for the Job Interview Process

Since I am earnestly in the job hunt mode I have learned a few things the past couple of months that I will share with ya'll.

1) Do not be over 50. If you are over fifty, try to not look it. Do remember botox or collagen treatments. Never underestimate the effect of teeth whitening and hair dying.

2) Do have something that fits. Never wait until the last moment (that morning) to pull out your best suit only to find that you can not button it. And if you somehow are able to button it (by laying on bed and sucking in your gut) that the button does not pop off when you breath.

3) Be sure to begin your job search BEFORE the ECONOMY tanks.

4) Prepare for questions that may be asked during the interview process. Such as, "Who was your best boss and why" that you do not launch into a three minute ramble about Duffy and how he motivated the cocktail waitresses to work harder with a $100 bonus to the one that pushes the most alcohol beverages during a week's time. Once you are in the middle of it you are realize you do not know if your interviewer is a teetotaler whose father died of liver failure plus you have just revealed you were once a cocktail waitress!! When the slight panic settles in you once again begin to ramble about your worst boss being a woman and how you just can't work for a woman! Because at the conclusion of the interview you are informed that you (if you get the job...fat chance) will direct report to a woman.

5) Be prepared to answer the most inane questions. For example, "Where did you go to High School?" ...(WTF??)...and you supply the answer with the name of a Central Kentucky Catholic High School. "What was your primary area of study?"...(WTF? 35 years ago?) so that you do not blurt out some smart ass answer such as "Well, religion naturally!" Also be prepared to list your extracurricular activities, which when I was asked (I swear to God) all I could think of was us driving down those small back roads hurling empty Little King bottles at road signs. Do not snicker or snort when watching the long ago movie play in your head.

6) Try not to be older than the kid interviewing you. (hard to do at my age).

7) Never ever under any circumstances either by body language or facial expression that you consider your interviewer to be of inferior intelligence.

8) Never ever say, "Where are the women around here??"

9) Do have a joke prepared just in case you are asked to tell one! A good one is this..."Two guys are drinking in a bar..." (refer to #4)

10) Do change your shoes before going in for the interview to avoid looking down at your feet and seeing your muddy snow boots and blurting out, "Oh My God" and startling the interviewer.

I have encounter and committed every single one of these do's and don'ts.

That is why I am still unemployed.

12 comments:

Monica said...

I would be LOST if I had to look for a job right now. Sonny had a hard time a year ago and was just grateful to get the job he did - even when it's below what he's made in YEARS.

I had an interviewer ask me in the middle of work related questions what was my favorite movie. HUH!?! I froze and I was told they were looking for someone who was quick on their feet.

I worried if I said 'Grease' I'd be conceived as immature. As a result I was trying to analize several movies before answering - wrong thing to do. ::sigh::

Wishing you the best in finding a good job.

Monica

Monica said...

Okay, don't try to comment when you are half awake ...

analyze not analize! UGH

Shelly said...

A most useful list. I hope I never have to use it. ;)

Lisa :-] said...

One of the "intangible" benefits of owning one's own business (I have been thinking about these a lot, lately, since I have yet to make one farthing off the endeavor in 2 1/2 years...) is that I DO NOT have to worry about any of these things you have listed in this post.

And don't think I don't hear ya on all of them. Especially the part about NOT looking 50. Been there and done that.

Lisa :-] said...

P.S.--This would be a great entry to cross-post at "Women On..." :-]

Cynthia said...

These are some of the reasons it took me six months to find a job.

Beth said...

I hope your interview process begins to flow a little more smoothly, but I certainly appreciated your sense of humor about this!

Good luck!
Beth

Nelle said...

OH how I can relate to this getting my last job at cough53cough. I did decide to cover my gray and honestly Oil of Olay stock went WAY up due to Regnerist and several articles I read about it. I kept getting asked questions about what was the BEST thing I ever did to assist a customer? I had something rehearsed that was true. I had friends give me practice interviews. What I found easiest was going to a job agency, having them screen things for me and they had given my proficiency tests so I felt by that point I had proved that I could still perform, if a bit long in the tooth! Good luck to ya!

pia said...

That is hysterical

20 years ago I was asked where I went to high school. You kinda can't lie about that one even if you have college degrees etc

The interviewer was jealous because his kids went to a school he considered inferior--still made the 100 best high schools in the USA list every year

He told my "head hunter" (I was much more sophisticated them) that I wasn't "blue collar relating" enough. almost called him when I became an SSI Claims Rep in the South Bronx

gigi said...

So that's why I've been unemployable for so very, very long!

Highly illuminating. And entertaining! I'll bet you're actually a great interview. :)

Lisa said...

LOL, I loved your list. Sorry the interview process is so painful for you but I see you haven't lost your sense of humor about it.

actUArial soFTware said...

Thanks for the tips. Here is another one.

Don;t pour coffee all over yourself before the interview. (guilty as charged)