Ah, the bitter sweet advantages of being middle aged.
One of these is the revelation that it is acceptable to go out of the house without make-up, dressed in a non matched outfit, hair a mess because the hotel you were staying in did not have a hair dryer. In other words like you recently escaped from a mental institution and are trying to look inconspicuous. The trick is to hide behind big sunglasses and know exactly what you are going to pick up so you do not have to whip out your eyeglasses (which incidentally you just stepped on, ala Christmas Story, and give new meaning to cock-eyed) and get in and out fast.
This is the persona I presented to the world as I plunged into Walmart after a two hour drive. Looking like a high class derelict will cause people to avert their eyes and give you a wide berth. This is the way I like it when I visit the Walmart closest to my home. This is the busiest Walmart on the face of the earth. It is the most convenient in a 50 mile radius sitting directly off the Interstate. The parking is a nightmare, expect a hike from the lower 40, and exiting is an exercise that would make even the most talented NASCAR driver pale.
I was making great time and was headed towards the check out area when I suddenly was struck with the memory of a pulled pork recipe I had viewed only that morning. Right then and there I decided to make a detour and head to the Meat Department and find a pork butt.
As I was looking over my pork selection and marveling at the diversity of pork butt, out of the corner of my eye I spotted a Meat Department associate loading fresh meat into the display case. In Walmart, where associates will actually run away or mysteriously disappear on break if they suspect you may ask for assistance, this guy asks if I need help. I was caught off guard!
Three recipes ,the abbreviated version of his life story, and five minutes later, he wrapped up with a remedy to cure sleeplessness; one part Mogan David wine, one part ice and one part sprite. Sip, do not gulp. (do I look like a gulper??) Somewhere around minute two I just gave in and went with the moment. The invisible string that was trying to yank me away from this lunatic slackened and I just went with the flow. I was even amused when asked to repeat back the complicated steps of the first recipe. Even as I began to maneuver away, with my pork butt tucked in my cart, and head towards the fresh vegetable section he tried to continue the conversation. It was difficult to breakaway, as he clearly did not recognize the subtleties of retreat.
But if truth be told, even though he was a Looney Toon, it was nice that he saw beyond my Middle Age disguise and recognized the real me.
One hot babe.