Sunday, October 16, 2005
IN SEARCH OF SELF
Yesterday, alone, I went on the journey down Route 24 West away from Ft Wayne. Somewhere between Huntington and Wabash I thought to myself, "Glory Glory Day" which is a prayer of sorts...."Today is going to be a glorious day!" And as I came up a hill...(it was such a pleasure to find hills west of this area).....suddenly there were flowers everywhere. On both sides of the road. Most certainly a labor of love. Or this is where all the wild flowers of this genus originated. Beautiful in sunlight it stretched for at least three miles. Then it was gone.
It was a Glory Day.
For the past two months now I have not been employed. When I gave up the job because I could not take another minute of Portland, Winchester, Lynn, Dunkirk, Redkey, Geneva, Saratoga, Union City, blah blah blah. I should have been reflecting on myself and what I have learned. Did I grow? Did I discover stregnths I was unaware of?
I was miserable after the first couple of weeks. My direction was removed. I was lost without a job to define me and keep me occupied. The weekends are so much better when they are looked forward to. My timing was removed. I became depressed and unimaginative. I have writes block. I dried up. I was not stimulated. I felt like a failure!
Then I found out that I was a great interview. I had about a 50% hiring rate....And I can't say no! Even when I take a job I would not show up! I exposed myself as a real idiot.
I love to spend money and when I was not making money, I continued to spend it, only on a credit card! I have vowed to pay them off in the next several months. We'll see, since my word does not mean much actually.
I am ready to tackle this job and do the best I can do. I have never really tried to do a job well...ever. The Portland job I worked my ass off, but I was ready to bolt home at 4pm...I never gave it the extra that it needed.
I have huge ideas that never take root. Like the two books about shadow boxes I recently purchased. I think I would be good at it...if I would just do it.
Where is the growth? Is it in not being blind to my faults? Is it recogizing them? Is that enough? I'm more than half way through my life and just discovering, no just acknowledging who I really am.
I need a job/career to define myself.