I have a journal in my Bloglines that I rarely access. I allow it to fill up to overflowing!! 137 posts! A journalist, no less. I clicked on her blog yesterday and then linked to another blog that has had me thinking for two days!
The fascinating entry is here.
"........All those moments when they finally did that thing they've always wanted to do and how it made them feel."
I immediately began to run the film titled, "Mary's 2005" looking for that dream I fulfilled. Certainly I did a lot of things this year. I moved from my small home town to a city 300 miles away. I survived a category 4 hurricane. I quit a job, got offered several jobs, then basically got my old job back. I failed. I adjusted. I endured. I stretched myself. And I amazed myself!
The most significant undertaking that I have yearned to do for over 20 years, was to reconnect with my college friend, no my closest college friend who marched into middle age with me (if you call 30 years old middle age) then we had a terrible falling out and had not spoken for 20 years.
I thought about her often. Usually around her birthday, which is close to the first day of Spring. I always think about her at Christmas time, taking the ornaments out of boxes and hanging all her ornaments that I inherited. (We shared apartments for years and years.) I think about her whenever I reminisce about Murray State University, get dreamy about all the years I lived in Louisville, or watch a Louisville game, or go to Louisville. Whenever it is Derby time or Octoberfest, I think about her. When I go to the Chow Wagon or the Cherokee Triangle Art Show, drive by Phoenix Hill, drive down Bardstown Road I see her ghost among all the people.
I tried to find her, track her down many different ways over the years. All led to dead ends.
Then I tried Classmates.com about a year ago! And there she was!!! I signed up for the Gold Membership with great hope. It seemed such a perfect plan! I was so psyched and so excited and practically giddy with anticipation.
And it bombed. Nothing.
I felt maybe that she had not forgiven me after all these years. The evil words that I had spoken were still a great wall between us. The things that best friends put each other through at times were too monumental for her to allow to flow under the bridge.
Yet, I decided to give it another try after having several nights of vivid dreams about Murray. Around Thanksgiving I gave it another shot. So what if I get my feelings hurt again! Damn it, I'll just try again later!
This time she answered.
How did it make me feel? I cried for joy. I have never actually cried from joy before. The feeling was like fireworks going off. Fireworks of exultation!
When you love someone you carry them around forever in your heart.
The cracks in my heart, and there are many, one of them is healing now.
And that is the thing I have wished for. For 20 years.