Monday, November 13, 2006

Fat don't Fly

Sitting around the family table after the satisfying group effort Birthday meal for my Dad, I was listening to my two sisters discussing a forthcoming ski trip to Salt Lake City.

They were tossing back and forth the various pro's and con's of Utah vrs Colorado. I was only half paying attention, stuffed full of mashed potatoes and grilled chicken. Adrift in the warm feeling that accompanies being satisfied and among those you love the most in the world.

Through this blanket of contentment I thought I heard my sister Omega say to me, "Why don't you come along too?"

I immediately had a flash back to several years ago when I signed up for some elementary beginning ski lessons at Paoli Peaks.

It was all bad.

I had dressed as if I were heading to the Artic. Granted it was very cold, in single digits, so my outfit was warranted. I had bought ski pants, ski socks and ski gloves. I had on long underwear and blue jeans under the pants. I was layered with long sleeved t-shirt, blouse, my wool Irish Fisherman sweater and topped off with a wind-weather-water proof jacket. I was not going to get cold.

In short time, the sweat was pouring off of me.

First off, I put those boots on and stood up and.....could not walk! How the hell are you suppose to walk in these things!! I watched some little kid do this spastic kind of shuffle and I did the same. I did it as long as I could to avoid putting on the skis.

Eventuality I had to.

Our instructor made us walk up the hill sideways. He made us fall down on the frozen snow to teach up to get ourselves up. He took our poles away!! He made us hold on to a rope and haul our asses up to the top of the bunny hill. Then, we skied down. Or tried to, with the tips of our skis pointed towards each other to learn speed control.

Mine kept crossing each other and I could not stop once I reached the bottom of the hill, The instructor had to catch me every time.

I was sweating a river under all those clothes due to the relentless and unforgiving physical activity.

When were finally given our poles, I flung myself down the hill with my two weapons flaying around like windmills as I screamed with terror and exhilaration.

They were taken away from me again.

I finally fell down and hyper-extended my thumb. (It took forever to heal).

When I finished my time travel back in time,I was looking at my sister with an expression that registered somewhere between, "Do you want to kill me" and "You must be kidding".

I finally answered, "Fat don't fly".

"Not Ski Jump, you big baby!........."

She painted a cozier picture than what I experienced at Paoli. She will not ski either because she can't (hmmmmmmmm, knees?) but she is going to read a lot, hang our at the bars and learn to ice skate, go swimming every night and chill out in the hot tubs.

I'm tempted.


Cynthia said...

Now, that last paragraph sounds like something I could handle, well maybe not the iceskating part, but the rest sounds wonderful. The rest of your post just confirmed everything I've ever felt would happen to me if I tried skiing.

Lisa :-] said...

Twenty years ago I thought I was too old to learn to ski. After reading this I'm sure they'd have to cart me off to the hospital within the first fifteen minutes.

However, your sister's take on the "ski vacation" sounds like something I've always wanted to try...

Anonymous said...

I hate skiing! but ski lodge without skiing sounds brilliant! Enjoy, if you go!

Barb said...

Thank you for the BIG laugh! "With you" not "at you"..

Tongue in Cheek Antiques said...

What a funny story, even though it is not funny. You have a good way with words!!

LightYears2Venus said...

A few days ago I found myself staring at a magazine ad showing a woman defying gravity on a ski slope and idly pondering people who do things with their bodies in a galaxy far, far away from mine, wondering if I had been missing out on something all these years. Thank you, thank you!

Velcro said...

Ahhh... I totally can't wait for my annual Ski Trip.

Found you on Random Blogger.

Nelle said...

I always wanted to try skiing but never did....I am excellent at enjoying hot tubs though, especially when it's snowing out and I am sipping champagne and nibbling on strawberries. That is my kind of getaway!

Anonymous said...

Hi Mary
This is my second attempt to leave a comment as I have created and account so that I could leave a comment. mark

Anonymous said...

When I was young I did a lot of ice skating in N. Illinois. You skiing adventure was humorous and to be expected. A little more time and you will catch on. I hope you get to make the trip. Wishing you and your family a good Thanksgiving. mark

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Tina said...

Does this ever sound familiar. I had the same experience when we moved to Colorado and I thought that it was required to be able to ski. The boots were so tight my legs went numb, and I kid you not, it took two days to get the feeling back. And the first time off the lift, I ran into a guy and knocked him down ... he was thrilled, I'm sure. This time around, it's a good book and a peppermint Schnapps in the lodge. If you can get away with doing that, I'd go.

Anonymous said...

Sonny has attempted to teach me - unsuccessfully to ski. Those boots! The lack of control, the fear and more fear. No thanks. However the last paragraph that would tempt me! Hope you go and enjoy, just keep the poles and skis far away.