Saturday, January 22, 2005


ADDICTED TO LOVE (part five)

The distance between town I lived in and the city I attended High School could be measured in more than just miles. They were two different worlds. My home town being a farm community, and the city....well, Lexington is the cultural center for the central and eastern parts of the state. The kids I went to High School with were mutually exclusive from the kids in my home town. That is just the way it was back then. Before Ma Bell broke up a call to Lexington, 10 miles away, was long distance. I had a foot firmly planted in both worlds.

When school began again, I became absorbed in High School again. The Dog was graduated, we were beginning to have wheels under us, we were upper classmen! This year in school things drastically changed for me. I can't tell you why, maybe it had something to do with me picking up the bad habit of smoking cigarettes. The art of smoking cigarettes without getting caught was great sport.

I found myself absorbed into a totally different crowd! The cool kids!

I was not cool. I hung around with the cool kids, but I was not cool. I had pretty low esteem regarding my looks. I was very self conscious by the fact that my left front tooth was broken and a dubious cap was in place waiting for my teeth to be "mature" enough to have a permanent replacement. I had suffered this ego destroying condition since I was 12. I felt I was unattractive for many reasons, the main one being I had no boy friend and it seemed everyone else did! I felt undesirable, unlovable and that the situation would never ever change, as long as I lived.

So many girls, myself included, allowed others to define their self worth. In high school, those "others" usually were immature males and insecure young women. I wanted to look like the models we poured over in magazines, and since I did not in any way resemble them, I felt something was lacking in me.

Look at me! Aren't I hideous?

I needed a good smack to the head back then!

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