Tuesday, January 04, 2005


You marry someone knowing things about them but not facing those things. You marry someone because you love them. You manage to convince yourself that you are marrying them because you love them. It has nothing to do with lonliness, or being afraid. And then, your are stuck with it.

My new year resolution was to make a wish list for 2005 and then go after it! At the top of the list was to BE GOOD TO MYSELF. I firmly believe that everything else I want (for everyone) will fall into place if I learn to love myself. I know it sounds so 1970, but I think there was something to it. If I forgive myself, forgive myself for taking the wrong turns, making the wrong decisions, loving the wrong people, wanting the wrong things for the wrong reasons, forgive myself for all the mistakes, all the stupidity..........then maybe I can get unstuck.

Joe has got to change or I have to change. He acts like a child at times and I am no better with my reaction. I guess if someone has to be the adult, it is me. He has problems that astound me. Unfortunately I react from my gut. I react with all the unforgiving I have about myself. I still kick myself for allowing myself to fall in love, be crazy about someone who is a NUT CASE. But then, I always have.

Fog over the Ohio on Saturday. It was beautiful in a ghoulish way. Like life.

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