Show a part of your nature that you feel you have lost? Would you be able to get it back? Would it be worth it?
The day before yesterday I was discussing my imminent departure from Elvis World with one of the other associates. Now I have know this guy for only nine months and we joke and he carries on something crazy. He is fun and always full of vim and vigor. I was explaining my decision to leave based on how I felt about being duped about the job being mine SINCE I HAD DONE THE JOB FOR FOUR MONTHS LAST SUMMER!!
He said, "You sound kind of angry" and I said, "I am bitter and beyond disappointed so it's time to go"
And then he said, "I thought you were above that sort of thing, all nice and sweet."
Well, I'm not.
Today I was red penciling a memo the Woman behind the Curtain sent out and under her name/signature I wrote "Needs business writing classes" I put it back into the counter guide book thinking that someone who found it would think me witty and funny. But I took it out, ripped it up and threw it away.
I use to be all "nice and above that sort of thing". I use to be a very sweet girl. A true sweetie perhaps. And in many ways I am still very compassionate and caring. But sweet and nice, I am not really like that anymore.
I am not going to write the great confession here nor air dirty laundry. But I know in my heart of hearts that something has broken inside of me long ago. It piled up bit by bit, disappointment by disappointment, realization by realization, defeat by defeat until I was just someone different than who I was in my teens and early 20's.
When I was a kid we were not allowed to express anger. It got you a good pop in the head and sent to your room without supper. I am certain that is when I learned how to make faces to hold it in. When it would come to a head and I was compelled to express displeasure I would break out in a panic attack/ nervous break down sort of mood and clam up. Needless to say I was walked over a lot.
Until one day I had had enough and was not going to take it any longer and exploded on a fellow co-worker who had just screwed me out of a full commission by weaseling in on the tail end. I asked him to step out side and I let him have it. I even had my finger in his face and if I remember correctly it went something like this, "If you ever do anything like that to me again I will stick a fork in your eye!"
The world did not come to an end. The earth did not break in half and swallow me. A bolt of lightning did not streak down out of the sky and strike me, a vehicle did not careen off New Circle Road and mow me down, I did not drop dead from a brain aneurism. And it felt good.
Boy oh boy did it ever.
But I really lost something that day. I lost the monster in the cage that I had under control, thanks to my parents and the Saintly Sisters of all those Catholic Schools.
Would I want to go back to just sucking it up, being kicked around by those who will do that sort of thing, do I want to just be pleasant all the time and appear like a Saint myself?
I honestly don't know.
I just wish at times the monster would think a little more clearly and not blow such dragon like fire at anyone in the cross hair's.
But I'm Irish and have a temper!! How could I turn my back on my Irishness.