Wednesday, December 01, 2004


Tonight is the first night of the rest of my life......some old saying like that. Actually, it is the beginning of life with Zorro in Newport and me here. And last night was intense. Somewhere it went wrong, don't know what I did. I am always doing something wrong, like eons ago, and I think I handled it okay. I did not call him and demand to know what was eating at him, why he ignored me two times, why he did not come in and say goodnight to me or goodbye. But I didn't. I called him as usual in the morning and things seemed okay. He sounded upset around the edges. B. had written him a letter about him leaving and he was choked up. He mentioned how bigger she seemed since he had last seen her (five days and I mentioned that she was growing very quickly and that he failed to even see she had boobies now! "I have you to always point that out to me." he snarled.

My word. Transference anyone. We talk about the anger his two older children have and how they direct it at me because where else can they find such an easy target. He does not understand that it is genetic and it is from him. I tell myself that he is a little nuts, but then so am I for staying with it.

I love this guy......and I realize I have to live with that. I had accepted the fact that he is far from perfect, has numerous flaws and many that I had to come t terms with to cope. Like B. He loves her, she is the apple of his eye. I can not stand her, but for him I keep that hidden away. I forgave him his indiscretion and beyond. Way beyond. Yet, sometimes I feel that he finds me so lacking in so many ways.

Well, he is no Christmas present. I refuse to go throughout the litany of his past crimes.

I hope that he realizes that he is putting us in a position that if he decides to make Newport his residence and shun our little house, then the only time we will have together will be in the presence of the Satan child?

Drama, people. He has whipped up this life for himself and I am sucked in. Why does this man have nothing? Why does a 51 year old man have approximately 8 more years of hefty child support payments?

I'm pissed off at the ass right now.

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