Wednesday, September 07, 2005

Early Morning Blues
I was awake before 4am. Laying in bed wide awake listening to the muted sounds of the tv in the living room. The hum of the window fan that I must have to provide the white noise that lulls me, soothes me to sleep. Thoughts filling my head, screaming at me, making sleep impossible. Find a job! Why did you quit your job? You will never find another job! You're lazy. You're screwed up. No one will hire you because you are too old. Too fat. Too ugly. Too dumb.

I have not felt this way in a long time. So much in anguish about something as simple as employment! I have worked all my life and I will work again. I may not make the $40 G's and have a car complete with gas card and a $10 grand bonus, but I will work again.

I wish I could have done better on the job in Portland. I hated it.

I just need a plan. I have the beginnings of one. I should go to Walmart and just fill out an application. You never know. What does it matter if I have to work weeks ends. Joe works weekends?

For many years I have been able to breeze. Now I am ready to fall back on Walmart? Hell, what would it do to me if they won't hire me! I am unable to open my mind to the possibilities that are hanging out there for me. The opportunity this presents to me. A chance to do something that will......make me feel good about myself!

It has been awhile, hasn't it.

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