ADDICTED TO LOVE (part XIV)
How to describe a broken heart? I was certain no one ever had one broken as badly as mine. I was inconsolable, withdrawn, and cried all the time...In the shower, brushing my teeth , driving the car, peeling an apple. I could not sleep, the pain was so over powering it denied me the escape into dream land. No one ever suffered as I did. It transcended the heart, and made my whole being ache.
It could not continue forever. It would have killed me. I could have very easily died of a broken heart. Eventually I came out of it....A little.
Little enough to continue with life, even though I knew the excitement and sweetness of life was gone forever.
One of my childhood friends had moved back home also. She was divorcing her husband (it was a shot gun wedding) and returning home with a one year old. We rented an apartment in Lexington and tried to figure out how to support ourselves.
And we decided to become cocktail waitresses! (That is another entire "series" in itself)and life began to gain some of the luster and shine that it had lost for many months.
Then we began to hit the Disco Bars on our days off.
My heart was on the mend and I was dancing...dancing...dancing!
There were many very nice men that I met. Really, I know that sounds odd, hanging out and working in bars,but it is the truth. I dated a very nice muscian, Jim, who had played electric bass in a jazz band at night, did art framing by day. He was too nice for me.
Because even though my heart was on the mend, I had not yet the understanding that I had to forgive myself for my screwing up. No, the good Catholic girl had not been granted the redemption she sought, so the punishment must continue.
Bring me a man who was responsible, had gainful employment, fairly level headed and I scoffed! Not "bad" enough for me. I needed danger!
And I found him! Oh boy did I find him!
Out of all the wonderful, delightful men I could have had some chance of a future with...I choose the most surly of them all. And ironic as life always tends to be, he is the only one I still have lots and lots of communication with.