I returned home.
I was inconsolable, withdrawn, and cried all the time.....in the shower, brushing my teeth , driving the car, peeling an apple. I could not sleep, the pain was so over powering it denied me escape into dream land. No one ever suffered as severely as I. It transcended the heart, and made my whole being ache.
It could not continue forever. It would have killed me. I could very easily have died of a broken heart. Eventually I came out of it....a little. Enough to continue with life, even though I felt the excitement, the pleasure and sweetness of living was gone forever.
One of my childhood friends had moved home also. She and her husband were divorcing (it was a shot gun wedding) and returning with a one year old child. We rented an apartment in Lexington and tried to figure out how to support ourselves.
And we decided to become cocktail waitresses! (That is another entire "series" in itself) and life began to gain some of the luster and shine that it had lost for many months.
Then we began to go the Disco Bars. Greenstreets, the Library ,and Stingle's were our main spots to shake our groove things. But the most fun, the biggest disco palace with its pink marble and brass bar, the mirrored wall, the minimal seating (all dancing) and the rolling fog....was Johnny Angels! Then the after hour club, The Circus! Desperate dancing, rolling smoke from the cigarettes, and BYOB, We danced and danced and danced. Maybe I danced my heart back to health..
Though my heart was on the mend, I had not yet reached the understanding that I needed to forgive myself. No, the good Catholic girl had not been granted the redemption she sought, so the punishment must continue.
Bring me a man who was nice, clean cut, responsible, gainfully employed, fairly level headed and I scoffed! Not "bad" enough for me. I needed danger! I needed risky, hot, formidable, deadly.
And I found him! Oh boy did I find him!
Out of all the wonderful, delightful men that I could have formed some shot at .of a normal future with...I choose the most menacing of them all. As life seems to always have a twisted sense of humor he is the only one I still see and talk to often.