OUT OF MY ELEMENT

I attended a luncheon today with one of my coworkers. We are the major sponsor of a Steeplechase held at the Horse Park in the spring. If anyone knows something about horses then you know it ain't cheap! (Horse racing is not called the Sport of Kings for nothing).

The luncheon was held at the University of Kentucky's private country club. We were seated in the library. A cavernous room with a domed ceiling crossed from North to South, East to West with carved wooden beams. A gigantic chandelier cascaded light on us. The four walls were from floor to ceiling glowing polished wood bookcases filled fashionably with first editions Hemmingways and Fitzgeralds (I kid you not!) Four windows graced the outer walls that the top quarter was covered with a carved lattice of inticite wood design. A fireplace stood unlit but still demanding attention, drawing your eye to the eight foot portrait of the former landowner, certainly long gone, in a casual standing poise that will last for eternity.

Something about the surroundings made me feel I was somehow transported into Bizarro World. I went through the motions of being nice, attentive, and a very good listener. The rich are so different from us.....from me. The conversations naturally were about horses, racing, buying horses, traveling for the horse industry, and all that jazz. Fasinating. The former gentry. Three generations removed?

My favorite antidote. A man wanted to buy a horse and asked for some advice regarding how much to spend. This particular person suggested they take a drive. As they were driving around he instructed the person to roll the window down and toss out a $100 bill. "Did that hurt?" he asked.

"No."

"Good, now toss out $50,000..........did that hurt!"

"Hell yes!"

"Now you know how to gage how much to spend".

As I said, fasinating.

This is my family...almost.

Krissy asked for Thanksgiving pictures. I had to wait until today as it is our custom to celebrate together as a family after Thanksgiving Day. That way, no one has to choose between families etc.

I can not believe that I left out my Mom!!!! I went throught all the photos and she was only in one, which was too blurry to use! And one of my brothers and his wife are also missing! Horrors! I thought I caught everyone on digital.

Bridget and S. were unable to be with us, so they are included from Friday night outing in Louisville we attended called Light Up Louisville. Another brother is in NYC. He will be home for Christmas. And my step daughter is with her mother in another state. We miss her.

Otherwise, there we are! My fathers sister, all my brother(s) and sisters, SIL and BIL's....nephews and two nieces. One nephew took a spill on the ice learning how to skate. (really, someone should turn my sister in, lol).
This is what I am most thankful for. Everyone I love in one room, eating way too much and laughing at my mother inviting over the parish priest then offering him dessert....""Father, would you like a slice of 'Better than sex' cake?" "Well, if it is the only way I am going to get it...yes!"

Hilarious.

And my father having another Thanksgiving among us. That alone is what I am most thankful for.

Turkey Trot in Louisville


I got up around 330am yesterday morning in anticipation of the rush to Louisville. Actually I misread my clock (old over the hill eyeballs) and it was not until I noticed the clock on the computer read 401 am I realized my error.

I was up, I had a pot of coffee in me, Zorro arrived home and off we went. It was chilly so I had four layers on top, two on the bottom. I had my trusty small point and shoot digital that fits snugly in my pocket, hence the great picture of me, Zorro and my brother Ned. My sis Kit took the picture and is in another. The run was uneventful, meaning I was at the back of the pack...Curses all you runners who practice before a 10K...WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM! It was okay, a few snow flakes. I stripped my upper tow layers pretty quickly. Zorro ran with me the entire way, even though I was slow and at times my walking was definitely faster than my laborious running, we finished in about 1hr 10 minutes.

This will become our Thanksgiving Day Tradition. It was great to run, if not literally, with my siblings. Zorro and I came home, laid around the living room watching American Choppers (love those nutty men) and Dinner for Five all afternoon.

Hot Brown for dinner and by the time Survivor rolled around, I could not keep my eyes open!

Newport News


It's not Atlanta, it's not Chicago, it's..............Cincinnati! The past fortnight, since returning from Knoxville, has been a whirlwind of hurling objects, heated conversations, clashing cultures,
tears, resolution and preparation. It has been decided that we find a cheap apartment around the Cincinnati area for Zorro and take six months for the dust to settle. As luck would have it, the very first apartment he looked at was on the Levy on the Kentucky side of the Ohio River, within a rocks throw of the Aquarium! As you can see from the photograph, we can watch the Bengals on the left and the Reds on the left......with a very good pair of binoculars.

I think that if you just have faith in things working out for the best they usually do. You have a choice to be upset or to ride the wave with a smile. You land at the same spot.

Happy Thanksgiving to everyone.

THE HORSE FINISHES LAST

How I wish they gave away money for the pick three of last finishers. That way, Zorro and I would have walked out of Churchill Downs with some money in our pockers, rather than leaving it. Did not bet much, only $2 per race. And so asinine as $2 show bets. Yet, it was fun. Churchill is like the working mans horse track compared to Keeneland which is upper crust, the hoity toity, the grand of the grand. Churchill is for the unwashed. The paddock is pitiful compared to Keeneland.

We went to Shenanigans to eat. So I blew my diet. We visited Bridget and Scott. My heart breaks for those two. Now the car has broken down! I will travel back up there tonight and trade two bikes and a guitar and come home with the new Dr. Pepper bike. Zorro wants it...Bridget is beginning to see the error of her offer to trade us! Laugh out loud! Zorro tells me to be strong....

On the way to Louisville Bailey began playing a game with Zorro identifying letters of the alphabet. For some inexplicable reason, she say "Alphawoman, I don't know where I heard that before". I gripped the steering wheel and kept my mouth shut. I wonder....I just wonder if Danielle is reading my journal! I knew to keep it under wraps there.

Never can be too careful about these things in cyberspace.

TRAINY SORT OF DAY


Somedays are just meant for rambling. It is overcast. I am alone in the house and should have several hours of solitude. I have the SAW DOCTORS on the stereo. I have it turned up full blast for the Live album....The music is relatively unknown in the States and semi difficult to find. I love it. I could put on "HAY WRAP" and listen to it all day long. It lifts my spirits.

I hope that it works out that we go to Ireland this spring. I will go with either Kitty of Peggy. Peggy will corrupt me, I will corrupt Kitty. Either one, hopfully both will be a second trip made in heaven. I will go alone or with Bridget. Now that would be something.

My bonus looks good. Public transportation and Bridget......plan B.

Young Innocent 1967


I'm on the right!

THE BIBLE

My first grown-up journal. No longer just a diary, but a journal. The first entry dated, August 8, 1968 begins...We have left Washington DC today. At this moment we are traveling homeward......And so it began with those few simple words.

The first Bible survives only because I was not sexually active and therefore no entries about the trials and tribulations of teenage sexual agnst. And I burnt all the others. This one was innocent. Both the person who was writing it and the content.

Filled with newspaper clippings, school photographs, saved notes, old conduct cards, gum wrappers, LCH Activity passes, movie tickets, stolen photos from the year book stash of Jan S., the second love of my life (after Kit H. who also happens to have a picture of him standing by the side of the swimming pool trying to teach me to dive) and the Cafe Wha experience. The young woman child that I was fascinates me.

REEDS INSANITY

REEDS ORCHARD AND INSANE BEHAVIOR

I found myself turning onto the twisty, curvy, narrow country road that leads to Reeds Orchard. Nestled two miles off the main highway then down another half mile or so of gravel and pot holes you come upon this gentle oasis of pumpkins and apples.

I did not need to be there, having already a peck of apples sitting at home waiting to be turned into apple pies and caramel apples...........Wait! What am I saying !!! I am on a diet! And while I tell you that, toss in that jar of pumpkin butter on my order. Resist temptation? HA! Throw in another peck of those delicious apples I got the last time....What are they called? Oh who cares! They are delicious! What's this? Pepper jelly! On Cream Cheese with those special crackers. Yummy! Apple cider...YES YES YES.

As I was leaving, she rushed out the door to make sure I took one of the radiant pumpkins with me.....Pumpkin Pie...............

MANIC BEHAVIOR

Would you consider it manic or would you consider it compulsive. Zorro handed me something he took off the internet and it said, "Hobby or obsession?" Funny, sad but true.

I tried to find a place to sit down and write in my regular BIBLE...which is the name I gave my personal handwritten journal back in 1967 when I began to keep one. Got the name from the book, THE WORLD OF HENRY ORIENT. It was the notebook of newpaper clippings, love poems, drawings etc. that they ( the 14 year old Val and her side kick whoes name I can not remember, Val was who I related to!) had collected and/or written about Henry Orient. I loved that book, first found at the used book store called "Dennis' Bookstore". I think I may have gone through several copies before totally misplacing it! I had been trying to hunt it down on the internet for years, losing out on first editions (1958) and other opportunities. Then it was reissued! Who knew it had legs! I had the local Bookstore, Joseph-Beth special order it for me. Guess what, no longer available! Drat! Then I finally, on a fluke found it on line again and ordered it. Got a beautiful small copy. I did not realize it was considered a "juvenile" book. Hello! Did you all see the movie with Peter Sellers and Shelly Winters? Well I did, and and it is about infidelity, 14 year old lust for men old enough to be their fathers amoung other sdult themes! They must have been through off by the main characters being all of 14.

Just like the time I found A CHILD'S GARDEN OF GRASS in the childrens section of the Book Cellar at the main public library. "This does not belong here!" I quickly purchased it, remembering all the wonderful hours we spent all smoked up laughing at the silly LP we had at Murray State University.

I just went through the out line, or the inspiration for at the least three more entries.

I am in a manic mood for days now!

DOVETAIL

I was hoping that things would calm down quickly once the uncertainly was resolved. And it has. Zorro will go up to Newport and pay the deposit and hand over the signed papers and the small apartment across from the aquarium with a running track beginning in the back yard, sitting on the levee, within bike riding distance to the yard office....It is all falling into place.

I will like having a place right outside Cincinnati. That city is a bonafide big city, much like Louisville. A tad more northern while Louisville is southern in location, but Midwesterner in a lot of it tendencies. I will like the change. And I will adjust. I will be spending a lot more time with Belsaba...quite sure that is not the correct spelling, but have decided not to use her real name in here.

More later.

THANK GOD THAT'S (almost) OVER

What a cruddy week end, as all the past three weekends have been. If this fighting and bickering does not stop, I'll pull my hair out. Better yet, I'll pull his hair out. I hope it is dovetailing into some resolution. I effectively talked him out of buying a home/house in Northern Kentucky. My stomach was in knots today, and a feeling of dread engulfed me all day. He was going to look at a house on the market for $15,000. It use to be a restaurant...A what? He (the realtor) thought that if Zorro offered him $12 it would be his. I was miserable all day, trying to shake off the feeling of doom. Can you buy an outhouse for that? I think not. I envisoned me cleaning out our savings, cashing in my IBM stock and having a crappy house I would not even want to set foot it.

Anyway, I brought him around that our only solution is for him to rent...for at least six months. After all, his work requires him to be up there for four days! He was so mean...like this is all my fault! He told me that he may take Bailey up there for weekends. Inside I'm cringing with the symbolic slap in the face......

I should know better. He is going to be so lonely. Why would we want to be in Cint when everything, everyone is here in Lexington? He should feel better now knowing he will have somewhere to stay. Spending over $400 a month because he will not drive it back and forth daily. This weekend I called him the most selfish and self centered person on the face of the earth (lot of drama) and I will live to pay for that. But he is, now we are going to have a long distance relationship.

I think I will enjoy it for awhile. It will be heaven not to have Bailey around every moment of the weekends. Because he will work on Sat. nights now, he will have to take her back and head back to No. Kentucky ....yippee!!!! Why I dislike that child so much I will never know. Life would be so much easier for Zorro and myself if she were different. But, she is demanding, obnoxious, loud and irritating.

On a good note, my eye has stopped twitching!!!

BEFORE

BEFORE.....

There they were, a pack of old negatives with my handwriting of 30 years prior.....AROUND AND ABOUT MURRAY on the envelope. I took them to the photo developing service I use and asked to have them reprinted and put on a disc. Alas, the disc did not happen, and the reprints of 30 year old 120 film is pretty bad, but all in all I am on a magic carpet ride back in time looking at the finished product. The names of the guilty leap immediately to my lips. I say them out loud and enjoy the texture of each as they breathlessly become sounds in the air around me.

I have not changed much. I still have those puffy eyes, though from lack of sleep and not smoking dope.

This is spring 1975. Before I ditched school and headed to Arizona for three weeks with J.

Before I feel in love.
Before I lost that love.
Before I was a mother.
Before my car accident.
Before my having my child.
Before I was betrayed.
Before I realized my dreams were unreachable.
Before I realized my dreams were reachable.
Before I learned to dream and dream and dream in living color.

Duffy on Duffy

OUT WITH THE OLD IN WITH THE NEW

We headed towards Gatlinburg Wednesday afternoon. It is about 45 minutes from K-town and on a bright sunny day it was a joy to head towards the Smoky Mountains. We had been in Gatlinburg in 2001 and had a wonderful time. One of the places we visited was a bar that was situated behind the main drag of stores. Zorro and I stumbled upon it on our last visit. We were intrigued by the bartender, a randy looking dude, a dead ringer for George Carlin. His charm was his crustiness and his surly manner. There was the air that it was an honor to have him wait on us. He treated us with playful disdain. We drank a beer, Zorro discovering the value of a bach beer...ShinerBach to be exact. We watched tv as 911 had just occurred. That is the reason Zorro and I were in the Smokies, having cancelled our trip to Florida due to the planes being grounded.

We left the bar and wandered around Gatlinburg. Have I mentioned that it is the biggest tourist trap in the South? Unbelievable, but fun. I love the salt water taffy and the Mountain Winery. Zorro loves the outlet shopping and the Smoky Mountain Brewery!

Not finding another bar (since anyone who reads Alphawoman knows that Zorro and I always do the pub tour!) we headed back into the small hidden bar. Walking through the door into the dark comfort of the pub the bartender greeted us with a, "Oh no!! Not you two again!" We loved it! We knew we were accepted!

So this trip to Gatlinburg we searched for the tucked away pub, not remembering the name but looking forward to being insulted by George Carlin. I saw beer signs glowing the alluring temptation to come inside. Thinking we had found it, I poked my head in.

"Come on in!" A gentleman coaxed me.

"I'm looking for a bar."

"This is a bar."

I looked around the restaurant, which was empty save for the couple in a booth against the wall, and a young long haired kid reading a magazine behind them, the small grouping of tables in the middle of the room, every inch of the walls covered by artwork and I replied.

"This place had a bartender."

"I have a bartender." He said waving his hand towards the gentleman reading the magazine who then looked up, becoming interested in the conversation.

"This place was called Smilies or something like that."

"My bartender can smile." At this point the "bartender" stood up and began to smile. I was one upped on that retort and the bartender was very cute. Zorro began to push me inside the dark and comfortable hole in the wall.

The couple in the booth began to add to the conversation. "You are talking about Cactus Petes, he closed several years ago." Oh heck!

Duffy was entertaining enough and talked nonstop the entire time we were in there. When I go to a bar, I want a bar to lean up against, I want liquor bottles to reflected my mood, I want to feel like I have entered the hallowed halls of booze. Duffy's was not this. It is something else entirely. After I finished pouting about the demise of Cactus Petes, I enjoyed myself.

But, I would rather be insulted. Such is life, nothing ever waits for you, does it?

Knoxville Founders

KNOXVILLE: Where the Devil is among Friends. Part II

I began the morning by finding my way downtown. I traveled along the River and landed on the outskirts where the University of Tennessee begins. A little further on I cruised through downtown and found my way to a parking lot where I felt safe enough to leave the vehicle unattended and unpaid for. The Art Museum was directly across the street, but alas, did not open until noon. It was a little past nine.

I began walking. I immediately walked into The Worlds Fair Park and stood under the Sunglobe that shines its golden pseudo sun sparkle on the city. The city itself was totally without any one walking! I found my way to the River side and a marina walk way. I only encountered one lady pushing a baby carriage and a long grey bearded man wheeling a bicycle on the pathway. The woman was dressed in a fur lined suede coat. That made me smile, as it was in the high 40's at least! Southerners!

I came up out of the River walk and found the fort that James White first built on a bluff overlooking the valley below, now a criss cross of interstates, and the River towards the East. The fort itself seemed so old. The wood from the surrounding forests and erected in 1786. The trunks of the trees whittled to sharp points on the top to discourage the Indians from entering the homestead.

I enjoyed the venture into downtown, past the courthouse and into some sort of Mall area. It was being decorated for Christmas. A small sampling of the local inhabitants were milling and venturing outdoors now that the sun was higher in the sky and the day was warming to a sultry 50+.

I found myself taking photograph after photograph and thoroughly enjoying the day away from work, away from cares, away from Lexington.

KNOXVILLE: City where the Devil is among friends.

Normally I would say what a great town (city) K-town is. And it was. I am just under a cloud of doubt about the future. Where we will be and if I am okay with it. I hoped it would be Chicago. I know in my heart it would be cruel and unwarranted punishment to make Zorro move to Chicago, or even push the issue.

I could explain to him that Bailey will be 10 years old in a few weeks. In a few years she will be 12. Around that time she will have her friends and being with Dad will be a crap. Unless she is one of this weird children who clings to the opportunity that having a Dad/boyfriend offers? God, help me.

What I think is unimportant. She is very young and needs her Dad. I think Chicago is too far away. He may see or get her once a month, and not the every week-end he gets now. He did let me stomp down Danville. There is no discussion, we will move.

So, the promise that K-town offered was short lived. He was just going through the motions...for me?

RAMBLING PROSE

Thought I would give an update on all that is going on around here. The new Alzheimer's medication my Dad is taking is working a small miracle. Saturday night the whole family was celebrating his 85th birthday, standing around the table, with the birthday cake in front of him singing "Happy Birthday" at the top of our out of tune lungs. He looked around at us and on the last line sang "Happy Birthday to ME!" I almost began crying. Despite the hearing problem, he now will communicate with you in a strong voice rather than the vague facial expressions of late. It is remarkable the strides they are making in treating dementia.

Zorro and I are going to Knoxville this afternoon for two days to enable him to take the required tests for placement in several positions that may be open to him. I think Atlanta is out, but several other options have presented themselves. Chicago being one of them. I am taking a wait and see position, as I have no idea where we will end up! It is like being on an out of control bus careening down a mountainside! Zorro seems to forget that I have to adjust my career and life too, but (sigh)..........

Finally!!!!!!!! At the birthday party my two sisters, Omega and Mid-Sis made semi-commitments to go to IRELAND in March! We have causally been taking about this for several months. I'm there. I am thrilled!

Zorro and I began running again, hoping to be able to run in the Turkey Trot in Louisville on Thanksgiving Day. 10K. I am laughing hysterically. I know I can do it, but it won't be pretty.

DON'T BOGART THAT JOINT, MY FRIEND

JULY 1974

I have to get my chops going, my juices flowing. I think I will start this jaunt back in time with the summer of love. I moved into my first apartment with a girl from Detroit, transplanted into Murray, married and divorced, all in three years! Her mother had a house on 4th street that was divided into two apartments. Toni and I shared the right side. I was in love with J.V. who was ten years older than me, an alcoholic, divorced and facing time in the local jail for transporting some type of drugs. It escapes me, but I believe it was speed or it could have been mescaline! Whatever it was, he was convicted and was in the county jail doing his time and I was sharing an apartment with Toni having the time of my life.

This picture is the gang of us in Memphis at an Eric Clapton concert. I have some memory of it...hahahahah. It was the day of, the day before, perhaps the day after Nixon left the White house.

We were young and had more important things to think about, like don't Bogart that joint my friend.

PARADISE

MAY 1975

I began to have an online journal to enable myself to write about my favorite subject...ME! I have somehow become lost along the way, not only writing for me, but writing for those who read me. And I lost the true intent of self-examination with words and memories.

The picture above I found in a box of old photo's. On the back it says, John - Paradise.

Actually it was the Grand Canyon (I think!). We went to Arizona on a drug run. I went for the adventure and fell in love with John along the way. We made love for the first time the night before we left for the Grand Canyon and the trip home. I suppose I waited with him because it was so obvious he was crazy about me. I wanted him to only think good about me. And I fell in love with him. I remember thinking so often during our time together that it was better to have someone care more about me than I about them. I had no idea. I had little clue that I was with the love of my life. I had no inkling that I was going to spend the rest of my life thinking about him, looking for him every where I go.....

And so, this is the beginning of my (more than likely rambling) chronicles of that time in my life...complete with pictures.

Thank God its Friday

Or TGIF. Did I mention that yesterday was my dad's 85th Birthday? I had my doubts that we were going to celebrate it this year, but he fooled us all. The new Alheimers medication is working like a charm. It will never bring my Dad back but at least it has stopped the rapid decline we were witnessing two weeks ago. And there is hope he will live and realize his prophesy to die in the back of a church at age 90.

I am so upset, but pretty much calmed down now. Several years ago I was in a financial decline and had my car repossessed. Even though I had the job with the great company I am with now, it was catch up time. I bit the bullit and paid the collection agency along with all the fines and fees and had no car. A crime, but I realize that I was in the wrong to get so far behind in my payments, even though I was catching up I was not up to date. I paid the damn thing off by borrowing money from my 401-K. Finished and done with. Well, they are back for the third time trying to collect the same amount of money. It is up to me to unearth the letter I demanded the last time they came after me (for the second time) that states I have pain in full, and also find the paid checks. What a hassel!

I am going to write the Attorney General of KY about this. I am sick and tired of paying for my sins and continue to be harrassed by these vultures!

That's all folks.....

MORNING AFTER

Voting was not so bad yesterday. I was prepared for the line and so surprised! Usually it is a cake walk, sign in, show id, vote, go. And not to forget bull s'ing with the people volunteering at the polling area.

The only glitch was the lady behind me with her 18 month old son who screamed and cried the entire 10 minutes. And she invaded my space. If that kid were any closer to me, I would have been carrying him. I think she did it on purpose! Maybe she did not like my looks, hell maybe she read my mind! I was thinking she was out of her mind being that kid with out a book or a coloring book or toys or something! Oh well, I was ready to be a martyr and then she was pulled out of the line for not being officially registered. Thank you God.

Did much better on the diet. Considering I got up the nerve to stand on the scale and there it was! The dreaded ten pounds! I screamed loud and long! I knew it was bad....it was more than ten pounds actually, but once I got all my clothes stipped off it dropped three pounds.

Did much better, only three candy bars! Those tiny ones! No indian corn, no wheat thins....just some sugar fee pudding and lentil soup. Which I love. It is not on the South Beach diet, but who cares! I am trying to cut out sugar and starch in their ugliest forms! Lentil soup is comfort food, especially on a night where I was realizing that my vote did little good. Even badgering Zorro to vote, did little good. Another four years of strife....as I see it. I am not better off than I was under the Clinton administration, and I am looking at a dismal future as a retiree.

A dreary overcast battleship gray day on the Onio River.

ELECTION DAY

It seems that I find myself at this journal/blog more often than the other. I operate/write under a cloak of anoniminity that is not available to me on Alphawoman. My regular hand written jnl. Seems to be gathering dust in the back seat of the Coke-mobile. I find it difficult to write in the van, too cramped.

I am wolfing down lunch which is two old hamburgers from dinner two nights ago. I am in day two of the South Beach diet....I did not do too well yesterday, giving in to a 99cent jumbo bag of Autumn Mix (yum the indian corn). The the left over candy from Halloween. Thank God Zorro took it to work for distribution to the ghosts and ghouls of NSR. The Autumn mix was tossed into the trash can on the way into Barnes and Noble. Good girl, Alpha!

No one has told my body about the time change. That is why I am wolfing down lunch at 1030am! It is the reason that I crashed at 730pm last night! Awake at 1130pm! Back to bed around 130am. Up at 5am. That's my life , a study in clock study.

I am off to the polls now. Hope the rain hold off.

ATLANTA UPDATE

It would seem that I am heading to Atlanta. Zorro and I go to Roanoak next week so he can participate in a placement test for management jobs. I doubt that will work out, so I am starting to roll around in my head that I may be in Atlanta in a few months.

I don't know. I'm scared as anything. This morning I woke up and thought about the time I moved to Florida. I did it without a moments hesitation. I had little doubt that I could make it. I was walking away from what I considered a dead end job (maybe it was, maybe not) with a degree in my hot young hand (I was 38).

I am now 51. Moving and change does not come so easily anylonger. I have so much baggage to haul with me. Mom and Dad, leaving Bridget, leaving my family. The odds of finding a suitable job at 51.

And it is so tempting to go! The things I will leave behind. This boring job (made so because I make it boring), the step daughter who I have never taken to. I realize this is going to be the easies thing for me and the hardest for Zorro, leaving her. Its shameful, but to me that is the Main Reason for moving! Leaving her and her demanding, selfish self absorbed, unfair, gernerally despicable Mother (the ex) behind!

Shame on me! (secretly doing dance of Joy)