IN SEARCH OF SELF

Yesterday, alone, I went on the journey down Route 24 West away from Ft Wayne. Somewhere between Huntington and Wabash I thought to myself, "Glory Glory Day" which is a prayer of sorts...."Today is going to be a glorious day!" And as I came up a hill...(it was such a pleasure to find hills west of this area).....suddenly there were flowers everywhere. On both sides of the road. Most certainly a labor of love. Or this is where all the wild flowers of this genus originated. Beautiful in sunlight it stretched for at least three miles. Then it was gone.

It was a Glory Day.

For the past two months now I have not been employed. When I gave up the job because I could not take another minute of Portland, Winchester, Lynn, Dunkirk, Redkey, Geneva, Saratoga, Union City, blah blah blah. I should have been reflecting on myself and what I have learned. Did I grow? Did I discover stregnths I was unaware of?

I was miserable after the first couple of weeks. My direction was removed. I was lost without a job to define me and keep me occupied. The weekends are so much better when they are looked forward to. My timing was removed. I became depressed and unimaginative. I have writes block. I dried up. I was not stimulated. I felt like a failure!

Then I found out that I was a great interview. I had about a 50% hiring rate....And I can't say no! Even when I take a job I would not show up! I exposed myself as a real idiot.

I love to spend money and when I was not making money, I continued to spend it, only on a credit card! I have vowed to pay them off in the next several months. We'll see, since my word does not mean much actually.

I am ready to tackle this job and do the best I can do. I have never really tried to do a job well...ever. The Portland job I worked my ass off, but I was ready to bolt home at 4pm...I never gave it the extra that it needed.

I have huge ideas that never take root. Like the two books about shadow boxes I recently purchased. I think I would be good at it...if I would just do it.

Where is the growth? Is it in not being blind to my faults? Is it recogizing them? Is that enough? I'm more than half way through my life and just discovering, no just acknowledging who I really am.

I need a job/career to define myself.

Life is an Adventure

Joe and I were going to jump in the car and just travel down highway 23 to places unknown and have an adventure.

Instead, we had a big fat fight about the usual...nothing! Ended up not having an adventure and cleaning like the devil for hours. Still have not finished...need to shampoo the carpet, touch-up the paint job from last month, and oil the wood cabinets.

Then we made up and watched Houston get its butt kicked last night.

Round Robin Challenge - VILLAGE

One of the biggest adventures of my life took place the summer I graduated from grammar school in the late 1960's. As a present, I went to New York City for several weeks and stayed with my mothers sisters family in Hollis, NY.

I felt like I had died and gone to heaven. New York City had to be the most exciting, stimulating, thrilling and dangerous place for a 14 year old girl.

My cousin Eileen is four years older than me and had just graduated from high school. I worshiped her. She had a steady boyfriend Allen... (who is the dark haired hunk with the black eye in the photo) and a cool best friend named Mona Lisa (I kid you not. I was totally smitten with them and for those two weeks they absorbed me into their lives. I felt like such a grown up!

They showed me their New York. Which included the wild and wonderful Greenwich Village. They took me to a place called Cafe Wha? Can you see it? Little old country girl from the sticks at the Cafe Wha?

For fun, I found my first journal (the Bible) and this is what I wrote

......went and blew our minds. It was fantastic. The Wha? was sensational in every aspect! The stage was a horse shoe type and it has strobe lights around it they went crazy in the middle of it and the effect was maddening. I had a drink called a tiger we all had them and pretzels - cool beyond description.

And yes, there were pictures.

When I tried to think of some image to photograph for the challenge this week I had big ideas about finding some high building that I could look down and make Ft. Wayne look like a village. I kept thinking if I were in Kentucky I could find that Indian village of tee pees that are used as a road side motel! I even went to the Fort in down town...but it was a fort, not a village. I was getting desperate...until I remembered that crazy wonderful day with kids so much older than myself accepting me as one of them. In Washington Square Park in Greenwich Village on a July day so many years ago.

The Matinee

Because I have nothing to do, and only two more weeks to do it in, I went to the matinee today and saw In Her Shoes. It was wonderful.

What was especially touching, other than one of the characters hitting very close to home, was the e.e. cummings poem, I carry your heart...

I carry your heart with me
(I carry it in my heart)
I am never without it
(anywhere I go you go, my dear; and what ever is done by only me is your doing, my darling)
I fear no fate
(for you are my fate, my sweet)
I want no world
(for beautiful you are my world, my true)
and it's you are whatever a moon has always meant
and whatever a sun will always sing is you
here is the deepest secret nobody knows
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life, which grows
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide)
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart


I carry your heart (I carry it in my heart)




I heard this poem not only with my ears, but with my heart. There is someone I have been carrying in my heart and upon leaving the theatre, I was very melancholy.

Very Interesting

I doubt this picture is going to upload very sharp. As it was not sharp to begin with. One of the handful of abandoned pictures I purchased at the Antique Mall the other day. I took out a magnifying glass to try and determine if the animals in the background were horses or cattle? The car in the foreground, which make and model? The man to the left looking back at the camera. Another gentleman with his back to the lens, gazing at the activity infront of him.

There are no cattle farms around here. I think the earth too precious in its giving of corn and soybeans.

It's cold, and the trees are bare. The land flat. Indiana? Ohio? Are they tourists pulled over to look at a bunch of horses? No fence is evident, so they must have driven up onto the land. They are horses! I think with riders. A fox hunt? Do foxes live in such tree barren surroundings? Very interesting photo.

Also interesting....I got the job. Passed the drug test and the background check. The University of Louisville came through for me! Took a couple of phone calls to straighten out my records, but all was well in the end.

My Favorite Places

Since I am 300 miles away from my most my favorite places, I must find new places that I can run away to and amuse myself. I loved the Flea Markets and Antique Malls that one can find in any given small town in Kentucky. I love junk, that is all there is to it.

I like the abandoned photo's I find. Such as the one above. No name was scribbled across the back to give future generations a clue. Just two people, standing close together happily oblivious to the little girl who is standing off to the right with a glum look on her face. I wonder if the people are her grandparents? Or recently have adopted an orphan. She looks like and orphan, doesn't she?

I have sent away for two books on shadow boxes. Hopefully I will take all the junk I find fascinating and turn it into some type of art! Give this little girl a home again.

phenomenon of Life, unfortunately

Last year after I attended the St. James Court Art Show I came away inspired and full of ideas to create some folk art of my own. I began to search for old photographs. I thought that I could make shadow boxes of "mixed media" as good, if not better than what I had viewed at the Art Show. I went to numerous Flea Markets and antique malls in my quest. I actually found some very interesting photos. To look at a person some how discarded is sad. Yet, there is a new beginning, a second chance to live, in the art. It demands speculation about the life of that lost soul.

I lost motivation in short time. My own circumstances began demand speculation in regards to the future. That future at the time did not involve creating interesting shadowboxes.

A year later, I found myself at the Art Show once again fascinated with the simplicity of the boxes and the powerful aura's that I felt surrounding them. Discarded souls.

I encountered discarded souls of a living nature all over Louisville during the weekend. Earlier this year I was in the drive thru line of a fast food joint near the Interstate. I was totally taken by surprise when someone suddenly was at my window asking if I could spare a $1. I was so startled that I shook my head no and rolled my window up.

I have regretted it ever since. As soon as the shock wore off, in a matter of minutes I searched the parking lot for that person. He was gone, vanished. I don't know why I felt so bad, but I did.

Three separate times during the course of a 12 hour period I was asked for money. Once again at a fast food joint as I was walking back to my car. I handed over a $1.

At the Octoberfest festivities on Fourth Street Live. I handed over all my change in my pocket.

At a convenient store a little later on, while buying lottery tickets for Powerball, Omega and I encountered a young kid in the parking lot. "Have you got 74 cents?" he asked, "Its all I need to get home". Peggy turned to me and I handed over a dollar. "More" she demanded. I added another two bucks. She gave it to the young man.

Once we got back into the car she said, "Since New Orleans......K. (her husband) says you never know when the person you are helping could be Jesus. I think there is God in all of us anymore. No matter what."

Ditto.

 

What's old is new again
They offered me the job!

Now to pass the drug test. Have searched for info on line and I am 99.9% sure that taking a few puffs on a pipe for the first time in over two years..almost three, will be out of my system in three weeks.

But I will sweat it out. Literally. Tomorrow I walk ten miles. Test on Wednesday.

My life handed back to me.

Thirty days hath September

I like being up early. For the past several weeks I have been awaking later and later. The day seems so short beginning in mid-morning. I was making tea at 420am, kissed Joe good-bye, turned on the Singers Standards on cable and settled back into the warm safe arms of the best time of day. Hardly anyone is awake and moving now. It is very quiet the sounds of the expressway some two miles to the East is a soft music of rubber on highway.

This afternoon I interview with XXX. I do not want to get nervous or anxious. Yet, so much hangs on this. A car, a gas card, a reinstatement of benefits. I was asked to change to time of the interview to accommodate the Sales Center Manager who wants to sit in on it. That sends a message. A good one that I can not quite articulate. I'm certain that my plight is known. I'm certain that my reputation from Lexington accompanies me. My connections. My humbling experience in Portland.

Life has turned into a vast sea of nothingness. I read, I cook, I walk/run. I watch too much tv. I drink too much. I miss home very much. I have dried up creatively with my writing. No inspiration. Just a longing for something I can't put my mind around. My friends, my family, my beloved Kentucky. My daughter. The familiar things. The simple things. The feeling of belonging.

The shortcomings of Indiana will never fade. I'm hoping with a job that keeps me in the area I will learn more of the city itself. Urging it to give up its secrets. To expose the wonderfulness of its existence. Prove to me that I am wrong. I can last another six months or more.

I just hope ........

Secrets

Round Robin Challenge - Secrets

Oh my......just the addition of that little "s" made this challenge a bonafide challenge!

It came to me like a bolt of lighting. Ever since I have been a young child I have been full of secrets. It was a logical progression. I was the eldest child, the only girl with three brothers for 11 years till my closest sister was born. Saddled with Roman Catholic parents "from the north" in a small southern town where everyone knew everyone's business, being secretive was the key to survival.

I'm heavy with secrets. As a child, as a woman. Not that they are as interesting as they were all those years ago. Such as pinching cigarettes from my friends parents carelessly abandoned packs...usually Larks or Tarytons...and smuggled like precious jewels to the tree house to light up and pass from grubby, dirty, sweaty hand to hand at 12 years of age. Younger still, on a dare to blatantly steal from the 5 & 10 the highly coveted pencil sharpeners and mechanical pencils for trading during 4th grade. So brazen, we would grab the paper bags from under the counter and walk into the aisles of helpless merchandise. Yes, we got caught...that is quite another story!

I began to write journals at about 12 years of age. I hid them in my room. I was a champion on finding hiding places in my room. I had many prying eyes, not only my three savage brothers but my Mom and Mae, the lady Mom had come into the house and help clean once a week. (Mae is another story for another time). I wrote all my secrets into those journals. I called them "Bibles" in high school. I burnt those in ....1979. I wish I had them today. Only one survived, the original Bible. It is in the storage area presently.

Once I realized I would photograph my "Bibles"/journals I was able to find the above scattered around this house! Hidden...naturally....that is the fun of it.

I am almost finished with the 150 page monster I picked up a year ago. I liked it because it is a five subject notebook. Translation...eight pockets to stuff things in! It was ambitious for a one year journal. I have about 50 pages left...for lots more secrets.

Now isn't that interesting?

Received two phone calls today for job interviews. One is with YouKnowWho! I have already accepted the job with the Cell Phone company contingent on the drug test. Yet, I will interview with XXX on Friday.

(they will give me a car and a gas card) For seven and one half years I just filled up without a care in the world on how much the price of gas was at any given point in time. I miss that. I miss that a lot.

If per chance XXX offers me the job, I'm taking it.

I might have been really mad at them, but I'm not unreasonable.

The letter is in the Mail

Saturday I received a letter from my Mother. I was so thrilled that I was ripping the envelope open even before I had returned to the house. My Mother is part of the last generation of letter writers. She learned the art from her Mother who holds the esteemed title of The Greatest Letter Writer that ever lived. Her mother dutifully wrote letters to all the realitives she left behind when she and her husband immigrated to America.

My Aunt, Mom's sister, is a tremendous letter writer also. She arises at 5am each day and begins her letter writing, as is her custom as was her mothers. I receive notes on a regular basis from Aunt Maura. They are generally informative chatty two page affairs keeping me abreast of all the going on's with my cousins and their families.

I love those notes.

There is something so intimate and joyful about knowing that someone took the time to jot down a few lines, hunt down my address (I have had 20 different addresses in as many years), find a stamp and place the letter in the mail. Those sending the letters have little notion at the pleasure that accompanies them on their journey.

I remember when I first left home and began my first attempt at college. I traveled 250 miles west to attend Murray State University. I felt at that time that I wanted as far away from my parents as possible! (strict Roman Catholics). The mail boxes for my dormitory were located in Hart Hall. Everyday around mid day I would make the trek to the boxes. They covered three walls, were made of brass, had two tiny knobs for the combination, and a tiny glass window.

To see something in that box always made my day. It usually was a letter from my Mom, a letter from one of my friends I left behind, or the home town weekly newspaper. The bouts of loneliness and homesickness an 18 year old child away from home for the first time could be pushed aside for awhile at mid day.

It is because of those memories that I make an extreme effort to send Bridget a card each week for the past year and a half since she has moved to Louisville. If I skip a week, she lets me know. It is amazing how much the simple act of a card with an "I love you and I miss you" means. Yet I know. That is why I do it.

I called my Mom yesterday and told her how much I appreciated the note. I told her how I recalled anticipating her letters while at Murray and how I would run to the mail box with hope that I would be receiving that little bit of home. I told her how much I loved it and looked forward to it and how her letter brought back those memories.

"Oh Mary, don't forget I put $12 in those letters too!"

That woman remembers way too much!

Ferris Wheel


Names have been changed to protect the guilty

This is the way I remember it. I was riding on the truck with John. We were haveing a conversation about him being a Dead Head and other such things. The drug test came up and he asked me if I studied for the drug test. I thought that was hilarious! But, I have ended up having to study for the test twice since then!

The first summer I worked for XXX, F. and I were working the Bluegrass Fair. The Bengal training camp was also going on in Georgetown at the same time! While working on a Saturday delivering cannister of pre-mix and other such important stuff to the carnies (God how many hours F. and I put in were unbelievable! He received so much over time and J. gave me extra "Comp" days) and got a page ( did not have cell phones back then) and it was the Bengal camp with 911 behind the phone number.

We rushed to get out of the fair and in my haste I took a right turn in between two steel poles and nailed the van. Not my van, but C's van. C was on vacation and F. was using his van. F. had loaded up the van waiting on me to arrive at the plant for our trip to the fair. I really got the side good.

We backed up and went on! The Bengal camp was waiting for us.

The next day we had the yearly company picnic at Kings Island. Joe and I had snuck up there alone...no kids! I was in the beer garden sitting at a table with B., his wife, Joe and D. B. took a big old slug of beer just as I said, "Oh by the way, I wrecked the van at the Fair yesterday."

B. spewed that beer across the table.

In the meantime, F. was trying to make the van look not so bad. He used white out! The next day we were interrogated in different rooms. The were certain I was covering for F. Because he is a college student etc. etc. Drugs were suspected (as well should have been! hahahah).

B. told me he was going to have to take me for a drug test as is XXX policy. Oh hell.....I had smoked a joint sometime in the not so distant past. So I told B. that I had an appointment I could not get out of and I would meet him back at the plant in an hour. ( B. was the best boss ever. He always wanted you to succeed and be your best. He never challenged any subtle b.s. ...hell, he was the king of it...but you knew he always knew). F. and I raced to the New Age Gift shop and purchased a bottle of this stuff that masks the THC in your system. I guzzled it on the way back to the plant.

I never thought to read the directions.

I had to go so bad that is was such a relief to let loose into that little jar.

Then I read the directions. Void before the pee test.

I was frantic. How the hell it happened I don't know, but I was able to enlist the help of the girl that did the settlement of the days receipts to help me out. Every day she would go through the mail and pick out the envelopes from the clinic that sent the results. Finally, one came and we ran into the bathroom and ripped itopen.

It was not mine! Some poor guy trying to get a job with XXX submitting to the drug test and they were his results. I felt so bad for him! We quickly smashed the evidence in the bottom of the trash bin.

Several days later B. came walking by my desk and get about half way to his office and turns, "Oh by the way...you passed the drug test."

I almost wept with joy.

Writers Cramp...I mean Block
I was reading Trish and found out her journal is kicking off its third years of existence! I thought "Wait a minute....then so is mine!!" Trish made the very first comment in my journal and I'm forever grateful to her for that rush! I also found out that the VIVI awards are being kicked off! Please go over and read all about it and cast your vote for the nominees.

Other than that life has been so boring! As a matter of fact it is well after noon and I am sitting in my pj's typing this! I have discovered Soduko and can not pull myself away from the numbers! I even dreamed about number combinations last night, it is that bad.

I have been reading non stop. I have been watching movies rented from Netflix...I love the foreign film selection. I have been doing stretch exercises with the Power 90 CD's I purchased from a bout of infomercialitis I had earlier this spring. I have been walking and running. I have been thinking about making wine (I am such a procrastinator)I have been toying with trying to find a job. Fact of the matter is, doing nothing is right up my alley!

The days have been floating by as if I am drifting on a cloud. I realize that Christmas is several months away and I have to spring into action and find gainful employment!

Joe and I went to a small Irish Festival last week end and had a great time. I wanted to see a band called Gaelic Storm which was the band in the movie Titanic, but we could not last till 10pm!

Deep Throat applied for and was given my job in Hell City. The company called me last week and requested that I apply for a position opening up in Ft. Wayne....I just don't know.

A rambling entry just to say thank you AOL for giving us the opportunity to have this tremendous experience with the Journal Community.

Crying Time Again

Second interview with Cell Phone Company went very well. So well in fact they offered me the job! I should really say, I thought the interview went so-so. They were younger than me and sometimes that might not work in my favor. I am so old school anymore with this kind of stuff. Old school, old hand. My first interview guy called and offered me the job telling me that the second two ended up being as smart as he was in finding me!

I'm drinking. I'm drinking farewell to my life of leisure. Six weeks of pure bliss. I am sort of bored now and ready to go back to work. This is going to be a challenge and a stretch for me. I think I am up to it.

First...have to pass the drug test. Damn that Peggy and Karl!!! Damn me! I ordered the cleansing drink 2nd day air. $45 bucks is not too bad.

I am in semi-shock. I need the money because there is much I need to buy/purchase. The dryer needs a new element. The gas oven needs replacing. God knows the plumbing needs work! And Coach Z. God knows I need a chiropractor.

I have been conserving my money by using credit cards. I shudder to see what I charged to it this month!

Doing the happy dance because it just dawned on me that I will more than likely be paid every other week! Or twice a month. Tears of joy! Seven and one half years of a monthly paycheck was pure hell. Goes to show you that you can become use to anything.

Thank you God. Really, thank the Lord for this.

Reinventing Oneself - Like Madonna

I am very close to leaving AOL-Journal Land. A friend of mine once commented to me that the AOL community was like the Rich Kid table in the High School cafeteria. I though it very apropos. They crucified him when he was the first Guest Editor and he chose all journals outside the clique. Meaning, outside AOL. They went berserk.

So, I have changed my template. Become accepted on Blog Explosion. Got a very cool Flickr badge going. And brought in a hit counter.

Why? Because we all know it is all about the comments. Maybe we don't like to admit it, but it is driving force behind my two years of on line blogging.

And so, I reinvent myself.

Light at the end of the tunnel


I know my retirement from the work force is going to have to end very soon. I have an appointment for my second interview for the communication company this afternoon and I guess I will try my hardest to get the job. I really never have tried very hard to be the best I can be at any job I have had. I know that I have great things inside of my if only I could find that one thing that I love. At this point in my life I am realizing that I have let it pass me by. If I could wave a magic wand and return to the young girl I was at 15, I would inhabit her body for the next seven years and make her get a degree in Journalism. I would have loved it. I could have done it. Yet, here I am a 50 year old woman who has little skills other than being a very good b.s.er and very smart. I would not be so lazy or so unmotivated if I were involved with what I love.

They say it is never too late. Well, I am unmotivated at this moment to return to school and pursue another career. Yet, it is very tempting.

How many times do I have to tell myself I am lost? I am deflated and uninspired living in the heartland. I miss my beautiful south.

I may grab my camera and go for a long long walk. Certainly I can find something of beauty or strength or interest to photograph?

Indy Irish Festival


On the way to Indianapolis I had an epiphany . I realized I was terribly happy. Not only is the relationship between Joe and I wonderful and dramatically improved since moving to Indiana, but the elimination of the job and the stress that accompanied it has greatly improved my mental well being.

I'm happy. I worry about leaving my parents and family. I worry about Bridget and what ever is the matter with her, but outside of that, I am so happy and content!

We arrived at the hotel without incident. We checked into the room and headed out the door to the festival. It was a little more than a mile walk to Military Park. We mosied through downtown and noted all the street musicians and out door pubs. The trip back would include a visit to one of them.

The Festival itself was very nice. Upon entering and wandering around I had to remind myself, before making any comments to Joe, that Dublin is the second largest Celtic festival in the US. So I had to give the Indy attempt a break.

We found the beer booth...most important, and they had Smithwicks and Guinness! We still drank Killians due to the price difference. It was still noted that we had a choice. We ran across the pipe and drums right away. The haunting and mournful notes that are so touching hung in the air so that you felt like you could touch them. Danny Boy, When Irish eyes are smiling, amazing Grace, God Bless America were all performed. And several other Irish tunes that I remember my Dad singing but could not remember the names.

From there we camped at the Irish Claddagh Pub Stage and listened to two incredibly good bands. The first one a little more polished than the second, but the second was a hell of a lot of fun. They encouraged crowd participation. From the wave, to yelling "what a lot of vodka" as the refrain of "500 miles". Grand fun!

Irish Festival Again


What luck! I caught wind of a Celtic Fest in Chicago this weekend. It took some persuasion to convince Joe to go. While perusing the Journal Gazette (as if they could not decide on one name! So they adopted them both) last Sunday I saw a picture of the upcoming Irish Festival in Indianapolis the same week end.

It was easy to switch him from Chicago to Indianapolis. I know Indianapolis only slightly, from being lost several times! Joe and I do not do well when it comes to travel....have never figured it out, must have something to do with control......and knowing a little something about the area is much better than knowing nothing!

I am excited. I booked us a room in downtown, about a mile hike from the festival. Easy walk back if we have had too much to drink! Us? Never!!! I tried to get the Hilton deal, room and two tickets to the Festival PLUS two entry tickets to an after the festival party in the hotel. Sweet!! But it was sold out last month.

We should arrive early evening. Hopefully around 3pm and then head to the festival. At least I will, he can rest and join up with me.

Gaelic Storm is performing. I have a CD of theirs that just did not do it for me. Yet, I know the power of seeing someone in concert.

Irish jigging again.

Just another day

I had an interview today or rather late this afternoon. It went pretty good. It was with a cellular phone company in this area. Limited to five state area. Anyway, it has a base salary of 30K and a car allowance and then you should be able to make 45-65 with determination and hard work.

XXX called yesterday and informed me that a position was opening up in Ft. Wayne and I should apply. Caught me off guard and made up for the non-call regarding the same position I was suggested to apply for last month! So I did. Nuts.

I won't pass a drug test after this week end. What am I thinking?

Hero's


The Round Robin challenge this time around is "Hero's". Of all the important people who have been hero's in my lifetime, I have to showcase my parents. I am the most blessed person when it comes to family.

This picture is close to 30 years old. In my minds eye when I think "Mom" or "Dad" the faces that come to me are the faces of their youth and not the Grandma and Grandpa that they have morphed into. Sometimes I dream about them and I see them also as young and vibrant. I awake feeling I have been given a wonderful gift.

A hero is someone you look up to and admire. Someone who is brave in the face of adversity. Someone who can sacrifice for the right cause or any cause that needs help. Hero's are people who help other people. Who have strong convictions about right and wrong. Who lead by example. Who do the right thing even if it is the hardest path to take. Hero's are people who put the greater good ahead of themselves. They are not selfish, they are not hypocrites. They are kind and generous. Stern and unbendable when they have to be. They live the law of love.

Love your neighbor as yourself.

I could fill page after page of my parents teaching this to their six children. The times when the less fortunate kids from our school would be in our kitchen making Christmas cookies with us. The year we had a house full of girls from South America, who went to the all girls college and could not go home for Christmas so they were at our house. When the neighbor that lived behind us came to the back door to ask my Mom for help, and she was always helped. The bags of corn and tomatoes that were given as gratitude, because the money would/could never be paid back. My father doing income taxes for the elderly and illiterate. My parents paying for memberships to the swimming pool for families that could not afford it. My mother giving away a full blooded Brittany Springer Spaniel puppy to a family who could not pay the asking price and the children were heart broken.

They taught me to give as a way of life.

We celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary several years ago. Hundreds of people came to the party! People came from all over this country to celebrate the auspicious occasion. I heard story after story about their kindness. Some of them whispered in my ear. Others were told looking me directly in the eye. Some with their eyes downcast. The stories had one common theme, how my parents had changed their lives with some small or large kindness. As simple as the offering of support or encouragement when needed. or as the one teenager of me of a card with $100 tucked inside so she could go to camp with the others.

I know there are a lot of hero's out there in this world. My two hero's come from my small little place in this world.

My parents.

Lexington Cemetery


Quite honestly, there is little I do not like nor miss about the South right at this moment. Yet, out of all the wonderful things I miss....the weekly church festivals with gambling and beer booths, the Art shows, the hot air balloons on the horizon, white fences surrounding horse farms, yellow fields of tobacco, mockingbird and whipperwill, the flowering weeds, stone fences, peach orchards, farmers markets, drive in movie theaters, magnolia trees, smoky mountains, UK basketball, horse racing, the sing song southern lilt, the farm boys of my youth, my family...I'm going to settle on the cemeteries in the South.

The cemeteries of the south are not just resting places for our loved ones, but beautifully kept gardens full of moss covered stones, statues and monuments. Very few arboretum can compare to the beauty of a cemetery that is over 200 years old. Any season can make you catch your breath.

This past winter I kept my camera in the car so if perchance it began to snow I could get to the Lexington Cemetery and get a photograph of the "Wiggins" statue, an aging bronze statue of a fairy with her arms and uplifted towards heaven, her head thrown back with a large smile, skipping on her pedestal about eight feet off the ground. I wanted to capture her catching snow flakes!

It never happened last winter.

The best BBQ is slow cooked over a wood fire for hours and hours, and then smeared with molasses, vinegar and lemon juice. It will bring you to your knees.

Happy Birthday to Mom
I may never go back to work! I really like just farting around all day!

I ran three miles...or close to it. I felt so much better after Coach Z. fixed my neck. Amazing. Simply stupefying that he could adjust my neck and my knee is just about healed!

I painted one wall of the living room. Added to the half room yesterday. The two tone is going to be very nice. Big job taking off the wall paper and the preparing the area. Trimming and all that. But I love it. Tomorrow I will do probably the rest of it.

Watched three movies with Joe. God help me, I can't believe it but I did. The one with Kevin Costner. The Ladder 49 & Man of the House. All three were good.


Called Peggy and we are going to stay at her house this Saturday night. Sunday we will celebrate Mom's Birthday and Dan's and Chris'

Good day....do not want to go back to work just yet. I will have to in time.

Mary Altogether


I try to run but its sad and I must look ridiculus.

This morning I managed to make myself go to the track behind the local high school. The track is very forgiving to my bum knee. It is wonderful because unlike the Riverwalk area I do not have to dodge the reckless bicyclists. I can enjoy the tranquility of the morning. I even managed to run a very slow, very feeble two miles.

As I finished I saw that I was not alone. On the stretch stood a tall skinny man watching me walk towards him. He nodded at my knee and asked, "What happened?"

I told him the condensed version of my tale of woe and he reached out and asked for my hand. "Knee injuries can be relieved through the thumb." I turned my hand over to him and he quickly popped my thumb. "How's that?" he asked.

You know what? I think it felt better.

"Your neck is out of alignment. Come over her and lie down on this carpet." He spoke with such authority what else could I do but lay down on my back and allow him to work me over.

My new angel, Coach Z., 70 years old and retired....from a distance walking up to him, he looked more like 40.....now has a practice where he works people over. He started with my left knee, which he said he knew was the bum knee even though the right one is wearing the brace. He told me to throw the brace it away it just becomes a crutch. He worked my arms, then he fixed my neck.

"Trust me" he stated.

"Please don't kill me" I replied.

He fixed my neck.

I can not believe it. My neck has been out of whack for many years and I did not realize it only took a simple adjustment in the hands of someone who knows what they are doing.

Five minutes of laying on some scratchy astroturf and I am a new woman. I feel like 10 years have been lifted off my body.

Truly amazing. He told me it was only a bandaid for my situation. That got my attention. Now I have added incentive to get a job.

Because Coach Z is going to end up on my payroll!

Early Morning Blues
I was awake before 4am. Laying in bed wide awake listening to the muted sounds of the tv in the living room. The hum of the window fan that I must have to provide the white noise that lulls me, soothes me to sleep. Thoughts filling my head, screaming at me, making sleep impossible. Find a job! Why did you quit your job? You will never find another job! You're lazy. You're screwed up. No one will hire you because you are too old. Too fat. Too ugly. Too dumb.

I have not felt this way in a long time. So much in anguish about something as simple as employment! I have worked all my life and I will work again. I may not make the $40 G's and have a car complete with gas card and a $10 grand bonus, but I will work again.

I wish I could have done better on the job in Portland. I hated it.

I just need a plan. I have the beginnings of one. I should go to Walmart and just fill out an application. You never know. What does it matter if I have to work weeks ends. Joe works weekends?

For many years I have been able to breeze. Now I am ready to fall back on Walmart? Hell, what would it do to me if they won't hire me! I am unable to open my mind to the possibilities that are hanging out there for me. The opportunity this presents to me. A chance to do something that will......make me feel good about myself!

It has been awhile, hasn't it.

Labor Day and I am depressed and sad

I am getting ready to go for my walk. Something I have been reduced to doing since my knee will not allow me to run anylonger....or squat, or kneel. I think maybe I should go to a Doctor if it continues.

I'm thinking that I would like to win the lottery. I do not want to work. Is this true? Or is it that I do not want to work at the job I breathlessly said yes to last Monday? I had a gut feeling not to do it. Now that I am, I know my gut was correct. I need to study to pass the Insurance License thing. And if I pass, there is no guarantee that I will receive the license! Because of me and my KY taxes. Too boring to explain, but I wish I had borrowed that $100 from my Mom 15 years ago.

I find myself becoming more and more listless. I do not write in my book jnl..even though there is plenty to write about. It is just too much effort. Which leads me to believe I am depressed. I am homesick. I miss my family. I miss being familiar with everything. I miss taking pictures. This part of Indiana is so boring.....(sorry for that, but it is). I wonder how long Joe and I will be trapped here?

I went through the Sunday paper yesterday and chose several classified ads for advertising sales. That is what I wanted to do, and I should have pursued that. Not been waylaid by dreams of making big bucks.

We go home next weekend to celebrate my Moms birthday, along with Daniels and Chris'. Hurray. The assignment is hero's for our next Round Robin challenge and I want to take a picture of my Dad.....and my Mom. She is my hero also.

I did not hear from CCE regarding the three positions I applied for. I did not receive a return call from US Foods. That depresses me a lot. Guess I am just feeling sorry for myself. In the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina I should be ashamed of myself.

I need that walk to clean my brain and come up with some Plan "B's".

AUBURN CAR SHOW


Yesterday Joe and I traveled the 20 miles north to a car show....no, The Car Show being held in Auburn. Now I am not one who would ordinarily attend a car show. In this case, a friend of mine from Kentucky who is in the concession business was there and gave us passes!

It was unbelievable. A sea of shiny chrome and polished steel, that included every color in the universe, stretched out as far as the eye can see. I have been to car shows before, but not one of this magnitude.

For Joe and I, it was an experience that can be described as a walk down memory lane. When my Nana moved from NYC to Kentucky, she drove a black Ford Fairlane...a 1960 I think. When I saw one yesterday, all those memories of Nana and her little dog Pogo flooded over me.

Car after car, memory after memory. Mach I's, 'Cuda's, Road Runners, Datsun 280Z's, MGB's, Triumph's, Nova's, Mustangs,and the list is endless.

I want one of those 'Cuda's. Next year I plan to bring the checkbook!

What the hell am I doing?
I started the new job today and it just does not feel right. Maybe because I am just being trained to be in business for myself. I am okay with that. I think. I know I am a lazy unproductive butt. Maybe, this will be different.

I have my Pina Colada'a out...trying to unfreeze. I'll wash the dishes, vaccuum the floor and make the bed..do all those domestic things.

Maybe this will be it for me. I could have held out, but I think I may do well at this. Just beginners jitters.

Vodka on a Sunday Afternoon

It is Sunday, isn't it? One of the wonderful things about not having to work is that you do not have to keep track of the days.

I do my best thinking (daydreaming) while driving a car. I have not been doing that much lately, so while I was sitting in the sun, reading a novel and sipping on some Apple Vodka and mixer I realized something. I use to do my best thinking while smoking the illegal drug...which I have not done for a long, long time now...so vodak seems to have stepped in and taken charge.

I have been smitten with the illusions of making some good money. If I take that job I will not be happy. I will not like it. I would like the money, for sure. But I would not like the job. I could do it, but I would feel like I was taking advantage of people because I know how to sell.

Selling is an art. I know that it is said good sales people are born...wrong. It is a science. All you need is confidance and a good product. Added to that, you need to be prepared and anticipate the "objections" or questions. It is a formula that goes like this "What I hear you saying is if I can do this, you will do that" It requires good listening skill and a good questioning techique. (open ended questions).

I should have called this Sales 101.

I am aided with vodka and a realization. I better get that last entry out of herebefore I get TOS'ed.

Tomorrow if I am offered the job....I hope I have my wits about me to turn it down and stop the dance of BIG MONEY in my head. I would hate it. Though, I would love it if they offer it to me. I am very competitive and hope I win out over those other applicants. But please, not enough to blurt out "yes" like I did the last time. I knew I did not want that job. I placed a of land mines to ensure I would not be offered that job. But no, they were stupid (did I say that out loud) and offerred it to me. And I was stupid ( capital S.) and took it.

Interesting Week

I have been to Indianapolis and Detroit in the same week! On the way to Detroit, about 60 miles east we ran across two orchards! Hurray! An easy morning trip to Ohio. Also, discovered a beautiful lake area that appears very uncommericalized! That will be a day trip!

The Indianapolis interview was encouraging. The food service industry is very much like the beverage industry. Only, it seems as if a whole lot more money is to be made because you are neither given a car nor an allowance. That sucks in one way, but it enables them to encourage you to make as much money as you can with no ceilings!

The interview itself was same old same old. Tell us about yourself...What did you like most about your last job? Etc. Etc. Etc.

He did throw me a curve ball. "Tell me the funniest thing that has happened to you." I just began laughing as I pictured myself falling infront of the oncoming traffic in Newport Ky this spring when I was perfectly sober having given up the juice for Lent. But I thought that would be too long....and perhaps he wouldn't see the humor in me giving up alcohol.

So I told him another story. One day Art and I were traveling together and I was telling him about Joe getting a new motorcycle.

"What kind is it?" He asked

"A Cock Rocker", I replied. I meant to say a Crotch Rocket.

He and I were laughing so hard I had to pull over. Tears were rolling down our faces. Whenever Art sees Joe he asks, "How's that Cock Rocker?"

Back in the Saddle

All good things must end? This is the beginning of the third week of non-work. I can admit wholeheartedly that I have loved every minute of it. I did stress a little about the money, because I had no idea I was going to do it when I did..resign. So I was ill prepared with the funds. Yet, if I was going to wait until I was financially ready to do it, it never would have happened.

So now I am beginning the process of finding another job. I had my first interview yesterday with an insurance company. I was so at ease I could not believe this was me. At ease and unprepared! He asked me what I wanted to do, after I admitted to him I was clueless about the job description for which I had applied. "Sales Manager". Okay, that's cool. "Have you ever managed anyone before?"

I should have been prepared for this question. I said "no" when in actualilty, I have! At the ZZZ in Houston, I was the AM front desk manager! I had a whole staff that I got to boss around. At XYZ, I had Elaine who was my assistant. I got to boss her around to, thought I loved her dearly and she was my good friend. While working for ABC, I actually managed all the branch offices across central Ky and So. Ohio. I trained them and was responsible for their performance. What was I thinking when I said, "No."

He asked me what I was looking for. Hmmmmmm...to continue with a sales job. Because I love the competition, the feeling of closing the deal, and I just like people and the freedom that comes with sales.

What I would like is to find a sales position that pays extremely well, and has structure to it. I told him, when he asked about CCE not finding a place for me (a valuable employee) after seven years. I told him that I was strongly encouraged to apply for a position in Ft. Wayne (sometimes it is very difficult to explain XXX to outsiders. And sometimes I just take for granted outsiders understand the structure of XXX)but that I felt I could do better than a X0,000 a yr, a car and a X0,000 bonus.

And as I said it, I realized I believed it!

Today I go to Indianapolis for a meeting tomorrow with a Food distributor.

I think that I am in a position for the first time in my life that I will not have to take a job out of desperation. I will be able to find the one with the best fit.

Midsummer Nigh'st Run


The Hunky Brothers

Later that night the 21st annual Midsummer Night's Run was held in downtown Lexington. I could not believe my luck! First the Woodland Art Fair and now the biggest 5K race in Lexington. It is unusual to hold the race in the evening. It makes for a wonderful change to run down the streets in the dark.

I called Omega to find out if they were going. I have no idea why she has a cell phone, because I can never get her to answer it! So, I donned my running shorts, tied up my running shoes, slipped on my knee brace and I ready.

My mother took one look at the knee brace and handed me a bottle of.......gasp....Aspercreme!

"Aspercreme is your friend"...."Aspercreme is my new found Best Friend". Why has no one ever told me of this miraculous invention? I slathered it on and I was off.

A good estimate of the runners gathering in downtown would be around 5,000. My sister Omega's husband would be running, as he does every year. It is his only race and he trains for it. His brothers run it with him,along with their children in strollers or on foot, and an assortment of in-laws, which includes me! I began wandering around searching and thinking, "Now if I were the Hunky Brothers...where would I be?" Outside the Blue Martini Bar, naturally! But, I could not find them.(Yes, they were there! On the other side!)

I ambled up to the front of the crowd and just waited. I knew sooner or later I would catch sight of one of them, as one BIL is about 6-3. Finally success!!! There they are, hunky as ever.

It was a charmed day, nothing could go wrong. I knew I would find them.

The day had been a cruel 96 degrees, but as the evening rolled in, so did a temperature drop. So, I ran the first mile. Bad idea! Even though the temps were down, the humidy was a killer! I walked the last 2+ miles.

Afterwards I went over to one of the hunky brothers homes where my Phone averse sister was parked by the swimming pool. It was a nice time.

When I went home to Mom's house, I could not fall asleep. I had been up for almost 21 hours and still I was not one bit sleepy. The day had been so wonderful. Filled with family, friends and peaches. I was buzzing from the excitement that accompanies a race. I was happy to with Mom and Dad.

When a day is that perfect, it is sad to bring down the curtain.

REED VALLEY ORCHARD


Reed Valley Orchard

Mentally I made a list of all the things I wanted to cram into beautiful Saturday. First on the list, was a trip to Reed Valley Orchard because it is north of Lexington and easily navigated from the highway.

I decided to take a detour of sorts and exited onto Pike 36 and made the 25 mile trek through the hills and fields of central bluegrass. This is what my heart misses. The twisty roads that take you up to a crest where a breathtaking panoramic view of foothills, forests, fenced in fields, and the ripened golden yellow tobacco bases are laid out below you.

Where every field is fenced and the trees grace the side of the road, their heavy heads leaning towards each other crating a canopy of soft green dancing light as you travel under. The wildflowers are in full bloom despite the extremely dry and hot summer. I see the purple iron weed, the white Queen Anne lace, and my favorite, the blue chicory, which is everywhere. I am home.

Reeds Orchard was packed on a late Saturday morning. I went around the store in search of the absolute best Hot Red pepper jelly in the world! And suddenly, there it was, hidden on a shelf, pushed to the back. (I realize it does not sound appetizing, but on a cracker with cream cheese.....heaven.) When I finally made it to the counter I asked the clerk if she had anymore than the two jars on the shelf. I bought every jar she had in the back. And two pecks of peaches, please.

They only had the half-pecks out. So she asked me to be patient, she would get my peaches from the back.

Then a huge crowd hit! I wandered outside and enjoyed the hot 96 degree tempetures and the expansive apple tree orchard. People kept coming and coming. Buying ice cream, picking their own peaches, buying half-pecks.

I stand to the back and wait....and wait...and wait...and wait. She is very apologetic and finally gets the owner to bring out the full pecks for me. Everyone tells me how sorry they are.

Big Deal. I have my peaches. I have my Hot Red Pepper Jelly.

"I gave you a discount", she whispered to me. A pretty hefty discount! She knocked off ten bucks!!!

Patience is a virtue......and will get you a discount!

Woodland Art Fair


ART FAIR MADNESS

I could not have picked a more perfect weekend to visit home! I had realized earlier in the day that the annual Woodland Arts Fair was taking place in Lexington. I could not wait to go. In other words, there was some money burying a hole in my pocket!

Woodland is named in the top 50 Art Fairs in the country! And with good reason. Every booth in the Park is first class. Not one single trash and trinket vendor is allowed. They are banished to the streets and front yards surrounding the Park. This also means, some very high end and expensive treasures.

I'm like a kid in a candy shop. I have to wander around and look at everything first. I am mainly interested in photographs. I spend a lot of time in James Archambeault's "gallery". He is a famous and respected photographer specializing in landscapes. In particular, Kentucky landscapes. I am taken with the Thoroughbred photographs, in particular a magnificant Secretariat prancing in the waning light! I decided to continue to look around before making any purchases.

Then I stumbled on Wiwat. Scientist and Artist. I had first discovered him at an Art Fair in Louisville, the Cherokee Triangle Art Fair. At that time, he had the most delicate earrings he designed with tiny polished pastel colored beads. Exquisite. At that time I had purchased a pair and went home and unfortunately left them in the small brown paper bag, wrapped in white tissue paper. Joe tossed them away! I was stricken and remembered his card was in my purse and emailed him. He was gracious enough to help me replace the discarded pair with not one......but 10 pairs of his beautiful creations.

"Are you the Scientist from Oak Ridge?" I asked him. He nodded yes. "Well, I am Mary! I met you at the Cherokee Triangle in Louisville, I emailed you after my husband tossed away the bag!" He remembered, how could he not!

I purchased five sets this time. His creations have developed into more intricate designs with different mediums. Still gorgeous stuff.

And, I got the "best customer in Kentucky' discount!

IN PURSUIT OF THE PERFECT PEACH

One Perfect Day.

August 20, 2005. I awoke and found my decrepit knee was no longer hurting! Well, just a little, but it was amazing. Nothing short of a miracle. That was the beginning of the most perfect day I have had in a long long time. In fact, I can not remember ever having a day like this one ever before.

I decided I needed to go in search of the Perfect Peach. Much to my dismay and disappointment, there are no Peach Orchards in this neck of the woods. I had been rolling around in my mind the thought that I should go home....to visit my Mom and Dad. No better time than now, considering the Peach deprivation.

I headed South early Saturday morning clueless that this was going to be one of the best days of my life!

It was like a child's game, the one that has little holes under a plastic dome and the objective is get all these little metal balls into the holes all at the same time. Life is never life that. So rarely is everything all in place at one time. When it occurs, it is magic. I think the trick may be to realize it is happening when it happens.

I was in search of the perfect peach! I was headed to the only orchard in Kentucky where I knew the perfect peach would exist, if it could. My knee felt great, I had my new favorite CD's blaring, the sun was shining.

While cruising to Ashley MacIsaac I decide to bite the bullet. I call the automatic teller at my bank to check on funds. Much to my astonishment, I was paid for the entire month! (hard to believe, but my ex-company pays the salaried employees once a month, on or about the 20th).

Maybe its a mistake! I don't care. I'm going to spent that money (and move it as fast as I can in case they realize their mistake). Or maybe after seven and one half years they thought, just maybe, I deserved it.

What a great day and it is only 8am!!!

Where have all the peaches gone?


I am headed home to Kentucky in a few minutes because I can not find an operating orchard in this neck of the woods!!!! I got online and found that the closest peach orchard is in Southern Indiana or in Michigan. If I'm going to have to travel.....

The Woodland Art Fair is this week end in Lexington! I think I missed it last year for some reason. Good, I can go spend some money I am not earning any more! I just love collecting photographs. Really good artistic photographs!

Since I have two interviews this coming week I need to purchase a nice summer professional outfit to wow them over with. I spruced up my wardrobe in Old Navy for my last job, which consisted of me doing lots of labor intensive things. Hurray for Womens Lib!! And thank God for Old Navy. But I am seriously lacking in business clothes at the moment. Any excuse to shop. And I can't shop here yet! I need a very expensive outfit (hahahahah) and I have this terrific consignment shop in Lexington that never disappoints.

And, if I am lucky, tonight may be the Mid Summer Nights Run! Not that I can run, but today, as if a miracle occurred last night while I slept....my knee feels healed this morning! I'll walk it if it is on.

And last but not least is the main reason for going...PEACHES! I love juicy ripe organic style peaches one gets at Reeds Orchard in Cynthiana. They also have a special recipe Red Pepper Jelly to die for. I have been thinking about that jelly since I finished off my last jar in December 2004.

Guess who is Guest Editor this week!!!! ME!!! Mary in charge! Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy ride.

It appears my curse for the past several months has been this...if it appears easy, it is not!! I have so many favorite journals that I read, to pick out only a handful was extremely difficult. Yet, I persevered and narrowed it down to several journals that I believe have not been featured as of yet.

In no particular order..............


A Spiritual Journey by Michael. How did I find this journal? I don't know, but I love it. Michael is telling his story in such a fascinating fashion that I am going to use his words to describe it."The journal chronologically documents my life, which has been rather exciting, and at times, pretty dark...and my musical journey...which is ongoing. It includes my gigs with bands like AC/DC, Buddy Guy, Rick Derringer, and many, many others". He is very gifted and I wait with anticipation for each new entry.

One-Way Passage. What can I say about Jon that does not sound like I am gushing on and on! He is a multi faceted individual who is a fabulous writer. Okay, I'm going to gush. He is interesting, smart, witty, funny, good looking and man oh man, can this guy write. His observations and comments range from the events in the Walmart parking lot to his poignant entries about his family.

A Pennies Worth written by Penny, in my opinion, is one of the best journals in AOL- Journal land. She is blond and proud! I stumbled on Penny's journal sometime ago and to date, each one of her entries has been filled with wisdom, humor, compassion and something magical. She is one of bravest woman I have had the honor to read.

Coming to Terms with Middle Age by Lisa. Now this is one smart lady! Her entries can leave you thinking for days. Lisa and I began our journals around the same time and I do not think I have missed a single one of her entries. I can't say enough nice things about her.

Lotus Martinis by Gigi. This journal just has to be experienced. It defies description! Gigi is full of "it". The AOL-Journal IT girl if ever there is one! Another gifted writer!

Hey, I see a pattern forming here!

The above journals have been my Friends for a long time. As our Journal community approaches its second birthday and continues to grow one can not help but remember how it was in the beginning. When the community spirit was born. There are lots of new journals that are worthy of attention and yet it is difficult to find them. Here are two that I recently ran across and find very enjoyable.

Mark's Daily Journal by Mark (gasp!!). A truly sensitive and nice man, Mark is a wonderful artist and shares his talent with us. Lucky us.

CeeGee at Large by Cyndy. Very new and very entertaining! This girl is gif crazy! I'm certain that this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.

And last, a non-AOL journal that I love. Super Hero Journal by Andrea. A truly inspiring journal with a very talented young woman who is a writer, a creative jewelry designer, a wonderful photographer and a terrific person. Her entries are works of art.

Trust me.

Why am I here?

Have nothing of any interest to say. Other than, I have applied for an Advertising Account position at a publishing outfit called Our Sunday Visitor, which is all about selling advertising, holy cards, etc. to the millions and millions of Catholic Church's out there.

I think I would love it. Advertising has been rolling around in my brain ever since I interviewed with that the radio station on May 13....my anniversary, and the closing on the house. I thought I had a good interview, until I could not remember my telephone number. I was very disappointed she did not call me. I really thought I nailed that interview.

No one from CCE has returned my calls regarding my problem with applying to the open CDAM position in Ft. Payne. Maybe it is a sign.

I went to the Catholic church in New Haven and prayed this morning. I think that God knows I turn to him and ask for help in my times of crisis. He always helps me out. I prayed for all the people I know too. So much going on in J-land, death and sickness. I almost feel like I really know these people, even though I have never met them. They have been more supportive to me with this move and the problems I have been having than my real life warm blooded pals in Lex. I have not heard from any of them, with the exception of Mike. Sad but true.

I went walking again this morning. I feel that I need to give my knee a break and not run for awhile. It makes me very sad to think that I may never be able to run again because I allowed myself to become so fat that I hurt myself! Rats. I did take my camera and headed in the golf course direction because people were walking dogs in the opposite direction. The opposite direction is the better direction. I took some very crummy shots of flowers and weeds. I need to read the manual for my Minolta.

Today I really shall plant the flowers and paint the front porch...finish it up. I want to find a pawn shop and see it I can find a Nikon-F.

I would love that.

Its 9am...day is awasting.

LIFE OF LEISURE
I guess I will be spending more time in this blog than Alpha. It is safer to write about my immerging self. The immerging fear of being without a job and the delightful knowledge that I do not have to get up and trudge off to a job.

Today, so far, I have tied up the tomato plants. They have needed it for quite a long time. About two weeks ago I did a slip-shod job of it and the plants are heavy with fruit. I planted them very late in the season, about six weeks after I normally put them into the ground. The tomatoes are just beginning to redden...and yellow, as I have four bushes of those small pear shaped no-acid tomatoes I love to mix up with pasta and olive oil.

I have also signed up for a photography class. Black and White and color! Meaning we do pastel shades to the completed prints. I finally get to have some dark room experience! It begins Sept. 1st.

At the beginning of the summer I wrote to Superstar about my goals and dreams for the summer. Taking a photo class was one of them, so I guess it is now happening! One of the others was planning a trip to Italy. Guess with the lack of my income, that will be on hold for the time being.

I am getting ready to go the Walkway outside of New Haven and try to run/walk. I have been out there several times since resigning last Wednesday. Last night I woke up in the middle of the night with my knee hurting. I guess my running may be a thing of the past. Going to the Doctor may be on the agenda in the next several days.

I finished The Mermaid Chair. Did not enjoy it as much as I did The Secret Lives of Bees, but I enjoyed it nonetheless. I plan to go to the library after walking and checking out the Time Travelers wife.

All this, before eight o'clock.

Well, not the walking, but the rest.

Maybe being unemployed agrees with me. I need the time to decompress and regain my confidence. There is an opening in Ft. Wayne for a CDAM. I will apply later this morning, after my walk, after my checking out a book, after I plant my mums, after I finish to paint the porch......

Freedom's just another word for nothing left to lose.

I resigned from my job. After seven and a half years with the same company, I am now unemployed. I could not take it one minute longer at that Hell Hole of a Sales center. I tried my best, realized my weaknesses, began to read the Seven Habits of Highly Successful People and incorporate them into my work day. I got up earlier, worked harder, stayed later, did everything possible I could to "get it" but missed the mark.

I would come home at night and feel like I had been physically beat up. The constant negative feed back was eating me alive. Sucking the life out of me.

I do not feel anything anymore. No joy, no anticipation, no happiness, no interests, no humor, no exuberance, nothing. Just dread and sadness.

When I felt like I would rather eat Rat Poison than return I knew it was time to call Human resources and explore my options.

Being able to resign effective immediately was an option. The Labor relation guy told me they had gotten along without me before I arrived, they could cover the territory with me gone.

I never felt right in that position. The shoes! I dressed like a man rather that the sexy hot Mama I am. I felt like I had left working the front office and landed in the basement.

I still am in shock. My self confidence is in shambles. I am numb. I am going to take some time to heal from this horrible, dreadful, overwhelmingly awful experience. I think I will burn those shoes in effigy

Top Ten Reasons Why the Irish Festival is Sooooooo much Fun!


#10 The Irish Dog Exhibit

Last year my sister and I traveled to the Dublin Irish Festival in Ohio and had such a great, wonderful, unforgettable experience we returned this weekend for the 2005 festival. My other sister, Kit, came along too. As did numerous other family members like husbands and kids.

Last year Omega fell in love with the Irish Terrier. They are wonderful with children, are rather small, and do not shed! She was thrilled when she realized this was the same dog from last year!He had a haircut and was show ready!

Kit would have purchased one of the Glen-of-imaal-terrier puppies that were at the Dog Exhibit but they were already spoken for. You would not believe the asking price!!! There are only 25 breeders in the United States.

I have to admit, this is one cute puppy. I exhaled a little sigh of relief myself....

NIGHT LIGHT


You can't go home again.

This past Saturday afternoon I drove home to Kentucky. I left Ft. Wayne at 4pm and Sunday afternoon around the same time I was headed back.

Twenty-four hours was all I needed. Twenty-four hours was all it took. I feel so much better. The cloud has lifted, at least for the time being.

As I was nearing the bridge on I-65 that spans the Ohio River, I could see Louisville begin to spread before me. My heart began to swell, my chest became tight and yes I began to cry. I was home.

I wandered up and down Bardstown Rd. in the Highland area trying to capture "night pictures" with my camera while waiting on my daughter. They are a disaster! The manual suggested a tripod! HA! Now that I know it can be done, I just need to know how to do it. The Highland area is so alive with people, entertainment, pubs, book stores, skate shops, restaurants, esoteric shops every where you look. Thriving and colorful, bursting with excitement! I just wish I could have captured its essence with the camera. Next time, when I am more practiced.

After visiting with family for all to brief a time, I was headed home. The route this time was through Cincinnati!

Hello Trader Joe's!!!! I spent a small fortune in there. Do I really need Trader Joe's Toaster Sesame Oil? Or Thai Red Curry? Trader Giotto's Artichoke Antipasto? Yes..yes...YES!!! It is so much fun to shop there.

This is how I do it. Cafe Twists Chocolate Chip $2.49, "That's 3/4 of a pack of cigarettes that I do not smoke any longer" as I toss it into the cart.

James Keller & Son Dundee Orange Marmalade $3.49, "That's a pack of cigarettes I don't smoke anymore." Toss it into the cart with the honey peanut butter (2/3 pack) and the chocolate covered cherries (two packs).

It is said, "You can't go home again." I say, "The hell you can't".

Green Thumb


Sometimes the light's all shining on me,
Other times I can barely see..."


When we were searching for a home in the Ft. Wayne area there were only a few things I wanted. First, a family room with a fire place. Secondly, two full baths. And last but not the least by any stretch of the imagination....lot's and lot's of closets!

What I got was a beautiful landscaped yard with dozens of perennials.

I have managed in the course of two months is to almost ruin the yard with neglect. The only thing I have managed to do is to plant six tomato plants the second week of June. I have just recently seen the first fruits of my labor. Other than that, I cringe if the previous owner (who is a total sweetheart, and I'm certain I will write more about her in the weeks to come)comes calling to pay a visit to her beloved flowers and plants.

I planted the tomatoes very late in the season. By Kentucky standards, they are to be planted after Derby Day, the first Saturday in May. There is little chance of a killer frost after this date. And it stands to reason, I would be very late in planting the annuals!

The tomatoes are growing and need to be staked. Since I neglected to bring the cages with me from KY, I was in a bad way last week end.

Off to the local garden shop I go last Sunday praying they had something I could use. Once I arrive, I realize they are closing for the season. On the fence they have this notice:

WAGONS $15.

I am actually thrilled because the wagons are so great! They have those bright red plank sides! The drill is like this, you grab a wagon and pull it around the nursery and plunk your plants in the bed. Great idea and when I first discovered the place in June I loved it! I was excited to get a wagon for $15!! It was going to look so great filled up with flowers on the front yard.

Guess what? The wagon was not for sale!!!! What was for sale, was every plant, every hanging basket I could cram in that wagon......$15.

I was like a crazy woman. Once of the attending workers pointed at it and stated, "You can get some more in that corner". I'm not certain if she was being sarcastic, but you better believe I crammed some more stuff in.

All in all, I ended up with seven hanging planters and about twenty annuals.

I just got finished with all the planting. My beautiful back yard will be more beautiful in a couple of weeks.

A DEMANDING MISTRESS

Be forewarned, this is going to ramble. I am at a cross roads in my life and I know what I am going to do, I'm not certain it is the right thing, because it seems the easy way out. Doing the right thing usually hurts and requires a lot more integrity, stamina and character than I have right now.

I raised my voice to my boss today. Wrong thing to do. What was I thinking. Do I have a death wish? Did I crack? It was as if I slapped him! I won't go into all the horrid details, but I have had enough. I told him I felt I was in a hostile envioronment. He repeated the same questions over and over I thought I was going to pass out, I finally asked if we needed an arbrator.

I candidly told him ( because I felt bad making him think he was the total cause for my feelings of being an outsider, never to be admitted to the club) that when I interviewed for the job, I realized I did not want it. That it was a total shock to me when it was offered to me. I accepted because of the money.

I'm working at a job I hate because it pays me exceptionaly well. And I have a car. And terrific benefits etc. etc. etc. Yet, I am totally unhappy.

I was going to make a list of the Pro's and Con's as to stay with the job or quit. Quit. I am so ashamned of the word applied to me. As I drove home my biggest thought was, "I hope the Con list is longer." That told me right there that I was going to give my resignation.

This job and me are not a good fit. I loved what I did before, albeit I was bored to tears, I still loved it. I hate this job. H A T E.

The only good thing (besides the money) is Deep Throat. I hate to let him down.

Bridget Christening


The Stories of our Lives

I have just spent another week in the company of Deep Throat AKA the Renegade. When you spend nine plus hours a day with someone you find out quickly if you enjoy the company. The rewards of interesting people are vast and invigorating.

Inside all of us we have that handful of stories that we keep close and dear. How many reveling anecdotes we share depends on the person and the strength of the bond we are developing.

I listened to story after story this past week about D.T.'s childhood, his brothers, High School history, his marriage, his children, his job experiences, the formation of his views, and his philosophies about life, love and work. I was fascinated. And thoroughly entertained all week.

Driving home last evening I realized how much I was going to miss having a companion with me. I was especially going to miss those stories. Even if I did hear one or two of them twice.

The stories I have inside of me I have poured out and into this journal. I find that I am shy about articulating too much about myself, but I am brash with a keyboard!

When did I stop being cool?


The point in being cool is that it is effortless. If you try to be cool, then you're not. It is something you either have or you don't. Being cool is evident in various ways. It is an attitude. Sometimes it is all attitude. You don't care what other people think, you think for yourself. You don't follow trends, you follow what you want. Fashion is only what you want to wear and you wear it with style. It transcends generations. You never revert to using the current slang. A simple raised eyebrow, a gesture, silence. A cigarette held a certain way. You are at ease in a crowd. Yet, you are usually a loner.

The most famous of the cool come to my mind. James Dean. Marlon Brando in his prime. Peter Fonda in Easy Rider. Keith Richards. Joe Perry. Angelina Jolie. Sharon Stone. Katherine Hepburn. Lauren Bacall.

If I ever once felt cool, if ever in my life I thought that just maybe I meet the criteria, it has totally been destroyed by the pair of masculine Rockport I am forced to wear daily! My feet hate those shoes and look up at me asking..."Why?" I hate those shoes and the moment my time is done, in the parking lot before I roar towards home, I pull those ugly monstrosities off and slip on my pink flip flops.

If I were truly cool I would be able to wear them and not care a fig about it.

But alas, I am not.

Out with the old, in with the new

For someone who is so adamant about hanging on to things, I wish I were more committed to holding on to the people I have known in all the various places and stages of my life.

I have been kept so busy and occupied with my new job, that I hit the ground running every morning and fall into bed exhausted in the evenings. I have little spare time to miss things back home. Yet, when I do, I miss it in a big way. In a heartaching, tears pushing to gush out of my eyes way.

Over the years, my friends seem to revolve around those I work with. I suppose this is natural, because I am with them day in and day out. I begin to know everything about them, their wonderfulness, their weaknesses, their trials, their families, their dreams, their disappointments, their faults. I look forward to seeing them, and sharing my life with them as they do with me. I miss them so much, that it is hard to put into words. I guess I love them.

I have moved so often, that I have many enclaves of people I have left behind.

Beginning with my grammar school class, twelve of us beginning in first grade and finishing eight years together. When I went to a Catholic school on Lexington, most of them went to the local public high school. Naturally, our worlds no longer the same, they over lapped a little, but for the most part, we went our different ways.

My High School friends! Once it ended, I attended a college not one single person from my class applied to! Lost again.

College. What an experience I had in Western Kentucky. I have kept in contact with only one person (sometimes two) over the years. Every so often I run into someone, but it is few and far between.

Then my excessive and over the top job experiences! Oh my God! The wonderful, interesting, and lovable people I have encounter, befriended, loved, then lost.

Now I am starting all over again. A whole new set of people. The Turtle, (who incidentally is going to get his tater smoked once he returns from vacation, but that is another story)was my first friend in this new land. But, come to find out he was no friend at all! A wolf in sheeps clothing.

"Deep Throat" my new real friend, is as interesting as they get. I have been spending enormous amounts of time with D.T. since the Turtle is one vacation, and having a blast.

He is more like me, we have to work. It is not our lives! It does not obsess us nor overpower us. We know how the system works. We know how to play the game. And the game is CYA and cover for your buddies.

It is so sad to leave people behind. Finding new friends is the cure for that type of melancholy.+

SUMMER

Headwaters Park, Ft. Wayne Indiana

Summer means water. Pools, lakes, the ocean. And on this bright sunny hot summer day, it was the water fountain the gushed its ten foot plumes of water towards the brilliant blue sky as the group of children, and one dog, danced and ran through the its rainbow of rain and fun.

I took a lot of photo's of the children playing, but I found this one the most engaging.

It's Junk, but it's my Junk

It's very disconcerting that I have searched for a hour for a software program that I know I put in a safe place. It is part of my Operation Summer Projects. I have searched high and low. I am in fear I have transported it to the storage area I had to rent last week. I'll never find it in that dungeon.

I had to rent it. I have way too much stuff. I have a much smaller house to cram in all my precious things. The 300 square feet of "attic" space I had in my Kentucky home is a sweet memory.

I had a yard sale before moving here. I went through all my clothes....twice...and donated bags and bags to the big Christian church that gives it away to the needy. I still have way too many things.

I look at all the clothes that made the cut. I still have my beautiful red velvet sleeveless cocktail legnth dress, with white lace that I wore to the Sophomore Valentine dance. My first date. I remember my mother and I buying that dress from an exclusive dress shop in Lexington called Lowenthal's. I remember the day vividly because as we were crossing the street my mother went to take my hand and I jerked it away as if she had touched me with a blow torch. I'll never forget the look of hurt on her face. So I keep the dress to remind me of how much I love her, owe her, and what a Saint she is.

So, I can't get rid of that dress.

The clothes that I decide to keep all have similiar stories attached to them. It is insignificant that I will never be able to wear again. Maybe someday Bridget can open a museum with all the things I have accumulated. A vintage clothes store.

For the past thirty years I have been hauling around a large green garbage bag full of unframed prints. In the late 1970's I began seeing a guy who worked at a Frame Shop. He got me involved in purchasing prints and over the years I have built up a nice collection. I have several Coleach's, Charles Harper, Ray Harm, Paul Sawyer.

I should say "had". They got tossed by accident. (By you know who...Poo-Poo). I never should have stored them in an unseemly garbage bag! I was stunned and felt like my heart was breaking. I cried for an hour on the way to work.

In time I'll get over it. Two good things occurred from this tradegy. First, I am having all the artwork that survived framed! The survivors are mainly the photographs that I have collected. My Unauthorized Rolling Stone Concert 1981 shots are next.

Secondly, I found out I can survive the loss of things that I thought I could not live without.

Just barely.

A Man's got to know his limitations.

A glory, glory day! I don't have to go into work! Nine days in a row is over load for me. I was ready to snap. I was sarcastic to my boss last night when he asked the question, "I've always wondered what it would be like if I worked in a large sales center?" "You'd spend a lot more time with your wife." I fired back without thinking. Without thinking, mouth and brain not connected. I thought I had conquered that flaw in my personality...apartently not.

He wanted to see me in his office a little later. I quickly ducked into the bathroom and calculated the number of hours I had worked since Monday (54) and was prepared to add in the 10 hour driving time to and from work. Thank God, he over looked my irritability and just stated that I was going to be on my own pretty soon and wanted to make sure I was feeling comfortable.

Some of you may know I work for a major beverage company, THE major beverage company. My world has been rocked joining a sales center that delivers a little over a million cases. The Lexington Sales Center delivers over five and a half. It is like going from the Marriott to the Super 8.

To say I am in shock is an understatement.

To add insult to injury, the man who is training me is one of the ones who did not get the job! In effect, they are making him train his replacement. He has been moody and silent all week. Which makes me talk and jabber all the more. I know why he did not get the job. He is too slow! I call him the Turtle.

I will suffer fools, I will suffer bratty kids, but I can not suffer a Turtle out in the field. I WANT TO BE HOME AT 5:30! Is that asking too much!!! I spent about a week shadowing him and then I was master of the computer to take the orders! I think this is the source of his sorrow. I think he did not realize that I did this, for the Cold Drink side, for over seven years! It is nothing new to me! Ordering huge truckloads of product is new, but the concept is not! I think he thought maybe I would roll over and die when I had to do the ordering. Fact is, I can do it in a fraction of the time it took him!

This might be my first rant entry! Yea!!!! It sure feels good!

In Lexington, when I would leave the plant, I would take off my shoes and stockings and slip on flip flops. Those are my shoes of choice during the summer months.

Now I must wear men shoes! Woe is me!! And I have to wear my cell phone on my belt! Belt!!! I don't own a belt! The first time the phone rang, I could not get it off the stupid plastic holder and it flopped open and I was yelling, "I can't get it off my belt loop."....it was my boss, and Thank God it was on mute! I don't recognize myself in the mirror. My hair is pulled back in a pony tail, because when you are throwing cases and operating a pallet jack, flowing hair does not cut it.

This is my plan. Transfer to a Key Account position in six months!

If I survive.

MY DAD

As my Dad grows older it becomes hard to be away from him on Father's Day. I will be missing the family dinner today as the rest of the family (minus my brother who lives in NYC) gathers in honor of the day.

I wish I had paid closer attention to the stories my Dad told about him growing up in NYC. I wish I had written down all the stories he told about WWII. They are all locked in his mind now, the key lost forever.

What I have are my memories of my Dad. First of all, my Dad's father was from the old country and an immigrant. He was one of the unlucky ones who could not handle it, was an alcoholic and abandoned the family when my Dad was six. It is amazing that he did not have a typical role model to show him how to be a Dad yet he did the best he could and to all his six children, he was the greatest.

I realize that now.

We sat at the table and had dinner together every evening. He would ask questions about school and then have his nighly quiz. "What is the capital of California?". "How do you spell prediditatior?"

When I began High School in another city, my Dad would take me to school in the mornings on his way to work at IBM. He was late for work for four years! I remember dreading those drives in the morning before they happened! What would we talk about for the 25 minute drive. I don't think it ever really was a problem.

Years and years later when I moved to Florida and did not like it and wanted to return home, my parents allowed me to stay with them until I got back on my feet. He was retired by that time and most afternoons we would sit and have lunch together. Those are the best memories for me being with my Dad. He talked and talked about his youth, the war, his mother, his family, his wonderful life.

Sometimes now, my Dad will sit forward in his chair and point a finger at me and announce to all others in the room, "Mary was the best swimmer out of all my kids! She was a champion!"

I love those moments.

I love my Dad, and I miss my Dad. He was the greatest and it is because of him and his unyielding faith in each of his off spring that has inspired each of us to pursue our own dreams and reach them.

Happy Fathers Day to Tom, my Dad.

Windshield Time

I was rambling down US 27 in Northern Indiana, my new main drag. It is a good thing that driving is a pleasure rather than a chore for me. I have my best thoughts, revelations, and conversations with myself while rolling down the lonesome highways.

I happened upon a jazz station out of Dayton. Not the wonderful old school style jazz of discombobulate melodies but the new smoothjazz. Not paying much attention to the music, it was a background score to the passing countryside.

As soon as the melody began, I recognized the song, "When a Man loves a Woman". I was catapolted back in time many years ago to a memory so sweet and and so strong that I realize now it was the most romantic moment in my life.

I was totally crazy and nuts about this guy. I met him.......well, there is a reason I left the story out of the Addicted to Love series. I was just so smitten with him for about eight months. He was much younger than I, by about 10 years. It was hard to see each other because we lived very far apart. Those are the type of relationships that remain fresh and unrealistic. Untouched by the pressures of the every day life. Towards the end, maybe even the last time I saw him, I was sad and depressed with the realization.

LAND OF RAINBOWS

Yesterday was a good day after a stressed out week. The highlight of the day that altered my mood drastically was the computer hook-up. I could have unpacked a thousand more boxes and still been happy.

I have seen not less than three rainbows in the week I have been here! Very unusual for me. I see maybe that many in as many years! I can't get over how incredibly nice the people are here. Gueinely friendly and helpful. It seems they look you in the eye when they talk to you, they smile! I am not certain what I have been use to, but not this. Maybe I am just attune to niceness so far from home.

The new job is a booger and I may have to break my pseudo silence and write about it. I knew it was going to be challenging and difficult and physical. I'm not sure if I like it or not. The good thing is it keeps my mind off of my sorrow of leaving my family and the state I love to photograph.

I am in awe of the Amish everywhere! We share the road with them. I have been waving at them on the main corridors, but they ignore me. Probably think I'm a tourist. The other day I was taking a mandatory detour through the countryside and slowed down when I came to a bridge ahead. Two buggies were crossing. The first with two men. I was so surprised when both smiled at me and waved! The second buggy carried one very young man who gave me the cool "motorcycle wave" while holding the reigns ....and a smile.

Now I know, waving allowed only on less intense by-ways!

Welcome to Indiana!

How to say good bye

The past weeks have been some of the toughest in my life. To leave the work place I had been a member of for over seven years was harder than I imagined. Unlike leaving family, I know I have to keep in touch. It is up to me. As I gathered everyone's emails and home addressed I realized not one of them asked for my new address. Like every other place I have left, it is up to me to keep in touch, to keep it going. If I let go, its gone.

Sad but true.

During a very gloomy week, I had one ray of sunshine. I sashayed into the office on Thursday morning and my boss called to me from his office. "Guess who was in here yesterday?" Immediately I thought of the enraged Arab who threatened to kill me several years ago. Before I could come up with an incriminating answer he filled in the blank for me, "Brian!"

I couldn't have smiled wider. Then I became indignant, "What!! Why didn't he call me?"

Brian had left the clan in 2001. We kept in touch for several months but like a ding bat, I misplaced his cell phone number! Brian was on to bigger and better things in beautiful paradise-like areas only to be seen on very rare occasions. After that...nothing.

Brian is only several years older than my daughter and like a son to me. He was also my partner in crime for a long time until they (powers that be) decided to separate us.

For him to just drop in to the plant several days before I leave for good was a gift from God.

I called him on his cell and he was still in town and just getting ready to leave.

"Why didn't you call me last night!"

"Oh Mary, you know how I am when I start drinking beer!"

He had to go meet another friend at a donut shop and then he would call me.

He did. "I'm at that place." he said.

"Meadowthorpe Cafe?"

"Mary, that's scary"

"Being able to read your mind was always easy." I replied.

I love this kid and it was just wonderful to see him four years older and oh so much more mature. He has, as always, 100 things going on at once. Best of all, he has found a profession he loves and is very very good at.

It is so good to see "your children" find their path in life.